Functionally ReTodded

Gather ’round kiddies.  FRT’s gonna tell you a story.

A long time ago, way back in the last millenium, FRT was a young man in his early 20’s that was about four months away from walking down the aisle and marrying the love of his life.  And so you don’t get confused, it was GBD.

It was a Saturday afternoon.  GBD was somewhere other than home, and FRT was enjoying a nap on the couch.

That nap was interrupted however, when I fell off the couch and heard / felt a tearing sensation in my nether region.

Apparently I had what doctors refer to as a boner during my nap, and when I fell of the couch, I landed on it.  The boner.

That’s right.  The sensation I heard / felt was me slamming my erect penis into the floor under the entirety of my weight.

After I stopped shaking, I had a peek and everything looked normal.  I convinced myself that everything was fine.

Fast forward to Monday morning.  GBD and I are waking up and about to get ready for work.  She’s in the shower and I’m watching television in bed.  I decide to have another peek at the old twig and berries.

Oh.  My.  God.

There was my junk.  BLACK.  That’s right.  From stem to stern, top to bottom, over and under.  BLACK.  And swollen.  Disfigured even.

I fought the urges to both pass out and scream.

The shower stopped.  I covered up and tried to act calm and cool.  The wife got dressed, kissed me goodbye and went to work.

I had to make a plan.

At this point, I hadn’t told my wife.  I hadn’t told anyone.  But I had to consult someone. So I did what any boy would do if he got hurt or was scared, or both.

I called my mommy.

That’s right.  What a great memory.  It went like this.

Her:  Hello?

Me:  Hey.

Her:  What’s wrong.

Me:  I broke my penis.

Her:  Silence.

So after a brief chat and advice to go see a urologist, I showered, got dressed and went to work, prepared to get my insurance info out to make a doctor’s appointment.

Come to find out that I can’t just make an appointment with a urologist.  I have to be referred.  So now I have to show my mortally wounded goober to not just a urologist, but a general practitioner.  Yay.

I went to my GP, described what happened and he said "Okay…let’s have a look."

So I pulled my drawers down.  And before I even got them mid-thigh the GP gasped audibly and said "Okay, let’s get you that referral."

Great.  My grievous cock injury was so grotesque that it made a physician gasp.

As there was now noticeable swelling and discomfort, I went home to change into some less binding clothes before heading to my urologist appointment.  I chose a t-shirt and some of those tacky ass muscle workout pants (that were all the fashion rage back in the day).  You know the ones.  Gaudy print, two inch wide elastic waist, tapered sort of legs, ugh.

I walk into their office, get called back and the doctor has me describe again what happened, and he describes to me what’s about to happen and why.

Doctor:  We need to see if you’ve ruptured the (whatever that thing was called) chamber that fills with blood when you get an erection.

Me:  Um.  Okay.  How do we do that?

Doctor:  So what we’ll do is give you an injection that will give you an erection.

Me:  (deathly afraid of needles).  Where?

Doctor:  Where what?

Me:  Where are you going to give me a shot?

Doctor:  In your penis.

Me:  I beg your pardon?  Did you say you’re going to give me a shot in my penis?

Doctor:  That’s right.  And then we’re going to inject some dye into your penis, wait 30 minutes, take an x-ray and make sure that there’s no structural problem that might require surgery to repair.

Me:  Excuse me.  Let me get this straight.  Did you just say you were going to give me a shot.  In my penis.  That shot will give me an erection.  Then you’re going to give me another shot in my now erect penis, have me wander back out to the waiting area.  WITH AN ERECTION.  For thirty minutes?

Doctor:  That’s right.

Me:  Awesome.

So we head into the exam room where a very attractive (female) nurse asks me to lie down and pull down my pants.

Awesome.

I comply, and she gives me a shot in the penis.

I think I passed out.  I’m not sure.  Either way I pulled up my pants and waited. And what I realized next was that this shot was possibly the coolest thing in the world.

Within minutes I had an erection.  And not just any erection.  I’m pretty sure I could have pounded a spike into a railroad tie.  Seriously.  This thing was bulletproof.  I went from embarrassed that a nurse saw my penis to wanting to run around the lobby showing it to everyone.

She then said "Okay.  Now we’ll inject the dye.  This might sting a bit."

She couldn’t have been more wrong.  Let me say that getting a needle stuck into the side of your rock hard penis is one of the five most painful things that has ever happened to me.  And then I looked down.

And saw blood.  Coming out of the side of my penis.

This time, I KNOW I fainted.

I awoke to the nurse helping me to a chair in the lobby where my boner and I would wait until it was time for the x-ray.  I was doing that thing you did in high school when you’d get a boner in sweat pants.  You pull down your shirt, slouch a little and try to wait for it to go away, only this one wasn’t going anywhere.

Fast forward thru 30 VERY uncomfortable minutes in the lobby, and I get called back for the x-ray.

Ten minutes after they took the x-rays I get called back again.  There’s bad news.

Doctor:  There’s a problem.

Me:  Oh Jesus no.  You’re going to have to operate on my penis.  Or cut it off!  Oh My God! I’m getting married in three months!

Doctor:  Oh no.  I don’t have any results yet.  But apparently the dye was absorbed back into your bladder so the scan of your penis didn’t work.  We need to do it again.

Me:  I’m sorry.  Did you say that somehow, after giving me not one but two injections into my god damned penis that you or someone here fucked up and waited too long to do the x-rays, and now you have to give me ANOTHER shot in the dick?

Doctor:  That’s correct.

Me:  (Silently does the walk of shame back to the room where nurse Heidi would punish my pee pee again).

Another excruciating injection into my now extra rock hard and quite frankly painful penis and it was back to the lobby, but this time, no attempt to conceal my boner was made.  I was tired of this now.  The novelty had worn off.  I was angry and in pain:  from the injections, the boner and the original injury.

Back into x-ray and the long wait to find out what permanent damage was done, if any, and what the treatment would be.

Doctor:  The good news is that there’s no permanent damage or anything that requires surgery to repair.  Everything is and will be fine.  The swelling and bruising will go away after a few days.

Me:  So I’ll be okay?  I get to keep my penis?

Doctor:  Yes.  Everything will be fine.  You’ll want to forgo any masturbating or sexual activity for a few weeks until everything is back to normal.  And for what it’s worth, this isn’t a terribly uncommon injury.  I see it fairly frequently as the result of vigorous intercourse.

Me:  No way.

Doctor:  Oh yes indeed.

Me:  So you’re telling me that you see guys that are jackhammering the old lady so hard that they break their dick?  Really?  And you glibly refer to that as "vigorous sex?" That doesn’t sound like the kind of sex I would enjoy having.  That sounds like a sex crime.  Or maybe that you should be charged with vagina abuse.

Doctor:  I didn’t say vaginal exclusively.  It happens during anal sex too.

Me:  (now in shocked silence.  On a regular day, this would have made my penis go limp and retract into my body like a turtle’s head returns to his shell).

Doctor.  Nevertheless, you’re free to go.  And one last thing.

Me:  Yes?

Doctor:  If  that erection lasts more than four hours, you need to go to the hospital.

Me:  What?  Did you say this could last four hours?  Or more?  And that if it does that I need to go to the emergency room?  And tell them what exactly?  "Excuse me ma’am / doctor / nurse / orderly, but I have had this boner for five hours and need to see a doctor?"

Doctor:  Just go to the hospital if it lasts longer than that.

So I do the boner-perp walk thru the lobby again, but now I’m kind of happy.  Like I’m on cloud five or something.  I’m going to be okay.  Everything will return to normal.  No permanent harm or disfigurement was done.  Everything’s gonna be fine.  And even though my wedding tackle was bruised, black and a bit swollen, I was now very anxious to show it to GBD.

That happiness was short-lived.

By the time I got home I was in agony.  By the time SHE got home I couldn’t stand up straight.  It was like some alien was trying to escape my body by way of my penis and that in doing so, was stretching every inch of my skin to the nth degree.

Thankfully, at about the three hour and fifty minute mark, my world class boner subsided and I was able to return to my normal masturbation routine after a couple of weeks.

Whew.

Oh, and with the exception of now being able to pee around corners at a 90 degree angle, everything is just the same as it was before that horrible day.

Happy napping everyone.

FRT