Sports archive at Functionally ReTodded

Archive for the 'Sports' Category

May

$159 dollars for WHAT?

Categories: 1Doh, 2Doh, Functionally ReTodded, GBD, NASCAR, Sports and Uncategorized

First, I’d like to say that if this isn’t the greatest post in the history of the worldwide interweb, I blame…well, anyone but me.

You see, I wrote a freaking awesome blog entry after spending weeks mired in a funk of non-blogging. But this one broke the ice. I spent the entire day waiting to read / hear some commentary about my posting awesomeness.

Instead, I got silence. Is it possible that I’m not as hilarious and brilliant as I thought I was? Of course THAT can’t be the problem. I will now attempt to reproduce my brilliance. ********************************************************************

This weekend is Mother’s Day. It is also one of my favorite times of the year.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself, "FRT, why would that be? You like sports and beer and eating, and none of those things have anything to do with Mother’s Day," and you would be right.

Is it because I get the chance to honor the woman I’ve loved for all of my adult life and that I’ve been married to for sixteen years as of today?

Is it because I get the chance to thank that woman for being the greatest mother to our children that I could have ever hoped for and more?

Is it because I get a chance to honor the many mothers (mine and other people’s) that played key roles in me becoming the person I am today?

Nah. It’s none of those things.

My favorite part of the Mother’s Day season is the jewelry commercials on the radio. Here are a couple of examples:

"Show your mom you care with a pearl necklace."

"Nothing says ‘I love you mom’ quite like a pearl necklace."

"Have your kids give their mom a pearl necklace to show how much they love her."

I shit you not people. I nearly have to pull over to avoid wrecking by the Thursday prior to Mother’s Day.

On a slightly tangential topic, I have a question. Besides guys named Rod Rammer, Buck Naked or Miles Long, who has the nerve to pull off that move? Seriously. Imagine the conversation. "Hey honey, I’ve enjoyed making love to you tonight. How about we tie a nice little bow around the event by me ejaculating all over you and hopefully not hitting you in the face with it?"

Seriously? Who says yes to that.

Now, I’ve had participated in some similar experiences that weren’t quite that bad. I’ve given:

pearl thigh (I was young and very excited)

pearl shower curtain pearl

hotel drapes

pearl striped tube sock

pearl handful of tissues

pearl jesus I think that hit the dresser

pearl car seat

pearl sofa

pearl someone else’s sofa

pearl subway bench

pearl Blimpie’s bench

Well, I think you get the point. Anyway, happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there. Here’s hoping you don’t get any in your eyes or in your hair.

Jan

Happy day after the day after Auburn Football ended

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments

Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded and Sports

In what turned into a pretty exciting game, Auburn beat the other orange-clad tractor college on a lake from up I85 a bit. The game went into overtime and left me with feelings of hope for the upcoming season.

For the first time in three years, I’m fairly sure the guy playing quarterback won’t be slower Kevin Federline taking the MENSA exam. The crop of running backs is solid and showed some real attitude in the game.

Also, the defense is young and solid, with an offensive line that should improve a lot over the next two years.

Oh, and we’ve beaten alabama (lower case) six times in a row which is about the best thing that can happen in that state to left of us.

Oct

Check? Shit yeah, I’ll write you a check. I thought you wanted real money!!

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment

Categories: Blog and Sports

One of my favorite comedy routines by someone I can’t remember included this line about a bill collector coming to the person’s door seeking payment.

I thought of that yesterday for some reason, and it reminded me of one of the fond memories I have from college that didn’t involve groping strange chicks or beer.

This was the late 80’s, and was essentially before the time when the ATM was your everything. Auburn was a check town, meaning you could write a check for anything. Don’t believe me? Here are some of the many things I actually wrote checks for at college:

McDonald’s (even at the drive thru)
Baskin Robbins for a single scoop ofice cream.
Guthrie’s (remind me to tell you about my forty seven dollar lunch)
Class / test supplies in the book store, including my favorite check ever. I needed a scan sheet for a test. I wrote a check for seven cents. Oh, and that left me with three cents in my checking account.

My roommate and I (who were both so broke we couldn’t afford to pay attention), would frequently talk one another into skipping class instead of cleaning our place or studying in favor of a round of golf at the local course over in Opelika. (If you’re ever there, it’s called Indian Pines and it still rules).

Mind you, this was and still is, for the money, one of the best tracks around. At the time, it was six bucks to walk nine holes or eight bucks to walk eighteen. (I think it was twelve bucks to drive nine and sixteen to drive eighteen).

Well, Chris and I never had any money, but we always had checks.

With a straight face, we’d both walk up to the counter and look at the pro and wait for him to ask “So fellas, how many’s it gonna be today?”

We’d both say “18 please.”

Then he’d follow with “You walking, or would you like the cart?”

Straight faced again, we’d say in unison “We’ll take the cart.”

Then we’d both knowingly write a bad check and head out to the first tee whistling a happy tune. We talked about it often, but we both figured “Hey, if I’m gonna get busted for writing bad checks, I’m not gonna get busted while walkin’.”

Oct

A shotgun blast

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment

Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded, NASCAR, Rant and Sports

(Avitable, you can just scroll on down until you get to the row of asterisks. This part isn’t for you).

Before we get started, I am going to say this one time and we’ll be done with it forever.

HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU LET A GUY GET PAST THE GOAL LINE ON A PASS ROUTE WITH ONE SECOND TO GO?!?!?!

Seriously. Why doesn’t a coach say “Just pull the fucker down. We are NOT getting beat like that. It’s not like they’re gonna put time back on the clock.”

And for the record, I was blissfully asleep and unaware when LSU scored with one second to go to beat Auburn. Otherwise, I’d still be vomiting.

Since they came back from down three games to none in 2004, it is almost anticlimactic that the Boston Red Sox stood up and overcame a 3-1 deficit to beat the Cleveland Indians.

Now Boston, whose bats have come alive, get to face three guys who haven’t been in the bigs for a month, and they get to do it in a park where Ozzie Smith would have hit forty home runs? YAY!

I’ve been meaning to ask for some time now, and one way or another I want an answer. Is it “pit road” or “pit row?” I am finding that the terms seem to be treated as interchangeable, and I don’t think they are. I am thinking that the pit stalls themselves are “pit row,” while the paved area the drivers leave the track for to get to their pit stall is pit road. Either way, I’m needing an answer.

****************************************************************************************************

Today was a good day at my Google home page. I have the Joke 0′ the Day add-in, and today’s entry was one of my two favorite jokes in the entire world. Here it is:

“Bartender, gimme ‘nother drink, says a very drunk man.

Sorry sir,” replies the bartender. “I have to cut you off.”

“Just gimme another drink.”

“O.K. I”ll make a deal with you. I”ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you”re done or not you have to go.”

“Thass a good deal,” the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. “Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife’s gonna kill me.”

“Relax,” the bartender says, “give me a five-dollar bill.” The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy’’s shirt pocket. “When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned.”

Thass a great idea!”

Then the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?”

He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, “Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned.”

The drunk’s wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, “THERE’S TEN BUCKS HERE!”
“Oh yeah, he shit in my pants, too.”

zing!!!

Oct

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment

Categories: Blog, Rant and Sports

So today, a white guy in my office just told me that Michael Vick was the victim of a conspiracy.

Now, it doesn’t really matter that he’s white. He’s from Surrey County Virginia and apparently was tangentially associated with Vick, Allen Iverson (AI to him) and Marcus Vick as well.

The reason I mention it is that we were having a grown up discussion, and then he drops the “If Michael wasn’t a rich black athlete, they’d never have served that warrant.”

I turned around and looked behind him to see if Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson had one of their hands up his ass pulling the string to make his mouth move.

Then he went on to say, “If I won 100 Million dollars in the lottery and gave some to my cousin, and that cousin went out and bought drugs with that money, should they be able to prosecute me?”

He also said that there were “no credible witnesses that could tie Vick to the dogfighting operation.” I am assuming he meant besides the people that sold him the house, the myriad people that admitted to being there with him, betting with him, seeing him there for years and often, and ultimately going to jail for said things.

Now, after I avoided choking on my tongue and remembering I was at work, I said “Ray Buchanan (former pro-bowl cornerback and Falcon teammate) said Vick had been into dogfighting for years and that he (Ray) had known about it for at least six years.”

My co-worker’s reply?

“Ray’s not credible. He got busted trying to pick up a hooker the night before the SuperBowl.”

“Um…no. Not at all. That was actually Eugene Robinson, whom the Falcons got that year. And he was a safety.”

His rebuttal? “Yeah, well earlier this year Ray got busted writing bad checks.”

Sigh.

Then I mentioned that Vick plead out, which means you plead to the least amount of bad stuff you think they’ll accept. No one pleads to MORE than what they are guilty of. Although I wouldn’t put it past MENSA-applicant Michael “don’t call me Ron Mexico” Vick.

I saw plenty of completely ignorant people of color as well as ignorant white people on television during the Mike Vick story, and there was plenty of dumbassery to go around. There’s always some knucklehead or group of knuckleheads (aka the NAACP) that will scream conspiracy or use the SODDI defense. That’s the “some other dude did it” defense.

I imagine that my co-worker also feels that another semi-famous, certainly wealthy black man from around that area was prosecuted unfairly.

You might remember that grainy FBI surveillance tape where many time loser and race pimp Marion Berry was in a hotel room with a hooker that was not his wife and is actually on tape smoking cocaine, and the best defense he could muster was “THE BITCH SET ME UP!!”

Mike wasn’t investigated, indicted, prosecuted and convicted because he was a successful and rich black athlete. He was prosecuted and convicted for the same reasons that many other folks far less rich, famous and black than him are:

He was stupid.

He believed he was above the law.

He believed he was invincible.

Oh, and he was incredibly, amazingly, astonishingly stupid.

Ultimately, being stupid gets far more people convicted than being famous, rich or black does. Want proof? Go find out how many MENSA members are in our nation’s penitentiaries.

My guess? It ain’t many.