Functionally ReTodded

Not for me mind you. But for the creators and producers of my favorite show:

Intervention.

I’ve talked about it before many times. I’ve written about it many times. And although they tried to screw with me this season by making some of the stories sad and thus trying to make me care or prevent me from laughing, they eventually came back to what made this show great.

Last night saw the perfect storm occur in the world of morons, enablers, addicts, and anyone else on the periphery as well. This was, as God as my witness, the greatest hour of reality television ever. I’m talking on the sports level of Maris’ 61 home runs, DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak, Tiger at the US open in 2000, Jordan against Utah in the finals, the Red Sox winning the series in 2004, Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt winning seven titles each, Michael Schumacher in Formula 1, and more.

Really. It was that big.

And it all started with a hard working man from Argentina (let’s say his name is Senor Dumbfuckenablertard), and a woman from Chile who we’ll call Senorita Denialtard.

Anywho, these folks immigrated to the United States for a better life, both for them and their kids. They had three boys. Their names are:

Studious overweight daddy doesn’t love me
Sebastian
Marcel

Marcel, SODDLE and Sebastian

Now, Studious overweight daddy doesn’t love me comes along and isn’t athletic really. He excels in school. Then his brothers are born and by age four they are known community wide as superstar soccer players.

Senor Dumbfuckenablertard states that growing up, his father wouldn’t let him play sports unless he’d finished his homework and brought home good grades. This upset Senor Dumbfuckenablertard as a child, and way back then he decided that he’d let his children play sports and back burner the whole education thing. "I didn’t push my sons to become doctors. I wanted them to be happy."

Super.

In her introduction, Senorita Denialtard never mentions the oldest child. She mentions how the doctor that delivered Sebastian said he was going to do great with the ladies because of his beautiful eyes. Marcel was beautiful too according to both parents.

One second here before I get too far into this story. Let me say that superficial appearancy stuff with kids doesn’t bother me. Want an earring in high school? Fine. Want to have a dumb haircut. Go crazy. It’s not permanent and isn’t a battle worth fighting in my opinion.

I do however get judgy about entitlement "kids" in their 20’s still with shaggy ass haircuts that wear stupid shit like those toboggan hats with the puffy ball on top and the two strings hanging down on each side. Especially when it’s fucking summer. Same goes for skull caps, crooked baseball caps, and really any other dumpster styled headwear. Here are a few pics to make my point:

Now back to our story.

I’m not going to recount every moment of the episode. You can watch it yourself here . I’m just going to rattle off some observations.

The show actually starts showing these two complete douchenozzle early 20’s shit heads smoking heroin. One’s in the bathroom and the other is in a bedroom immediately adjacent to said bathroom. Both rooms look like shit. Both young men are hacking and coughing. It’s 2pm or some such ridiculous time. You don’t find out at first, but this isn’t some flophouse or shitty North Hollywood apartment. It’s their parents’ very well appointed house. These two smoke heroin up to 10 times a day IN THEIR PARENTS’ HOUSE, and no one does anything.

I also noticed during this entire show that, although the work ethic of the parents was covered several times, not one person ever mentioned where either of these wastes of ejaculatory calories had ever worked a day in their lives. Not one. Just thought that was worth mentioning.

These two dipshits have been addicted to heroin for over two years. They smoke $600 bucks worth a day. Obviously they are dealing to make that money. Mom’s answer when faced with that is "I’ve never SEEN them deal drugs, so how do I know they are?" Smash cut to mom standing at the window watching her sun leaning in the passenger window of a strange car and then trotting back up to the house.

Mom: Who was that?

dipshit #2: A friend. I loaned him some money and he was paying me back.

Mom: What’s his name?

dipshit #2: It was a friend, alright? Sheesh (insert heroin-y eyerolling, gesturing like petulent child, then walking into the bedroom and pushing the door shut behind him in the mother’s face).

You also see dad handing Sebastian (dipshit #1) the keys to his car. Smash cut to Sebastian and Marcel returning home with a ball of black tar heroin the size of a fucking golf ball.

Smash cut again to Studious overweight daddy doesn’t love me sone saying "do you understand that they are dealing large amounts of heroin out of your house?" and Senor Dumbfuckenablertard saying "you don’t know that" and "I think you should leave if you are going to talk to me like that in my house." I assume the boy left to eat or get more of Jon Bon Jovi’s hair glued to his chin.

One funny thing is that, in the promos, the boys are referred to as local soccer celebrities, but I don’t see a picture of them in any soccer shit past about age nine. I’m guess that means that Sebastian and Marcel hit their productive apex at this point, somewhere around the end of the U-10 season when they had the banquet at the local Chuck E. Cheese.

Sebastian drank for the first time at 11 and lost his virginity at 12. Pictures of him then show him clearly intoxicated. The family glosses over it all saying "Sebastian loved to have fun and was very popular and always had good looking girlfriends. Marcel loved to hang out with him." Perfect.

Nice hair. Don’t overlook this parents.

There’s the storyline where Sebastian was in seventh grade (age 12) and asked to leave school (translation: expelled) for possession of marijuana. Senor Dumbfuckenablertard explains it thusly:

"Sebastian was standing outside the bathroom and a girl ran up to him, handed him something and said ‘hide this for me,’ which he did. He’s a good guy." Mom added "Sebastian told us it wasn’t his marijuana, and at that point, we believe him."

Awesome.

JR (the unloved fat older brother) told the parents it was Sebastian’s pot. Dad’s response?

"I didn’t believe him. I thought he was talking trash about his brother."

Awesome again. I’m surprised this older brother didn’t change his last name to Menendez and buy some ice cream and a double barreled shotgun.

There are further tales of Sebastian not getting his way and throwing fits, terrorizing the house, etc., and Marcel being "sucked into the vortex of Sebastian." Mom referred to it as "The Uprising." Translation: Everyone’s too busy to parent this little fuck.

At 14 Sebastian tried meth for the first time, although I’m sure if you asked him or his dad, they’d say that it wasn’t his meth and that he just fell on a lit pipe that happened to have a rock stuck in it. You know, because he’s so popular and such a good kid.

Dad then said he noticed "things starting to disappear from the house." I assume that means Sebastian was stealing and pawning stuff for drug money, but dad probably thinks that that scary doll Chucky or the Great Gazoo or some shit was hiding it all.

So at 15, Sebastian went to rehab in Chile for six months.

And since everyone was so exhausted from not doing shit to parent Sebastian that they pretty much ignored Marcel who, while Sebas was in rehab, tried coke, xanax, extacy and oxycontin.

That’s right. at 13 and a half, Marcel spread his wings with more drugs than Keith Richards would do at one time all mixed together.

As is the case in most walks of life, few people strive to be with their betters. Most folks will sink to be with their lessers. That’s the case with everyone here. And here’s where Sebastian returns from rehab.

So now the two boys live free at home while moving a grand or more of heroin a day, at times with mom watching from the window, and still, there’s not even a hint of the parents wanting to do shit about it.

Meanwhile, the unloved bookish older son who lives somewhere else on his own (a novel idea) is repeatedly shunned and, at one point, told to leave the house if he’s going to continue to speak poorly of his brothers.

And all the while said brothers are in a heroin-induced fog so deep that they literally can’t keep their eyes open or speak.

So mom finally begins to see what’s going on. She must be a detective or have recently completed CSI-No shit Dick Tracy training, because she tells dad she can’t take it anymore and that she wants to put them out of the house.

I’m paraphrasing here, but dad’s rational for not kicking them out is "if they were sick or had a disease, you would kick them out into the street?"

My reply to that was no I would not. But if my son had cancer, I wouldn’t lend him my car so he could steal shit from me to pawn downtown so he could buy more cancer either.

At this point in the show I’m literally laughing my ass off. The wife too. It was so bad that I finally had to call LAB aka Midlife Mediocrity to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating the awesomeness of this episode. She assured me that I wasn’t, but we couldn’t stay on the phone because we were 30 minutes behind her in the viewing, and she was just tipsy enough that I was worried she’d spoil the ending for me.

So as the parents head for the pre-intervention, someone breaks into their house to find Dumb and Dumber’s stash, which they did. That led to Sebastian’s declaration that these offenders were in trouble since they left their blood on the floor in his house.

I guess while he was dropping out of seventh grade and doing rehab in South America, Sebastian secretly took some DNA training from the OJ trial’s own DNA expert, Dr. HenryLee.

Note: Everyone on this show calls each other "Bro," which drives me nuts. It’s like a combination of a 1970’s black comedy and Baywatch.

Oh, and one of the first things I noticed when Sebastian entered the Intervention room was his WWJD bracelet. I assume that stands for "What Would (a) Judge Do" in case he and the other idiot got caught.

So Marcel agrees to go to rehab and Sebastian ultimately relents as well. They both went to different places and the family agreed to go to the Betty Ford Clinic which I’m guessing is to see if they have a cure for Denialandenablerosis.

Sebastian is going to some medical detox in Florida after which he will enter rehab at Ambrosia at the Palm Beaches in Singer Island Florida. Here’s a pic from his intake:

Ambrosia at the Palm Beaches? What the fuck is that? I’m pretty sure I could do coke off a stripper’s ass at a place like that. Shouldn’t it be called something like "You’ve fucked up for the last time" or something? This always confuses me.

Marcel is going to the Ark of Littlewood Cottonwood in Sandy, Utah. I assume this place is where Bre’r Bear and Bre’r Rabbit vacation when their not telling racist children’s stories. Here’s his admit pic:

Oh, and Marcel continues his douchey apparel streak when to the ensemble of cargo shorts and the fucking hat, he adds the sleep pillow / neck ring thing for the plane. Only he never takes it off up to and including his admission to detox. It’s like he thinks it’s a huge pooka shell necklace or something.

But my favorite part of Intervention is the last few screenshots which I won’t spoil by commenting. Only know that the episode aired on Monday, August 10th, 2009.

So when it was all said and done, both of them left treatment, one officially relapsed, and they both moved home.

I guess mom’s threats to leave, move back to Chile, call the police, have them search the house, get restraining orders, and evict the kids might not have had the umph of follow thru that one might expect from parents who’ve shown consistency at making rules, enforcing them and demonstrating ramifications for one’s actions.

I look forward to more entertainment and inspration in the very near future.

Oh, and as a special gift to those that saw this episode, I give you this:

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Edit to add:

These screen caps of the end credits looked different and I recalled drastically
different information than I got from the A&E website.  I went back to the recording of Marcel and Sebastian’s Intervention and proved myself right.  I don’t have screen caps, but HERE is what the closing shots actually said:

"Sebastian and Marcel both dropped out of treatment early and relapsed with Xanax and Heroin."

"Sebastian and Marcel’s family attended the Betty Ford Center’s Family Program."

"Sebastian returned to treatment at A Sober Way Home in Prescott, Arizona and has been sober since August 2nd, 2009."

"Marcel lives at home and continues to use Xanax."

One of the main reasons I’m adding this part is that this episode contains one of my favorite elements of the show.  It’s very rare, but it makes me laugh every time.  Every. Single. Time.

This episode aired on August 17, 2009.  Sebastian "has been sober since August 2nd, 2009."

Really?  Fifteen whole days?  Why not make it more pathetic and say "Sebbastian has been sober since a week ago Tuesday."  And for all we know, you canned this thing and don’t know that last Friday afternoon, Sebastian left rehab again and is shooting Meth and Red Bull into his eyelids.

Sweet Lord how I love Intervention.