Archive for the 'Pop Culture' Category

18
Jun

My new cause in life

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments
Categories: Blog, Food, Functionally ReTodded, Pop Culture, Rant and Uncategorized

Unless you live under a rock or under Avitable, you know who Jessica Simpson is. She is the big-tittied daughter of a minister turned overbearing pimp of his children who was married to Nick Lachey and on that MTV show "Newlyweds" that showed us all how dumb naive she was about money and cars and life and sex and laundry and cooking and everything else.

She has also dated/not dated/dated/not dated Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo since the tragic end of her marriage to Mr. Lachey.

She’s a talented singer. You only have to watch this clip to know how talented she truly is.

Now, sarcasm aside, I actually like her and think a lot of her dizziness is an act. But she has taken five years of shit and smiled through it all. She’s spent her life lorded over by her pedophile of a dad who can apparently only talk about two things in interviews:

Jessica’s boobs are real and made her uncomfortable.

Jessica’s commitment to her virginity until marriage (this was obviously before the newlyweds show).

We agree on both counts, just so you know. Her boobs make me very uncomfortable, specifically when I hurt my penis while masturbating to them using cheap conditioner, shaving cream or just a handful of Newman’s Own dressing.

I was also committed to her virginity despite the fact that I knew Mr. Lachey planned to do permanent harm to her mysterious lady parts.

Enough about me. Today I’m stumbling thru my usual news reads: Wall Street Journal, Barron’s, The New York Times, AVN weekly, and WWTDD, and I found this horrid story on Fox News.

Here’s a photo because no Jessica Simpson story is complete without one:

meaty goodness

Now PETA has their collective gay pot smoking hippie hemp panties in a knot and made Jessica public enemy number one, along with adding a list of the top five reasons why only stupid girls would brag about eating meat. Here’s PETA’s list (followed by my witty rebuttals):

1. Meat increases the risk of breast cancer. A 2007 study of 35,000 women published in the British Journal of Cancer found that women who ate meat were far more likely to develop breast cancer than women who consumed none. Will Jessica’s next t-shirt will say, "Real Girls Smoke 3 Packs a Day"?

I hope she does because T-shirts are funny, don’t hurt anyone, and who in their right mind is sitting around waiting to make dietary decisions based on what this girl has scrawled across her fun bags?

2. Real girls don’t support animal abuse. Compassion is super sexy , if the huge number of hot celebs ditching meat is any indication. Young women turn vegetarian in droves when they learn that the meat industry cuts the sensitive beaks off newborn chicks and cuts off the tails of baby piglets.

Hey you dumbass PETAs (who I am about to start calling PITA). You’re rotting from the inside out because you eat no protein. Unless you’re a vegan. But if you’re vegetarian, then you don’t mind fucking over fish and plants. You don’t think tomatoes have feelings? Or Chilean Sea Bass? And for every devout PETA person who lives like this, there are five carrying signs while wearing a leather belt or some $600 shoes made out of kitten scrotums.

3. The meat industry is destroying the Earth. The only thing that’s hot about the meat industry is that it’s toasting the planet . According to the United Nations, raising animals for food causes more greenhouse-gas emissions than all the cars, trucks, SUVs, planes, and ships in the world combined.

Absolutely and completely bullshit. There is no way on God’s not as green as it used to be earth that that’s true. If it is, I would contend that human farting is a thousand times bigger problem than animal farting. Why, my father alone is probably making Al Gore cry himself to sleep daily. Oh, and the next thing the UN says that’s true will be the first thing. Stupid dictators.

4. Meat will make you fat. All the saturated fat and cholesterol in chicken wings, pork chops, and steak eventually leads to flabby thighs and love handles . I hope the upcoming "Jessica Simpson’s Intimates" line comes in plus sizes! Going vegetarian is the best way to get slim and stay that way.

Fuck you again. If you ate 5,000 calories a day of asparagus and didn’t exercise, you’d get fat. That’s the trouble with trendy bandwagon clubs like PETA. They don’t like to let facts or, God forbid, MATH, get in the way of a good quote.

5. Eating meat steals food from starving kids. Jessica’s trip to help kids in Africa got a lot of media buzz, but by gnawing on meat, she’s essentially stealing food from the mouths of starving children since it takes up to 16 pounds of grain to produce just 1 pound of meat. If more people went vegetarian, we’d free up enough grain to feed every person in the world.

I’m pretty sure that the sabre-rattling dictators that run their countries steal way more food from starving kids than Jessica Simpson. Look at her for God’s sake. Do you think she walks into the Golden Corral and says to the guy behind the counter, "Hey Cutie. I’ll take the Old 96er please. And make sure I get plenty of grissle?" Of course not. Like any hot skinny chick with big tits, she probably does some blow before dinner, loses her appetite and then just takes a bite of the lobster before she purges and ends the night by giving the star quarterback a hand shandy under the table.

So my message to you, PETA, is to get off your high horse, stop lying, and do us all a favor and fuck yourselves mute.

07
Apr

my own little 3 hour tour

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment
Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded, News, Pop Culture, Poppy and Rant

Yesterday I took the girls to spend the week with their Nanna. At pretty much the last second, my dad called and said "Hey, you want some company?"

"Sure dood. Come on over."

On the way the kids watched Dora (with headphones on) so pops and I could talk.

I enjoy talking with him a lot because he doesn’t get heated or let hot-button issues pull him into fights. He is a mechanical engineer by education and a commodities broker / compliance guy by trade.

Since I’m functionally retarded and the political and stock market knowledge equivalent of an 8 year old, I like to pick his brain about stuff in the news.

Yesterday’s topics included:

Hillary and Barack’s claims that they will "take" the "record profits" of big oil.

Why gas prices are high.

Being an ACTUAL compassionate conservative (he really is), what factor(s) do you use to decide how you’re vote?

Me being the opposite of mein papa when it comes to media snippets and hot button issues and talking points, I was curious what he’d come up with for me.

As for the Democratic candidates saying they’d "TAKE" big oil’s excessive profits, his answer was "don’t worry about it."

I countered with "How could they anyway?"

He replied, "Well, if they wanted to make a contest out of it, congress could repeal the 28 or so percent tax break Big Oil gets for getting the stuff out of the ground. It’s a different way of taking but it’s taking nonetheless.

"But," he said "beyond that, it’ll never happen. There is zero chance of anything like that getting thru Congress. Ever. So even though you may find it deplorable or disgusting, you shouldn’t think about it twice. That stuff simply can’t get done. Congress is a big and expensive machine that moves INCREDIBLY slowly and carefully."

Additionally (I made this point and he agreed), I think one of the Big Oil guys should have stood up and pointed at the panel and said "Do ANY of you know the difference between profits and profit MARGIN?"

Exxon’s profits have grown immensely in the last 30 years. Their profit margin hasn’t wavered a tenth of a percent in those 30 years. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS USING MORE GAS!!!

If folks really want gas prices to go down, walk or ride a fucking bike. Bitching while you’re driving does nothing. It’s simple economics. If you sell more widgets than you used to, you’re going to have bigger profits. Your margin can stay the same, but yelling at the provider for our consumption is retarded.

I brought up the issue of every state having different EPA regulations for gas and no new refineries built in 30 years as reasons for high gas costs.

Among his replies were these:

While no NEW refineries have been built, the existing refineries have been modified and reworked to increase productivity, so it’s not as bad as everyone thinks.

A bigger issue is that people think oil is oil and gas is gas. Neither of those things are true.

There are different oils, but the biggest two are the sour black nasty stuff and what’s called light sweet crude (the stuff traded on the commodities markets).

A plant built for refining light sweet crude can’t handle or process the other stuff, and vice versa. Also there is the issue of what a barrel of oil produces. There are a variety of products that come from a barrel of oil: crap for making roads, diesel, aviation fuel, motor oil type stuff, gas, and other junk.

If you are heavy into needing diesel but not road crap, you have an exce have to store it or not make it, and not making it results in higher prices for diesel like we’re seeing now.

As for how he decided upon which candidate to cast his vote, his answer was simpler than I expected and a little shocking:

"I vote for someone from the party that ISN’T running congress. Besides, there’s less difference between conservatives and liberals than ever before. Step a smidge outside of everyone’s comfort zone and you become unelectable. So every candidate drops a couple of never can pass ideas and a couple of ideological ones that are palatable, and the rest is basically the same."

That made me think too, so I asked "Then would it be smart to try to vote and take the possibility of putting supreme court nominees into consideration?"

He liked that, but repeated that candidates can’t get confirmed if they’re "too" anything (besides ugly like that Ruth Bader Ginsberg, whom he said reminded him of that lady on Laugh-in. I told him it was Ruth Buzzie and he laughed because they had the same name).

We also discussed the Bear Stearns "non-bailout." What irked him was the invoking of the Federal loan program on the Monday AFTER the Bear imploded. If that had been done five days prior, not only would Bear Stearns still be in business, but much like JP Morgan, the note for the 30 billion probably would never have been called. I could see that didn’t make him very happy either.

So a three plus hour drive with Dora blaring that could have been miserable turned out to be educational, entertaining and it went by in a snap.

Thanks poppy.

18
Mar

Seriously? You’re not kidding?

By Functionally ReTodded 2 Comments
Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded, Pop Culture and Rant

I awoke this morning to the joyful sounds of my youngest child saying “BAH-BAH-BAH,” rocking to and fro and kicking me in the face and ribs. It was quite nice. Also, I had come to the conclusion that since the state of New York had seen their Lieutenant Governor take the oath, my having to hear more about the Jer-ho (that’s slang for Jersey Whore) and fillandering politicians was about to end.

Au contraire mon frere.

It seems that while the new governor of New York wanted to be three special things (Black, Blind and monogomous), it turns out he was only two thirds special.

I will grant him that being governor and getting to that lofty political seat while being sight impaired is impressive.  Getting there as a black man is also impressive, if not slightly less so.  Oh, and if you add to the fact that the dood probably didn’t 100% KNOW he was black, then that was a much smaller burden to bear. At least that’s what I learned from the Dave Chappelle skit about the oldest KKK member who was blind and just happened to be black.

You see, mere hours after taking the oath, this guy and his wife came out and admitted that they’d both cheated on each other a while back.  Granted, they both thought their marriage was failing, but WTF?  Is there not a single person in politics that isn’t cheating on their significant other?

And the revelation that blind politician did it took me back a bit.  Now, if you’re a SIGHTED moral-less scumbag, you can troll high schools, bars, playgrounds, hotel lobbies and such looking for women willing to trade their virtue and self respect for the right to say “Hey!! Guess who jizzed in MY hair?”

Ex-Guv Spitzer (Swallows) taught us that, if motivated, one can even escape the protective umbrella that is your security detail if you wanna score a little Hoboken pink.

But this guy’s blind!  If he tried to flee from Security, they’d just let him go and have a big hearty laugh as the guy stumbled over potted plants, room service trays and possibly the decomposing body of Jimmy Hoffa.  Face it peeps.  Laughs would be had by all.

The other thing that makes me mad is, well, look at the guy.  Wandering eyeballs aside, he ain’t much to look at really.  It drives an Adonis like me CRAZY knowing how hard I had to work to get a little action, and a blind ugly black guy is out scoring at will.

What is this world coming to anyway?

So the question is, does this new guy have to step down now too, or is infidelity okay as long as you’re not stupid enough to pay $4,200 FOR SEX, AND THEN PAY THAT TEN TIMES!?!?!?!?

I am still floored by that number.  If Spitzer had leprocy, herpes, the clap AND the AIDS, it STILL shouldn’t cost a guy with that job nearly five grand to get laid.  Hell, if memory serves and if it weren’t for Stupid Mayor Rudy and his clean up NYC, five grand should have gotten Spitzer roughly 500 Times Square Hand Shandies.

13
Mar

And another thing

By Functionally ReTodded 2 Comments
Categories: Functionally ReTodded, News, Pop Culture and Rant

Since I’m on a roll today, I’d like to ask a few questions and say a few words about the story of the Governor of New York and his whore.

First, this is just the billionth example of a politician getting the job, swearing to get tough and passing judgement on the shortcomings of others, but ultimately stepping in shit themselves.

Examples? Sure.

Newt Gingrich trying to impeach Clinton and berating Clinton for infidelities, and all the while Newtie was banging someone that wasn’t his wife. Oh but he solved that by having his actual wife served with divorce papers in a hospital bed where she was resting while being treated FOR CANCER!

Jesse Jackson offering to “counsel” said President Clinton through his marital woes. Jesse had to make special time for this since he was busy faking a marriage and preparing for the birth of his bastard child by way of one of his staffer’s vaginas.

Anyway, if you’ve been living under a rock, the governor of New York (who was elected on a platform of ending corruption on Wall Street and many other places) has now resigned as a direct result of seeing himself linked to some internet whorehouse and paying up to $80,000 on hookers.

Oh. Did I mention that Le Guv is married and the father of three teenage daughters?

So here are my questions, and some of these have come from other people so thanks for letting me plagiarize.

If you are a governor in the United States, you’re one of the, I don’t know, 200 most powerful people in the US. Shouldn’t you just be able to wander up to some slut from New Jersey and say “Hey baby…have you ever blown a governor?”

I mean, I have a friend that won a couple of gold medals in the Seoul Olympics, and after he got home from Korea, he took the semester off from school.

Why?

So he could go out to bars, wear his gold medal and say “Hey baby. You ever blown a gold medal winner?”

You laugh, but I assure you that he got more ass than a bus station toilet seat during that semester.

You notice I didn’t say that he came home and picked up the phone, called a high priced hooker and paid for sex.

So here’s a guy. He’s married for forever. He’s got THREE teenage daughters. And instead of picking up some homeless woman for a gum-job (a homeless woman that he could have killed, by the way), he went on the internet (you know, that place where you have no privacy anymore thanks to all things Homeland Security) and signed up for an e-whore house. He picked some runaway New Jersey girl who was “in the city for her music career.”

Right honey. Last I checked, there aren’t CD release parties just because you let a guy put his fist up your ass for four grand.

So anyway, the Governor decides to start shuffling money between accounts in large sums, drawing the attention of the IRS.  And it’s extra funny that Governor “no more hootinanny, there’s a new sheriff in town and I’m gonna clean up this state AND this city” is the one that can’t find a more creative way to bust a nut than to find a tramp on the internet.   You know, one he can take to a hotel IN MANHATTAN and have to sneak past his security detail in order to get his pecker wet.

A side note here.  What does it say about your security detail if you, the governor, can sneak past them to another room in someone else’s name that you paid for, in order to get a little?  These clowns are “protecting” the governor of one of the three biggest states in the US…a guy who had pretty big aspirations to change his address to a street that had 1600 in its range.

And again, he was willing to throw away marriage, family, career (current and future) all for this Paris Hilton / Lindsay Lohan wannabe.  Seriously…who elected this complete fucktard?

And now, we have a young woman who ran away from home and decided that selling her juice box to strangers for money by way of the internet was somehow less pathetic and retarded if  she did it on a website with a fancy name like The Emporer’s Club.

Hey honey.  I’ve got a website called The Golden Diamond Platinum Club.  Will you toss my salad for eight bucks and some string cheese?

And now, thanks to the media and our starfucker mentality, this life support system for a used up vagina is going to be famous.  Not John F. Kennedy famous or Martin Luther King Jr. famous.  More like William Hung famous or Lorena Bobbitt famous.  And I’m already tired of you.

So please.  For our sakes.  Please please please climb on to some guys joint who’s hitting 140mph an the New Jersey turnpike in his Ferarri and then you can both pile into a bridge abutment and give me some peace.

Oh, and one more thing.  Governor, you are beyond shameful and disgusting.  You sold the state of New York your “I’m up here and I want to get rid of everyone that’s down there,” and despite your efforts to end some crime, you ended up committing the crime that’s one of the oldest on the planet.  Actually the two oldest:  infidelity and whoredom.

Congrats.  You’re not only dumb.  You’re dumber than almost any of us.

p.s. Fuck you and stay off my television.

16
Jan

Somebody call DFACS! Or the Pope! Somebody help!

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments
Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded, Pop Culture and Rant

So this morning I’m ripping thru bloglines and reading my daily feeds of real news as well as celebrity news, and here’s what I learned:

People in Michigan don’t like Hillary.

Romney’s daddy name still carries a lot of weight in Michigan.

Matthew McKindagay is having a baby with his girlfriend Lance Armstrong  some Brazillian supermodel.

(By the way, is a Brazillian chick having a Brazillian as odd as a Chinese chick ordering Chinese food or better yet having a slanted and maybe even sideways vagina?)

Oh, and breathe heavy dot com has pictures of  our favorite insane and drug addled celebrity petrie dish:  Britney Spears.

It seems that Ms. Spears was at the local CVS or Rite Aid shopping for pregnancy tests.

God dammit.  If this loon shoots another human out of her babymaker, I think every person in the Department of Family and Child Services in LA county should be fired.

Seriously.  This whore apparently thinks she got knocked up by fucking a Paparazzi she barely knows in the midst of losing custody of her kids (possibly forever) because she couldn’t get her drunken ass to the courthouse for any of the hearings, and we as a society should let her have this child?

Shit.  They oughta use the new law Cali is trying to pass and prosecute her if the kid even has a stork bite on his or her forehead when it’s born.

This isn’t like that woman in Chicago who starved and killed her kids one after the other and stuck them in various bedrooms of her home after “falling thru the cracks in the system.”  This dumbshit is on television no less than two hours a day combined nationwide, and i’m sure it’s far more than that.

We just got finished seeing her removed from her home in an evening gown tied to a gurney after a stand-off with police while she was barricaded in her bathroom with one of her kids.  We just got pictures of her shopping for cars in her fucking wedding dress (also known as “outfit number three for the diamond stage for tonight’s show.”)  And now she could somehow, some way, fallen into what I am assuming is a vat of semen and gotten herself pregnant.

We all wait patiently for the outcome.  Maybe she and Jamie Lynn can give birth on the same day, or name their kids the same thing, or something equally retarded.

Fingers crossed everybody!

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