Alright people. I post and comment about a lot of news stories, but since only three of you read my blog at the time this story took place, I am going to dig it out of the caverns of the archive over at TheSmokingGun .
Although the site became famous for posting the mugshots of celebrities busted for DUI, photographer punching, huffing gold paint, or some other thing, this story has stayed with me and will stay with me for the rest of my days. Here’s the first page of the entry and the article from February 16, 2006:
Sicko "Marriage Contract" One For The Ages
Repulsive "Wifely Expectations" pact emerges in Iowa kidnap case
FEBRUARY 17–This country, as you know, is filled with the deranged. And then there’s Travis Frey, a 33-year-old Iowa man who is facing charges that he tried to kidnap his own wife (not to mention a separate child pornography rap). Frey, prosecutors contend, apparently is a rather demanding guy. In fact, he actually drew up a bizarre four-page marriage document–a "Contract of Wifely Expectations"–that sought to establish guidelines for his spouse in terms of hygiene, clothing, and sexual activities. In return for fulfilling certain requirements, Frey (pictured right) offered "Good Behavior Days," or GBDs. Each GBD, Frey wrote, could be redeemed by his wife to "get out of doing the things" he requested daily. A copy of the proposed contract, which Frey’s wife never signed and later provided to cops, can be found below. While we normally point out the highlights of most documents, there are so many in this demented, and very graphic, contract, we really can’t do it justice. So set aside ten minutes–and prepare to be repulsed. (4 pages)
Now, since I care about you, my dear readers, I shall not subject you to trying to decode the four page contract that has been made from copies of copies of copies and whose author used possibly the gayest font since wingdings. (For the record, I can’t find the name of the font he used because it is so gay. Obviously that means Bill Gates and Microsoft are homophobes, but I digress…)
Here is the four page contract, and I have typed it just as it was written. I want you to know that the mind capable of this great detail was not able to punctuate, form proper sentences, or even spell all the time.
Oh, and for fun, I will be adding commentary along the way just to make sure you understand all the legal mumbo jumbo. Said commentary will be between some asterisks. Or maybe ampersands. I haven’t decided.
Contract of Wifely Expectations *Mmmm. Sounds romantic*
For purposes of clarification:
You and any form of it will refer to (wife’s name grayed out) Frey
I and any form of it will refer to Travis Frey
Hygeine & Self Care initials_____
You will shave every third day which includes underarms, chest, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus) all areas are to be completely clean shaven. Above your vaginal slit you may have a patch of pubic hair in any shape, that must be centered above your vaginal slit, it will measure no greater than 2.0" X 1.0", and will maintain a hair length of less 1/3".
*All this and no toothbrushing? And seriously, do you really start off slinging the phrase "vaginal slit" around? Why not something softer, like meal expectations and cleaning rules. Also, when anyone decides on creative bushery, do you really want to be saddled with math? And finally, how can you measure pubes accurately for length? I mean, I don’t know about you, but mine are curly. And blonde. *
Clothes & Other Apparel: initials: _____
you will wear only thigh high & garters and only thong panties. The only exception would be during your menstrual cycle, at which time you could wear either or both. Half of your shoe purchases will be high-heels, 2" or more. You will then wear these high heels more often.
* I like the concession that during her "menstrual cycle" she could choose between thigh-highs & garters or both. Does this even make sense?*
You will give me all non-thong panties and all pantyhose, all thights, all knee-highs, all knee high and / or ankle-high knylons. You be able to keep 5 pairs of non-thong panties of your choice for use during menstural cycle.
* So instead of being the guy caught with 87 pairs of sexy panties during a dorm room search, this guy’s going to have a secret cache of granny panties and old lady nylons?" *
Sleepwear & Sleeping: Initials: _____
When we are at home, and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and then sleep naked, unless instructed otherwise. If I am not home when the kids go to bed you are still to be naked before I return home. The only exception will be during your menstrual cycle.
* 20 minutes? Why 20? What’s magic about that? And what if little Jimmy wakes up to go to the bathroom or ask for a glass of water? "Hey mommy? hy are you naked at 8:20pm and putting a ruler in your muff?" *
When we are not at home, or not alone as a family, you will try to ensure that we sleep together. If we do sleep together you will sleep naked. I will make exceptions for sleepwear, but only if you do not ask for them. Exception will be given based on how well you follow this contract in its entirety. If we do not sleep together your sleepwear must conform to the standards for exceptions.
*OK. Let me get this straight. She has to sleep naked, but might be granted special sleepwear dispensation, but as long as she doesn’t ask for it? And if they aren’t together, she has to conform to the standards for exceptions? Read that last sentence again, in your head, three or four times. Can you make any sense of it? I can’t. *
When exceptions are given, the following is acceptable and is your choice: T-shirts, pajama tops, or gowns as long as the over-all length is not past your knees. Panties (any type) can be worn also. Absolutely no bottoms, shorts, pajama pants or full gowns can be worn.
* All non thong panties were submitted earlier in the contract, but now any type of panties are acceptable? And couldn’t we just call this section the NO PANTS rule and cut out all of the confusing language?" *
When we are in bed together I can cuddle, spoon, hold or touch you in any way, as long as it does not excessively disruptive to your sleep.
*This almost sounds like "Hey, I know you’re asleep. But I don’t think tweaking your nipples like radio dials is EXCESSIVELY disruptive. Who asked you?" *
My-Time: Initials: _____
Whenever we are at home and alone as a family from when you are to be naked until 12:00am, or or three hours, whichever is later, will be My-Time. This time will be time you will devout solely to me, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in manner.
* Anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in manner? Is he gonna surprise her one night and say "Hey honey. Why don’t you put on some overalls and a viking hat and dust the ceramic rooster collection?" This guy seems about as subtle as a shovel to the face. But then again, women like to serve, so having the rules laid out clearly should do nothing but help…right? *
When we are not at home or not alone as a family, My-Time will be modified as follows: you will have your clothes, you will be able to speak openly and you won’t have to perform anything sexual before we are in bed, however all other rules still apply.
* I like that he clears up the confusion about whether she’ll need to submit to the inverted piledriver or not while they are visiting her Aunt Ruth in Cleveland. Except, when they’re alone of course. When all of the other rules still apply. *
During My-Time you -WILL NOT:
- Argue about anything with me or to me.
- Compain about anything to me or about me.
- Cry, sob, whine or pout.
- Sigh, moan, sulk or otherwise show displeasure or unhappiness.
- Raise your voice at or to me.
- Be condescending to, or about me.
- Ask for anything from me or for me.
- Be distracted from me, by other things.
* So basically he wants her to keep the house and kids clean, but other than that she should hide in a closet, of course nude within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and not have anything to do with him except when he wants to finish in her hair or shove a fruit basket in her hoo ha? How romantic? It sounds like he wants to start his version of the He Man Woman Hater’s Club.*
During My-Time you - WILL:
- Be subservient, submissive, and totally obedient.
- To do what you are asked, when you are asked, exactly how your are asked.
- Be cheerful and adoring towards me.
- Be close at all times, unless otherwise told to.
- Perform any and all sexual acts, excluding anal penetration and / or ingestion of cum, when told to.
* And here she should smile, walk around with his peener in her hand, and be willing to flip to page 85 of the Kama Sutra at the drop of a hat. But to his credit, he was kind enough to say that she didn’t have to be forcibly raped anally or swallow jizz. I’m getting a 2006 husband of the year vibe now. *
Editor’s note here. This douche switched from his retardo 12 year old girl font to a font in which the capital letters are sex positions. I think. Now back to the contract. Page 2:
Good Behavior
Since there will be no trading, negotiations, or conciliations of any kind you are given chances to earn Good Behavior Days (GBD’s). To receive GBD’s you are to be totally complaint with everything requested or expected of you, and perform everything with complete and total enthusiasm. In addition GBD’s will be given when you do things from the descriptions below when not expected. If you try to perform something not expected and I tell you no you will receive half GBD’s. Specific GBD info is listed at the bottom right of each description.
*This is where the entire contract goes off the rails. But in a good way. When I read this, I couldn’t dial my wife fast enough to tell her about it, and explore the possibility of using some GBD type of system at our house. She told me to go fuck myself. *
Misbehavior & Noncompliance
Misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested or expected of you, or when you try to negotiate something else instead of what was requested or expected of you. If this happens you will lose 5 GBD’s per incident. It is also misbehavior when you perform half-assed. If this happens you will the the GBD’s that would have been given. If it continues after the GBD are lost then you are considered noncompliant. However, it is not misbehavior to state that there are specific situations requested or expected of you that hurt or cause pain. It is also not misbehavior to suggest ways to avoid those specific situations, other than to propose not to do them.
* This fellow has pretty high standards. Even hall of fame pitchers mail it in once in a while. This woman is expected to win an AVN award every odd Wednesday in December in fucking Iowa as she realizes that she’s married to a complete and total tool. *
You are to do everything that is requested or expected of you, if you do not you are considered noncompliant. You are also noncompliant if you start something and can not or will not finish, even if you state that you are in pain or something hurts. If you are noncompliant then you lose three times amount of GBD’s that would have been given. If you don’t have enough GBD’s to cover the loss, then you will be tied to the bed and I will do whatever I wish too you. This will continue every night until you are ready to be in compliance, at which time you will need to apologize and explain how your are ready to be my sex slave again.
*This one’s fun because I just keep thinking that he’s running around the house looking for things to put in the playground, and if she changes her mind in the midst of putting a fire extinguisher up her ass, she’s non-compliant. And to reinforce it, he’ll tie her to the bed (kidnap her) and do anything he wants to her (rape her) until she apologizes and agrees to be a slave. And ask nicely. Okay, this is more than a little creepy, but there’s plenty of humor still to be had. So lighten up. *
Sleep time & On Demand
Sleep time is from an hour after we are in bed until an hour before the alarm is set for. You are to set the alarm according, and tell me what for time it is set for. If it happens that we are traveling or we are at an event, and we are not able to be home or in bed, sleep time will be consider 11pm to 7am. During this time you are not expected to "perform" anything, however at anytime I can cuddle, spoon, hold or touch you.
*Read that again. Sleep time ends an hour BEFORE the alarm is set for. WHAT? And it’s nice that she doesn’t have to perform oral while sleeping, but once she wakes up an hour before the alarm, it’s all a go. *
There are certain circumstances when you are to perform any and all requests immediately this will. On demand means what I say, when I say, where I say, and how I say. The circumstances are:
- Anytime from 20 min after the kids are in bed up to an hour after we are in bed.
- Anytime from an hour before the alarm is set for to when the alarm goes off.
- Anytime we are alone and without the kids.
- 8-11pm and 6-7am when traveling.
*After the fuzzy bunny and sacrifices he’s made already, now he drops the hammer. She has to be in, willing and ready to go basically at the drop of a hat. I’m actually getting a chubby just thinking about how horny she must have been. *
Dressing Up
For special events that we are to dress up for, when we are going to someone else’s house, or just the two of us are going out your clothes must meet my approval. General rules are:
- Panties are always optional and need not be worn
- Only thigh-highs & garter - no pantyhose.
- If you are not wearing thigh-highs & garter, then no panties.
- All skirts no lower then two inches below the knee (unless it’s for Church).
* This is delightful. I like that panties are optional. Anal is mandatory but panties are optional. And the best of the best is the "unless it’s for church" caveat. How do you think the conversations go at the quilting bees in the church basement go? Does she have anything to talk about with the other midwestern Lutheran housewives? *
GBD - 1 for each time that was not expected 1 per week only if you had to
Shaving
Shaving will be done every third day, and includes underarms, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus), all areas are to be completely clean shaven. Every Saturday you are to use the Wah clippers with a guard no great than 1/2", and then present yourself to me for measurement checks.
* This sounds like a United States Marine Corps uniform inspection, except that it’s for pubes. *
Above your vaginal slit you can have; 1) A rectangle patch; that must be centered above your vaginal slit, it will have a length of no greater than 3/4" the length of your vaginal slit, no wider than 1 in; 2) Any other shape or design that is centered and above your vaginal slit, with an are of no greater than that of an equilateral triangle with a height of 3/4" the length of your vaginal slit; or 3) Completely and totally clean shaven. Regardless of which choice of shave, noncompliance is base on a #2 rate:
GBD - 1/2 per week with #1, 1 per week with #2, and 2 per week with #3.
* In a million years, I never, EVER thought I’d read any document that included the term "vaginal slit" multiple times and also included the muff math and equilateral triangles. Really? Are you kidding me? *
Sleepwear
I will select your sleepwear for you, and you will find it under your pillow if there is non then you are to be naked. You are to have your sleepwear on within 20 minutes after the kids are in bed. This pertains to anytime we are alone as a family, whether or not I am home or in bed with you, and whether or not we are at home. If there is someone else staying with us or we are staying with someone then you are to be naked at the time we go to bed regardless of what was selected. During your menstrual cycle you can wear a top and panties. The top is to be no longer than that to cover your butt cheeks.
GBD - 1/2 per week
* This is where her marriage contract lawyer could tear him apart. Earlier he demands that she be nude within 20 minutes after the kids are in bed. Here, he says she should be in her sleepwear within 20 minutes of the kids going to bed. Isn’t one or the other of these scenarios noncompliance? I really feel like a contract lawyer would tear this apart. *
Fellatio, Intercourse, & Other Sex Acts
Fellatio must last at least, 5min, and may include climax. Intercourse includes anal and vaginal intercourse. Sex Acts can be oral, anal or vaginal and include but are not limited too: stripping, hand-jobs, fingering, masturbation, dildoing, vibrators and object insertions. All applications of lube to myself, you, or any object, will be done by you.
GBD - 19 for anal intercourse not expected, 7 for anal intercourse expected, 3 per fellatio to ejaculation, 1 for each not exptected, 3 per week for expected.
* This guy sets himself up as a sexual Babe Ruth, and then says that a blowjob must last five whole minutes. And "MAY" include climaxing. Huh. Thanks for keeping the mystery in the marriage. Oh, and it’ll be a surprise whether he takes the front door or changes direction and goes for the hershey highway. At my house, there are strict rules about that area, and even accidental contact can result in a five minute game misconduct penalty. Oh, and he doesn’t put on his own lube. That’d be icky. *
Birthdays & Anniversary
On your birthday, Jan 4th you will receive one GBD that is good only on your birthday. On or before my birthday you will select and purchase a sex toy for yourself, this we be consider my birthday gift from you. On or before our anniversary you will select and purchase new lingerie for yourself. Lingerie may include a cameo & panty set, nice nylons & garter set, corset, baby doll set, a costume bra & panty set, etc. Lingerie does not include nightgowns or PJ’s. The lingerie that you selected and purchased, will be your sleepwear for that night.
GBD-9 for each.
* I like that the one day she is safe from this nonsense is her birthday. That’s odd because at my house, we consider my sexual prowess a wifely birthday present that is highly anticipated. And you can buy yourself a jackrabbit, and that’s my present for you. Hooray. *
Photos
You are to pose for 20 photos per quarter on demand, unless your quota is filled. Outfits, toys, and positions will always be chosen by me. You must be freshly shaven on the day that the photos are taken regardless of your shaving schedule. You will also style hair, apply makeup and nail polish as needed. All photos are done in sets no less than five. You have a quota of one set per month.
GBD-3 if all 4 sets finished a month early. 3 per set not expected. 1 per quota met.
* Here is a lot more math that include five pictures a month but 20 photos per quarter in sets of five, and whenever that day of photography arrived, you’d be shaved. Is this at all affected by the every three days rule or the Saturday clippering rule? Jesus, I need some vag-fro cliff notes for this. *
Quarterly Negotiation
By the first day of each quarter you must choose how to keep track of your GBD’s. You can either be given actual paper GBD’s that you are responsible for returning to be redeemed, or you can choose to have them track on the computer.
* This is where he’s kind of like the guy that started mormonism, in that he wants to create currency. At some point, don’t you just buy an extra monopoly set and use that play money? *
By the end of the first day of each quarter you are to choose your "pet name" that you want me to call you by. Your choice must meet my approval, and noncompliance will be a 20 GBD loss.
* The fact that it costs 20 GBD’s to not come up with a pet name but you only get nine for going for anal without any suggestion? It would seem that the house has the advantage. Kind of like Vegas. *
This is not a contract; it is a description of rules for you. You can within two weeks prior to the end of the quarter request a change. If you request a change before that time you will loss 10 GBD’s. Negotiations requested in a timely manner will be done after you are in your sleepwear. All properly made requests, will be consider. Changes made will be explained at the beginning of the next quarter.
*And the coup de gras is here. The first sentence. "THIS IS NOT A CONTRACT." The very first line of the document or "agreement" says "CONTRACT OF WIFELY EXPECTATIONS." It’s like the guy lost his mind about three paragraphs ago. *
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this as much as my wife and I did.
Oh, and this is why my wife’s online identity is GBD. She embraces this contract and its contents as though I wrote it myself.
Keep your pubes freshly shorn everybody,
FRT
What say you?