Functionally ReTodded

From writer’s block, that is.  At least for now.

I think it’s called Serendipity, but I love those days where I’m watching five minutes of news before I leave for work and a story comes on and I know instantly that it is the topic for that day’s post.

And that’s just what happened this morning.

A story hit the news about an interview President Obama gave with NBC.  Said interview included a fly buzzing around until finally, after several swattings, the president put the smack down and killed the fly.

(I’d like to let it be known that I refuse to watch these fluffy bunny puff piece interviews with any president or any other politician).

This morning, this story hit the web.

The two parts I enjoyed / loathed were:

"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

and

Friedrich said that PETA was pleased with Obama’s voting record in the Senate on behalf of animal rights and noted that he has been outspoken against animal abuses.

Still, "swatting a fly on TV indicates he’s not perfect," Friedrich said, "and we’re happy to say that we wish he hadn’t."

(disclaimer:  I am not in favor of the needless harming of animals, like that asshole in Florida that killed 18 cats recently.   The state could save a lot of time, money and pain by gassing that shit-head now before he becomes Jeffrey Dahmer Jr).

NOT making the news this morning was the plea deal reached between prosecutors and Cleveland Browns WR Donte` Stallworth.

You see, back in March, Donte` was in Miami driving drunk and speeding in his Bentley when he struck and killed a pedestrian.

In addition to an undisclosed settlement with the victim’s family to avoid a civil case, Stallworth lost his driver’s license for life (LOL) and received a sentence of 30 days in jail for manslaughter while driving drunk.  He’ll be required to serve 24 days.

Meanwhile, Michael Vick has lost over 100 million dollars, 2 years in a federal penitentiary and will be a social pariah for life.  Oh, and he’ll have to beg commissioner Roger Gooddell on bended knee (and probably with Roger’s dick in his mouth) for the right to play in the NFL again.

How is that justice?

I’m not defending what Vick and his associates did because it’s deplorable.  But we now have a second example of an NFL player driving drunk and hitting and killing a human being.  Donte`(and Leonard Little before him) both committed the same crime, a human died, and I don’t think they missed an NFL paycheck.  (My Auburn roots think it’s not a coincidence that these two shitasses went to Tennessee, but I digress).

And my question is, where is the People for the Ethical Treatment of People protest being held to shame the Browns and the NFL into taking a stand on this issue?

The answer?  Nowhere.  Why?  Because Peta folks are self righteous and elitest loons.

How do I know this?  Because I’m pretty sure that the next member of Peta that is diagnosed with cancer of the whatever won’t refuse the chemo and radiation treatments we use to cure the disease.  Those cures were tested and "perfected" on animals.

The same thing goes for the next fat Peta fucker that needs a bypass.  They didn’t test that shit on hobos and lepers (although that may be an awesome idea).  They tested those methods on animals. The same goes for doing stitches, organ transplants, vaccines, etc.

There is a responsibility that comes with being at the top of the food chain, being able to talk and having opposable thumbs.  But there is also the need to understand that you can’t have it both ways.

Like the bible thumpers that cling to their interpretation of a few passages in the bible while ignoring the rest, it does no good to throw fake blood at someone in a fur coat but then accept the vaccination your kid gets to keep them from dying of Meningitis or some other hideous disease.

So unless you Peta-ers are willing to sign some waiver that says "I accept everything that happens to me as a result of my refusal of all things that have ever involved the harming of any living creature past or present and this decision precludes me from basically all medical care and 90 percent of the food I need to survive," then please do me a favor and shut the fuck up.

For those of you that tolerate my ass-hattery on Facebook, you have already read this article.  Hell, if you don’t play on Facebook you’ve read about it.  After I posted the link on Facebook I pushed it aside,  but GBD sent the link to me and said I might want to blog about it.

And that made me start thinking about it again, and after about 30 seconds, I found myself standing up again.

Anyway, here’s the headline and a link to the story:

Florida woman calls 911 after McDonald’s runs out of McNuggets

I refuse to post the text of the story.  It’s your responsibility to read the first three paragraphs before you snap like I did.

A woman (who doesn’t appear to be mentally incapacitated in any way) walked into a McDonald’s.  She ordered a 10-piece McNuggets and paid for it.  She was then told that they were out of McNuggets.  She was told all sales were final.  She was offered a McDouble instead.  She wanted a refund.  She was told that she couldn’t have a refund.

So she called 911.

Three.  Times.

That’s right citizens of Fort Pierce, Florida.  If you know anyone that died or was hurt because the police didn’t get to them in time, it’s because THIS shit for brains fucktard called 911 about McNuggets!

Now, I don’t know anything about Fort Pierce, Florida.  Maybe they have a high crime rate.  Maybe it was late at night.  Maybe the cashiers aren’t authorized to remove money from the drawer.

Or maybe the loser at the register was just trying to be a dick.  (Hey.   It’s possible).

But where in your apparently brain-free cranium do you do the injustice and crime math and decide "Yep.  McDonald’s has committed a heinous crime against me.  A crime so heinous that I consider it an emergency and must now occupy dispatch and patrol officers’ time by calling 911.  And I will not just call them once.  Or twice.  I will call them three times.  It’s really that big of an emergency."

For the benefit of doing thorough research, I’ll listen to the three 911 calls now…

Oh goody.  Here’s an exerpt from call number one:  "She say she are the manager."

No more excerpts.  She’s a moron.

Now I ask you.  Where are we today as a society where, when we have a squabble about six bucks, we call 911?  Not just the police, mind you.  Nine. One. One.

Are we soooooo reliant on the government to take care of us that we can’t handle even an assinine disagreement like this without involving the po-po?  Really?

Again, the manager (or whoever it was) was an asshole.  Anytime a place like that can’t fill your order, they should refund your money.  But as the consumer, this loon should have called the 1-800-lickmynuggets number posted next to the Happy Meal toy display and complained, and they would have gladly sent her a gift card or something.

McDonald’s tried to make it right after the fact.  They offered her a refund and a free meal.  Of course Latreasa declined the offer, as she has sought legal help and may sue McDonald’s.

(Left eye twitching)

Let me get this straight.  You’re so god damned stupid that, in your brain, the only possible solution to the problem described above is to call 911 EMERGENCY?  THREE TIMES???

And when you got arrested for abusing the 911 system for said problem instead of being sane and either going somewhere else or whatever, you’ve decided to hire Siler & Jonap, Attorneys at Law to represent you when you sue McDonald’s?

SUE THEM FOR WHAT?  YOUR FUCKING CHANGE?  A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF POLYNESIAN SAUCE?  WHAT IN THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE OWED? YOU SHOULD THANK THEM FOR NOT SERVING YOU THE HEART ATTACK YOU ORDERED.  MAYBE IT WAS GOD TELLING YOU TO EAT A FUCKING SALAD!

(Left eye twitching uncontrollably now)

If I’m McDonald’s corporate or the franchisee, here’s what I would do:

First, I apologize to all of the other patrons who were inconvenienced by your shit-assery.

Second, I apologize to any citizens in the area that received a slow response or no response from 911 for an actually emergency or life-threatening situation due to YOUR negligence and stupidity.

Third, I make you stand against a wall and I let saidr citizens throw your restitution at you in pennies from ten feet away.  ($5 or so should do it).

Fourth, I announce that your pain and suffering settlement (I’m thinking $100 here considering that juries are retarded and might actually award you something for being what should essentially be called a failed abortion) has been mailed to a PO Box in Alaska.  Pick it up whenever you’d like.

And lastly, I would tell you and the entire area that you are banned from my establishment forever.  The profit on six bucks worth of deep-fried lips and assholes isn’t worth the trouble of dealing with the likes of you.

Of course, I guess I should be happy.  At least the cop that picked her up wasn’t out writing bullshit tickets to soccer moms in subdivisions.

Alright people. I post and comment about a lot of news stories, but since only three of you read my blog at the time this story took place, I am going to dig it out of the caverns of the archive over at TheSmokingGun .

Although the site became famous for posting the mugshots of celebrities busted for DUI, photographer punching, huffing gold paint, or some other thing, this story has stayed with me and will stay with me for the rest of my days. Here’s the first page of the entry and the article from February 16, 2006:

Sicko "Marriage Contract" One For The Ages

Repulsive "Wifely Expectations" pact emerges in Iowa kidnap case

FEBRUARY 17–This country, as you know, is filled with the deranged. And then there’s Travis Frey, a 33-year-old Iowa man who is facing charges that he tried to kidnap his own wife (not to mention a separate child pornography rap). Frey, prosecutors contend, apparently is a rather demanding guy. In fact, he actually drew up a bizarre four-page marriage document–a "Contract of Wifely Expectations"–that sought to establish guidelines for his spouse in terms of hygiene, clothing, and sexual activities. In return for fulfilling certain requirements, Frey (pictured right) offered "Good Behavior Days," or GBDs. Each GBD, Frey wrote, could be redeemed by his wife to "get out of doing the things" he requested daily. A copy of the proposed contract, which Frey’s wife never signed and later provided to cops, can be found below. While we normally point out the highlights of most documents, there are so many in this demented, and very graphic, contract, we really can’t do it justice. So set aside ten minutes–and prepare to be repulsed. (4 pages)

Now, since I care about you, my dear readers, I shall not subject you to trying to decode the four page contract that has been made from copies of copies of copies and whose author used possibly the gayest font since wingdings. (For the record, I can’t find the name of the font he used because it is so gay. Obviously that means Bill Gates and Microsoft are homophobes, but I digress…)

Here is the four page contract, and I have typed it just as it was written. I want you to know that the mind capable of this great detail was not able to punctuate, form proper sentences, or even spell all the time.

Oh, and for fun, I will be adding commentary along the way just to make sure you understand all the legal mumbo jumbo. Said commentary will be between some asterisks. Or maybe ampersands. I haven’t decided.

Contract of Wifely Expectations *Mmmm. Sounds romantic*

For purposes of clarification:

You and any form of it will refer to (wife’s name grayed out) Frey

I and any form of it will refer to Travis Frey

Hygeine & Self Care initials_____

You will shave every third day which includes underarms, chest, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus) all areas are to be completely clean shaven. Above your vaginal slit you may have a patch of pubic hair in any shape, that must be centered above your vaginal slit, it will measure no greater than 2.0" X 1.0", and will maintain a hair length of less 1/3".

*All this and no toothbrushing? And seriously, do you really start off slinging the phrase "vaginal slit" around? Why not something softer, like meal expectations and cleaning rules. Also, when anyone decides on creative bushery, do you really want to be saddled with math? And finally, how can you measure pubes accurately for length? I mean, I don’t know about you, but mine are curly. And blonde. *

Clothes & Other Apparel: initials: _____

you will wear only thigh high & garters and only thong panties. The only exception would be during your menstrual cycle, at which time you could wear either or both. Half of your shoe purchases will be high-heels, 2" or more. You will then wear these high heels more often.

* I like the concession that during her "menstrual cycle" she could choose between thigh-highs & garters or both.  Does this even make sense?*

You will give me all non-thong panties and all pantyhose, all thights, all knee-highs, all knee high and / or ankle-high knylons. You be able to keep 5 pairs of non-thong panties of your choice for use during menstural cycle.

* So instead of being the guy caught with 87 pairs of sexy panties during a dorm room search, this guy’s going to have a secret cache of granny panties and old lady nylons?" *

Sleepwear & Sleeping: Initials: _____

When we are at home, and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and then sleep naked, unless instructed otherwise. If I am not home when the kids go to bed you are still to be naked before I return home. The only exception will be during your menstrual cycle.

* 20 minutes?  Why 20?  What’s magic about  that?  And what if little Jimmy wakes up to go to the bathroom or ask for a glass of water?  "Hey mommy?  hy are you naked at 8:20pm and putting  a ruler in your muff?" *

When we are not at home, or not alone as a family, you will try to ensure that we sleep together. If we do sleep together you will sleep naked. I will make exceptions for sleepwear, but only if you do not ask for them. Exception will be given based on how well you follow this contract in its entirety. If we do not sleep together your sleepwear must conform to the standards for exceptions.

*OK.  Let me get this straight.  She has to sleep naked, but might be granted special sleepwear dispensation, but as long as she doesn’t ask for it?  And if they aren’t together, she has to conform to the standards for exceptions?  Read that last sentence again, in your head, three or four times.  Can you make any sense of it?  I can’t. *

When exceptions are given, the following is acceptable and is your choice: T-shirts, pajama tops, or gowns as long as the over-all length is not past your knees. Panties (any type) can be worn also. Absolutely no bottoms, shorts, pajama pants or full gowns can be worn.

* All non thong panties were submitted earlier in the contract, but now any type of panties are acceptable?  And couldn’t we just call this section the NO PANTS rule and cut out all of the confusing language?" *

When we are in bed together I can cuddle, spoon, hold or touch you in any way, as long as it does not excessively disruptive to your sleep.

*This almost sounds like "Hey, I know you’re asleep.  But I don’t think tweaking your nipples like radio dials is EXCESSIVELY disruptive.  Who asked you?" *

My-Time: Initials: _____

Whenever we are at home and alone as a family from when you are to be naked until 12:00am, or or three hours, whichever is later, will be My-Time. This time will be time you will devout solely to me, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in manner.

* Anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in manner?  Is he gonna surprise her one night and say "Hey honey.  Why don’t you put on some overalls and a viking hat and dust the ceramic rooster collection?"  This guy seems about as subtle as a shovel to the face.  But then again, women like to serve, so having the rules laid out clearly should do nothing but help…right? *

When we are not at home or not alone as a family, My-Time will be modified as follows: you will have your clothes, you will be able to speak openly and you won’t have to perform anything sexual before we are in bed, however all other rules still apply.

* I like that he clears up the confusion about whether she’ll need to submit to the inverted piledriver or not while they are visiting her Aunt Ruth in Cleveland.  Except, when they’re alone of course.  When all of the other rules still apply.  *

During My-Time you -WILL NOT:

1. Argue about anything with me or to me.
2. Compain about anything to me or about me.
3. Cry, sob, whine or pout.
4. Sigh, moan, sulk or otherwise show displeasure or unhappiness.
5. Raise your voice at or to me.
6. Be condescending to, or about me.
7. Ask for anything from me or for me.
8. Be distracted from me, by other things.

* So basically he wants her to keep the house and kids clean, but other than that she should hide in a closet, of course nude within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and not have anything to do with him except when he wants to finish in her hair or shove a fruit basket in her hoo ha?  How romantic?  It sounds like he wants to start his version of the He Man Woman Hater’s Club.*

During My-Time you - WILL:

1. Be subservient, submissive, and totally obedient.
2. To do what you are asked, when you are asked, exactly how your are asked.
3. Be cheerful and adoring towards me.
4. Be close at all times, unless otherwise told to.
5. Perform any and all sexual acts, excluding anal penetration and / or ingestion of cum, when told to.

* And here she should smile, walk around with his peener in her hand, and be willing to flip to page 85 of the Kama Sutra at the drop of a hat.  But to his credit, he was kind enough to say that she didn’t have to be forcibly raped anally or swallow jizz.  I’m getting a 2006 husband of the year vibe now. *

Editor’s note here. This douche switched from his retardo 12 year old girl font to a font in which the capital letters are sex positions. I think. Now back to the contract. Page 2:

Good Behavior

Since there will be no trading, negotiations, or conciliations of any kind you are given chances to earn Good Behavior Days (GBD’s). To receive GBD’s you are to be totally complaint with everything requested or expected of you, and perform everything with complete and total enthusiasm. In addition GBD’s will be given when you do things from the descriptions below when not expected. If you try to perform something not expected and I tell you no you will receive half GBD’s. Specific GBD info is listed at the bottom right of each description.

*This is where the entire contract goes off the rails.  But in a good way.  When I read this, I couldn’t dial my wife fast enough to tell her about it, and explore the possibility of using some GBD type of system at our house.  She told me to go fuck myself.  *

Misbehavior & Noncompliance

Misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested or expected of you, or when you try to negotiate something else instead of what was requested or expected of you. If this happens you will lose 5 GBD’s per incident. It is also misbehavior when you perform half-assed. If this happens you will the the GBD’s that would have been given. If it continues after the GBD are lost then you are considered noncompliant. However, it is not misbehavior to state that there are specific situations requested or expected of you that hurt or cause pain. It is also not misbehavior to suggest ways to avoid those specific situations, other than to propose not to do them.

* This fellow has pretty high standards.  Even hall of fame pitchers mail it in once in a while.  This woman is expected to win an AVN award every odd Wednesday in December in fucking Iowa as she realizes that she’s married to a complete and total tool. *

You are to do everything that is requested or expected of you, if you do not you are considered noncompliant. You are also noncompliant if you start something and can not or will not finish, even if you state that you are in pain or something hurts. If you are noncompliant then you lose three times amount of GBD’s that would have been given. If you don’t have enough GBD’s to cover the loss, then you will be tied to the bed and I will do whatever I wish too you. This will continue every night until you are ready to be in compliance, at which time you will need to apologize and explain how your are ready to be my sex slave again.

*This one’s fun because I just keep thinking that he’s running around the house looking for things to put in the playground, and if she changes her mind in the midst of putting a fire extinguisher up her ass, she’s non-compliant.  And to reinforce it, he’ll tie her to the bed (kidnap her) and do anything he wants to her (rape her) until she apologizes and agrees to be a slave.  And ask nicely.  Okay, this is more than a little creepy, but there’s plenty of humor still to be had.  So lighten up. *

Sleep time & On Demand

Sleep time is from an hour after we are in bed until an hour before the alarm is set for. You are to set the alarm according, and tell me what for time it is set for. If it happens that we are traveling or we are at an event, and we are not able to be home or in bed, sleep time will be consider 11pm to 7am. During this time you are not expected to "perform" anything, however at anytime I can cuddle, spoon, hold or touch you.

*Read that again.  Sleep time ends an hour BEFORE the alarm is set for.  WHAT?  And it’s nice that she doesn’t have to perform oral while sleeping, but once she wakes up an hour before the alarm, it’s all a go. *

There are certain circumstances when you are to perform any and all requests immediately this will. On demand means what I say, when I say, where I say, and how I say. The circumstances are:

• Anytime from 20 min after the kids are in bed up to an hour after we are in bed.
• Anytime from an hour before the alarm is set for to when the alarm goes off.
• Anytime we are alone and without the kids.
• 8-11pm and 6-7am when traveling.

*After the fuzzy bunny and sacrifices he’s made already, now he drops the hammer.  She has to be in, willing and ready to go basically at the drop of a hat.  I’m actually getting a chubby just thinking about how horny she must have been. *

Dressing Up

For special events that we are to dress up for, when we are going to someone else’s house, or just the two of us are going out your clothes must meet my approval. General rules are:

• Panties are always optional and need not be worn
• Only thigh-highs & garter - no pantyhose.
• If you are not wearing thigh-highs & garter, then no panties.
• All skirts no lower then two inches below the knee (unless it’s for Church).

* This is delightful.  I like that panties are optional.  Anal is mandatory but panties are optional.  And the best of the best is the "unless it’s for church" caveat.  How do you think the conversations go at the quilting bees in the church basement go?  Does she have anything to talk about with the other midwestern Lutheran housewives? *

GBD - 1 for each time that was not expected 1 per week only if you had to

Shaving

Shaving will be done every third day, and includes underarms, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus), all areas are to be completely clean shaven. Every Saturday you are to use the Wah clippers with a guard no great than 1/2", and then present yourself to me for measurement checks.

* This sounds like a United States Marine Corps uniform inspection, except that it’s for pubes. *

Above your vaginal slit you can have; 1) A rectangle patch; that must be centered above your vaginal slit, it will have a length of no greater than 3/4" the length of your vaginal slit, no wider than 1 in; 2) Any other shape or design that is centered and above your vaginal slit, with an are of no greater than that of an equilateral triangle with a height of 3/4" the length of your vaginal slit; or 3) Completely and totally clean shaven. Regardless of which choice of shave, noncompliance is base on a #2 rate:

GBD - 1/2 per week with #1, 1 per week with #2, and 2 per week with #3.

* In a million years, I never, EVER thought I’d read any document that included the term "vaginal slit" multiple times and also included the muff math and equilateral triangles.  Really?  Are you kidding me? *

Sleepwear

I will select your sleepwear for you, and you will find it under your pillow if there is non then you are to be naked. You are to have your sleepwear on within 20 minutes after the kids are in bed. This pertains to anytime we are alone as a family, whether or not I am home or in bed with you, and whether or not we are at home. If there is someone else staying with us or we are staying with someone then you are to be naked at the time we go to bed regardless of what was selected. During your menstrual cycle you can wear a top and panties. The top is to be no longer than that to cover your butt cheeks.

GBD - 1/2 per week

* This is where her marriage contract lawyer could tear him apart.  Earlier he demands that she be nude within 20 minutes after the kids are in bed.  Here, he says she should be in her sleepwear within 20 minutes of the kids going to bed.  Isn’t one or the other of these scenarios noncompliance?  I really feel like a contract lawyer would tear this apart. *

Fellatio, Intercourse, & Other Sex Acts

Fellatio must last at least, 5min, and may include climax. Intercourse includes anal and vaginal intercourse. Sex Acts can be oral, anal or vaginal and include but are not limited too: stripping, hand-jobs, fingering, masturbation, dildoing, vibrators and object insertions. All applications of lube to myself, you, or any object, will be done by you.

GBD - 19 for anal intercourse not expected, 7 for anal intercourse expected, 3 per fellatio to ejaculation, 1 for each not exptected, 3 per week for expected.

* This guy sets himself up as a sexual Babe Ruth, and then says that a blowjob must last five whole minutes.  And "MAY" include climaxing.  Huh.  Thanks for keeping the mystery in the marriage.  Oh, and it’ll be a surprise whether he takes the front door or changes direction and goes for the hershey highway.  At my house, there are strict rules about that area, and even accidental contact can result in a five minute game misconduct penalty.  Oh, and he doesn’t put on his own lube.  That’d be icky. *

Birthdays & Anniversary

On your birthday, Jan 4th you will receive one GBD that is good only on your birthday. On or before my birthday you will select and purchase a sex toy for yourself, this we be consider my birthday gift from you. On or before our anniversary you will select and purchase new lingerie for yourself. Lingerie may include a cameo & panty set, nice nylons & garter set, corset, baby doll set, a costume bra & panty set, etc. Lingerie does not include nightgowns or PJ’s. The lingerie that you selected and purchased, will be your sleepwear for that night.

GBD-9 for each.

* I like that the one day she is safe from this nonsense is her birthday.  That’s odd because at my house, we consider my sexual prowess a wifely birthday present that is highly anticipated.  And you can buy yourself a jackrabbit, and that’s my present for you.  Hooray.  *

Photos

You are to pose for 20 photos per quarter on demand, unless your quota is filled. Outfits, toys, and positions will always be chosen by me. You must be freshly shaven on the day that the photos are taken regardless of your shaving schedule. You will also style hair, apply makeup and nail polish as needed. All photos are done in sets no less than five. You have a quota of one set per month.

GBD-3 if all 4 sets finished a month early. 3 per set not expected. 1 per quota met.

* Here is a lot more math that include five pictures a month but 20 photos per quarter in sets of five, and whenever that day of photography arrived, you’d be shaved.  Is this at all affected by the every three days rule or the Saturday clippering rule?  Jesus, I need some vag-fro cliff notes for this. *

Quarterly Negotiation

By the first day of each quarter you must choose how to keep track of your GBD’s. You can either be given actual paper GBD’s that you are responsible for returning to be redeemed, or you can choose to have them track on the computer.

* This is where he’s kind of like the guy that started mormonism, in that he wants to create currency.  At some point, don’t you just buy an extra monopoly set and use that play money?  *

By the end of the first day of each quarter you are to choose your "pet name" that you want me to call you by. Your choice must meet my approval, and noncompliance will be a 20 GBD loss.

* The fact that it costs 20 GBD’s to not come up with a pet name but you only get nine for going for anal without any suggestion?  It would seem that the house has the advantage.  Kind of like Vegas.  *

This is not a contract; it is a description of rules for you. You can within two weeks prior to the end of the quarter request a change. If you request a change before that time you will loss 10 GBD’s. Negotiations requested in a timely manner will be done after you are in your sleepwear. All properly made requests, will be consider. Changes made will be explained at the beginning of the next quarter.

*And the coup de gras is here.  The first sentence.  "THIS IS NOT A CONTRACT."  The very first line of the document or "agreement" says "CONTRACT OF WIFELY EXPECTATIONS."  It’s like the guy lost his mind about three paragraphs ago. *

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this as much as my wife and I did.

Oh, and this is why my wife’s online identity is GBD.  She embraces this contract and its contents as though I wrote it myself.

Keep your pubes freshly shorn everybody,

FRT

I’ve given this a lot of thought over the last two months while I was taking a dump this morning, and I’ve come up with some ways that I think will help ALL Americans perceive that Obama’s (first) term in office was a success.

Since I’m busy (and hungry), let’s get right to it.

1. All public restrooms without a lockable door to the outside (gas stations) will have floor to ceiling walls on all sides and a full door on the front.  There’s no reason this wasn’t in the Bill of Rights, let alone added to the Constitution.
2. Get rid of income taxes and implement a consumption tax.  You don’t have to even call it the Fair Tax.  You can call it anything you want.  I don’t care if you call it the gay nazi tax or the I Hate Whitey tax.  Just stop punishing people for accomplishing things.
3. Have cameras constitutionally banned from cell phones.  Since the day they arrived on the scene, I have said that they are only good for pedophiles and high school kids sending each other pictures of their private parts.
4. That said, if you aren’t going to ban cellphone cameras, at least have a government agency created to run the website depository where these pictures are to be managed and published.  One or the other.
5. Legalize marijuana.  I don’t think that legalizing all drugs is smart.  Obviously meth and shit like that is terrible and dangerous (and makes people ugly).  But the government could raise an ass-full of money taxing pot and controlling the strength of it.  You’re under fifty and a Democrat.  There’s no way on God’s green earth you haven’t hit a bong a dozen times in your life.  Hang up your cardigan and let your freak flag fly a little.
6. Mandate that the Superbowl either be moved to Saturday or that the day after the Superbowl is a national holiday.  There’s no reason I should have to work the day after the fourth biggest excuse to get drunk in our society.  (The others are New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo).
7. Have legislation passed that states that no political advertising may mention the opponent or his talking points.  The only political ads allowed in our nation are ones where the person on or in the ad talks about his or her beliefs / plans.  That’s it.  Mudslinging is for Jerry Springer and anti-Scientologists.
8. Tell the truth about recycling.  It’s expensive and not necessary.  I mean, it’s fine if you want to do it, but don’t guilt me about it.  If you want my old shit, go to the dump and get it.  I don’t have time to sort my trash for the hippies.
9. It is imperative that term limits be imposed on Congress.  Change senatorial terms from six to four years and then set the mandate that no one can serve more than eight years in Congress in their lifetime.  If it’s good enough for the president, it’s good enough for assclowns like Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd.  Congress isn’t a career you jackasses.
10. And finally, putting on makeup or eating while driving a car should be a felony and require their driver’s license to be suspended for a year.  I can’t believe that we have to hear how dangerous cell phones are, but every day some lazy bitch is driving 20 mph under the speed limit straddling two lanes while she applies eyeliner.  And yes, if you’re putting your makeup on while driving a car, you’re lazy.  It means your late and you didn’t get up in time to get your shit done at home.  Just drive the car to where you’re going, and put on your makeup when you get there.

I welcome anyone to submit their recommendations as well.

I’m sure I’ll have more political stuff down the road, but I have to pace myself.  After all, it’s day two of the new administration.  I have to give them some time.

Until next time, Bitches.

FRT

I’m sure all of you are waiting to send me cards, presents and even cards filled with money, so I will go ahead and let you know the details. On July 3, 2008 I will be turning 40. Forty. Four Zero. I’m not upset about it. I’m not sad about it. I’m not anything about it. I genuinely stopped associating anything with the number of years I’ve been alive when I left my wife’s 30th birthday party. And as I have said many times over the past two and a half years, the alternative to getting older every year is a good deal more troubling.

Anyway, in honor of my birthday and in no particular order, here are 40 things about turning 40.

1) I have way more hair on my head than I thought I would.

2) I have way less hair anywhere else than I thought I would.

3) I feel way younger at 40 than I thought I would.

4) I feel way older than I think I should.

5) Now I can hold my head high when entering the clinic asking to have my prostate exam.

6) I should not ask for a prostate exam at the dentist’s office, the movie theater or The Home Depot.

7) If I were 400 years old, I STILL wouldn’t be able to watch The McNeil Lehrer show.

Ditto for NPR.

9) When my dad turned 40, I was almost 15. Fuck was HE old.

10) As I turn 40, my kids are six, two point five and one. I don’t think I’m old at all.

11) Maturity is CLEARLY not age based.

12) 40 sounds like a good age to focus on developing one’s career.

13) I feel like maybe I should feel ashamed rummaging thru the xbox 360 rental section at Blockbuster.

14) I don’t.

15) As much as I hated my job at 30, I LOVE my job at 40.

16) While I hoped I would be, I’m still pretty shocked that the wife and I are still the wife and I after 22 years.

17) I love my wife and kids more than I let on sometimes.

18) Will I ever NOT love pizza?

19) I don’t look like I’m getting older. Why the hell does everyone else?

20) Is there a forty year old on the planet that owns less tools and knows how to do less WITH those tools than me? I’m pretty sure 1doh could run circles around me building a birdhouse.

21) Same goes for cars and car maintenance. I’m pretty sure I could cure cancer before I could change my own oil. Is that healthy?

22) When does one begin taking Geritol? What does it do anyway?

23) Should I concern myself with the farm report, rainfall amounts or titty bars?

24) I am constantly surprised and yet not surprised at all by the stupidity AND the kindness of strangers.

25) I am more conservative politically than I was at 30.

26) I am more disgusted with the republican party than I was at 30.

27) I’d like to start taking my kids to early season Auburn Football games so they experience that in person.

28) I want to teach my kids to do more things than I was taught to do.

29) Is your 40th birthday literally the last day it’s remotely acceptable to drink beer(s) via a funnel and some rubber tubing?

30) I have far few friends at 40 than I had at 20 or 30.

31) I have far better friends at 40 than I do at 20 or 30, and I value them more than I did then as well.

32) I am far closer to my family than I thought I would ever be.

33) I regret the time lost in my life due to my stubborn nature and my short-sightedness.

34) I am about 70-75% comfortable in my own skin and about who I am.

35) I’d like to learn more about macro and global economics so I can be more educated when I vote, invest and bitch about stuff.

36) I always regretted not ending up with a cool nickname.

37) Despite being told for years that your taste buds change and that "someday you’ll like asparagus/broccoli/cauliflower/any bean that isn’t a green bean/any other awful vegetable," I don’t think I ever will.

38) I wonder how my parents (all of them) do what they do at 20+ years older than me. My knees and ankles hurt like fuck when I get up every day as it is.

39) I look forward to turning 50 WAY more than I did yesterday.

40) PAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!