NASCAR archive at Functionally ReTodded

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May

$159 dollars for WHAT?

Categories: 1Doh, 2Doh, Functionally ReTodded, GBD, NASCAR, Sports and Uncategorized

First, I’d like to say that if this isn’t the greatest post in the history of the worldwide interweb, I blame…well, anyone but me.

You see, I wrote a freaking awesome blog entry after spending weeks mired in a funk of non-blogging. But this one broke the ice. I spent the entire day waiting to read / hear some commentary about my posting awesomeness.

Instead, I got silence. Is it possible that I’m not as hilarious and brilliant as I thought I was? Of course THAT can’t be the problem. I will now attempt to reproduce my brilliance. ********************************************************************

This weekend is Mother’s Day. It is also one of my favorite times of the year.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself, "FRT, why would that be? You like sports and beer and eating, and none of those things have anything to do with Mother’s Day," and you would be right.

Is it because I get the chance to honor the woman I’ve loved for all of my adult life and that I’ve been married to for sixteen years as of today?

Is it because I get the chance to thank that woman for being the greatest mother to our children that I could have ever hoped for and more?

Is it because I get a chance to honor the many mothers (mine and other people’s) that played key roles in me becoming the person I am today?

Nah. It’s none of those things.

My favorite part of the Mother’s Day season is the jewelry commercials on the radio. Here are a couple of examples:

"Show your mom you care with a pearl necklace."

"Nothing says ‘I love you mom’ quite like a pearl necklace."

"Have your kids give their mom a pearl necklace to show how much they love her."

I shit you not people. I nearly have to pull over to avoid wrecking by the Thursday prior to Mother’s Day.

On a slightly tangential topic, I have a question. Besides guys named Rod Rammer, Buck Naked or Miles Long, who has the nerve to pull off that move? Seriously. Imagine the conversation. "Hey honey, I’ve enjoyed making love to you tonight. How about we tie a nice little bow around the event by me ejaculating all over you and hopefully not hitting you in the face with it?"

Seriously? Who says yes to that.

Now, I’ve had participated in some similar experiences that weren’t quite that bad. I’ve given:

pearl thigh (I was young and very excited)

pearl shower curtain pearl

hotel drapes

pearl striped tube sock

pearl handful of tissues

pearl jesus I think that hit the dresser

pearl car seat

pearl sofa

pearl someone else’s sofa

pearl subway bench

pearl Blimpie’s bench

Well, I think you get the point. Anyway, happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there. Here’s hoping you don’t get any in your eyes or in your hair.

Mar

I’m pro choice

By Functionally ReTodded 2 Comments

Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded and NASCAR

Wait a minute. That may lead you to believe that this post is about something other than what it’s actually about:

Cable television.

Over the last 36 hours, the state of Georgia has gotten some pretty foul and even dangerous weather, but it was especially bad up and around where I live (and Coal Miner’s Grand-daughter as well).

That said, It wasn’t 12 hours in a row bad. There were things I wanted to watch on television. Many things. But I couldn’t.

You might be asking yourself “But why FRT? This isn’t Russia. This is America. You can watch whatever you want.”

Au contraire mon frere. Despite living in the land of the free and the home of the brave, if there’s been a tur-na-duh around, we have to shut down the world and watch our local radar all damned day long.

“But FRT, most normal tv stations will at least run split screen technology to keep the weather on and allow them to show their regular programming. The advertiser-funded stuff that I actually want to watch.”

You would think that would be the case. But you would be wrong. On our local stations, we got to see the full screen idiocy of the weather-tards masturbating one another with terminology about tornadoes, cyclonic activity, etc.

What SHOULD have happened is this. A message gets sent to my cable box requiring me to respond. The message would say “Would you like to continue watching the local coverage or would you like to make us go away and opt to see the network feeds instead?”

And I would have obviously chosen plan B so I could WATCH THE FUCKING RACE!!!!

Oct

A shotgun blast

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment

Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded, NASCAR, Rant and Sports

(Avitable, you can just scroll on down until you get to the row of asterisks. This part isn’t for you).

Before we get started, I am going to say this one time and we’ll be done with it forever.

HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU LET A GUY GET PAST THE GOAL LINE ON A PASS ROUTE WITH ONE SECOND TO GO?!?!?!

Seriously. Why doesn’t a coach say “Just pull the fucker down. We are NOT getting beat like that. It’s not like they’re gonna put time back on the clock.”

And for the record, I was blissfully asleep and unaware when LSU scored with one second to go to beat Auburn. Otherwise, I’d still be vomiting.

Since they came back from down three games to none in 2004, it is almost anticlimactic that the Boston Red Sox stood up and overcame a 3-1 deficit to beat the Cleveland Indians.

Now Boston, whose bats have come alive, get to face three guys who haven’t been in the bigs for a month, and they get to do it in a park where Ozzie Smith would have hit forty home runs? YAY!

I’ve been meaning to ask for some time now, and one way or another I want an answer. Is it “pit road” or “pit row?” I am finding that the terms seem to be treated as interchangeable, and I don’t think they are. I am thinking that the pit stalls themselves are “pit row,” while the paved area the drivers leave the track for to get to their pit stall is pit road. Either way, I’m needing an answer.

****************************************************************************************************

Today was a good day at my Google home page. I have the Joke 0′ the Day add-in, and today’s entry was one of my two favorite jokes in the entire world. Here it is:

“Bartender, gimme ‘nother drink, says a very drunk man.

Sorry sir,” replies the bartender. “I have to cut you off.”

“Just gimme another drink.”

“O.K. I”ll make a deal with you. I”ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you”re done or not you have to go.”

“Thass a good deal,” the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. “Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife’s gonna kill me.”

“Relax,” the bartender says, “give me a five-dollar bill.” The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy’’s shirt pocket. “When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned.”

Thass a great idea!”

Then the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?”

He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, “Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned.”

The drunk’s wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, “THERE’S TEN BUCKS HERE!”
“Oh yeah, he shit in my pants, too.”

zing!!!

Aug

Things that make you (my readers) go zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments

Categories: Functionally ReTodded, NASCAR and Rant

This is racing post, so if you already rolled your eyes, screw you. Don’t read it.

As many of you know, the extrication of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. from DEI and the employment of his stepmother Theresa has been painful, public and very messy. The fact that the son of “The Man,” the son who shares the name over the front door, left to drive for rival Hendrick Motorsports tells you all you need to know about how bad things can get.

Then there was the contentious negotiation surrounding Junior’s efforts to bring the number eight with him to HMS, which ultimately didn’t happen for whatever reason you choose to believe.

Since that time, speculation has run wild as to what number Joonyer will run next year and into the future. Junior himself has speculated about running the number 81 and several others.

But then, something amazing happened (allegedly).

According to the worldwide leader in sports…no wait, that’s ESPN. According to Speed’s Bob Dilner, Robert Yates Racing (owned by former crew chief and not at all today’s typical owner) Robert Yates and his son Doug, is offering their number 38 to Junior.

Why does that matter, you might be asking?

That’s easy. Junior drove the 8. His grandfather Ralph drove the 8. and the 3 was driven by, well, if you don’t know that, you didn’t get this far in this post anyway, so nevermind.

Anyway, I think that’s pretty cool. I’ve always liked Yates and, with the exception of career douchebag Dale Jarrett, I’ve always found myself pulling for Robert’s drivers. Rudd, Allison, Robby Gordon, Elliott Sadler, and now David Gilliland. It seems that Robert always seems to find guys that are good drivers but also good people, and Robert rewards them by being a standup guy and a great owner.

I really hope this works out. It’d be nice to see Junior get a number that works and ties his past with his future.

Oh, and I’ve already got some 38 swag anyway. So I’ll be ahead of the game.

By the way, is there any way Joonyer could get M&Ms as a sponsor and change his name to Sadler?

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