Archive for the 'Humor' Category

11
Feb

Oh mother fucker…

I thought of many different titles for this post, but ultimately this one stuck.  Don’t like it?  Pfffft.

Oh, and a note here.  In an effort to be honest with you and myself, I have been thinking pretty deeply about why I don’t write like I used to write.

It turns out, the more stress and /or duress I’m under in my personal and / or professional life, the less my brain works towards coming up with asinine things to pretend to be mad about or amused by or to really be mad about or amused by.  (I know that sentence sucked.  I have neither the time nor the inclination to fix it.  Want it done better?  Talk to a Lit Graduate like LAB).

Suffice it to say that all of that changed last night while accidentally watching our pathetic local news .

If you didn’t click the link or read the story, here it is in a nutshell.

The Asian community (translation:  two angry Jesse Jackson-like neighborhood activists and race pimps) are upset because MARTA, our local pathetic rapid transit system, shows on its maps that the line that runs through Doraville and Chamblee is colored yellow and referred to in the recorded announcements as "The Yellow Line."

Yellow Line

Never mind that the yellow line runs from Doraville to the airport south of town.  Never mind that the yellow line runs thru the blackest of black neighborhoods in our inner-city.  This is obviously a not so subtle example of MARTA officials being racist.  (He says yelling unintelligibly into a megaphone with five people standing behind him with pathetically spelled, hand-scrawled signs).

Let me say this to the "activists" out there.

Settle the fuck down.  Settle down and work on solving an actual problem instead of burning calories on shit like this.

"But FRT," you are saying to yourself.  "This is an obvious case of racism."

Not so fast.  Here’s a little history lesson.

MARTA’s rail system is horrid.  We’ve laughed at it for over 30 years.  It’s the most inconvenient transit system to use in the developed world.  That said, it’s laughably simple.  Here’s the deal.

MARTA (Metro Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority or, as suburban folks used to call it, Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta) has a logo.  And colors.  They’ve been here since forever.  Here it is:

MARTA Logo

You may notice that the colors in the logo are orange, yellow and blue.

When the rail system came into existence, there were two lines:  yellow and blue.  Yellow went north and south and blue went east to west.  Orange was left out, I assume, because it was very close to orange and stupid people would get confused and / or lost.

As the system laughably "expanded", including a split on the north end and the west end, new lines were added to the map.  They were green and red.  Again, orange was left out to avoid confusion.

Here’s the map as it stands today.

Further, the yellow and blue lines were setup MANY years ago.  I was in 6th grade or so in 1979 when they opened.  In the time since then, the communities of Doraville and especially Chamblee (or as it’s referred to now: Chambodia) have become the main areas where the Asians in this area choose to live.  It’s not really any different than Korea Town in LA or Little Italy in New York, except it’s just strip malls with nail salons and restaurants with signs I can’t read.

This is an example of the opposite of racism.  If these folks were so offended, why didn’t they start gathering on the blue or green lines?

Further, I haven’t heard any Irish people bitching about the Green Line.  And another question for me is why did the pussies at 11alive choose to post the MARTA map including ONLY the yellow line in its color and not the others?

Because that would have taken all the wind out of the reverse racists’ sails.  If you watched the news and saw a map with five different colored lines, you’d call this whole story bullshit.  And news people can’t fill thirty minutes with overt and obvious bullshit.  Unless you’re cable news.

And another thing.  It’s not like they referred to the North end of the yellow line as the slant line or the bad driver line or the good at math line.  It’s a color.  Shut the fuck up.

Yet another point not in your favor is WHY they use colors to mark the particular lines and routes.  It wasn’t to be racist.  It’s because so many people that use MARTA either can’t read English or can’t fucking read at all.  Do you think if they referred to the yellow line as the Ponce De Leon line and the blue line as the Magellan line things would be better?  Would the French and Spanish be offended?

My point is, it’s pathetic to think that the naming of the MARTA lines was subtly or overtly racist.  Primary colors were used, much like they are in other cities around the world.

You don’t have to look too hard to find racism in Atlanta, or any city for that matter, but going to these lengths to find it indicate that these Community Organizers (rabble-rousing douchebags) just wanted an entity with a perceived fat wallet to hit.

The good news is that the group has a solution.

"Do they want MARTA to change the name and color of the line?"

Nope.

They’ve suggested a sticker.  One that goes over every sticker and sign that says YELLOW.  Guess what it says?

GOLD.

That’s right peeps.  This horrifically painful example of gratuitous racism can be solved by calling yellow gold.

Sweet jesus.

I’ve got news for you jackasses.  MARTA has no wallet.  The people that run MARTA are as dumb and blind as the government, and that’s mostly because the local governments are HEAVILY involved in the operation of MARTA.  They suck at what they do worse than the post office.  And you "activists" are the MARTA of the Civil Rights "movement."

Sincerely,
FRT

21
Jan

Today’s example of GAAAAAAAH!!!

As you all may or may not know, I like food.

(I shall now pause while you pick yourself AND your jaws off the floor).

I like all kinds of food.  Barring 92.7% of the world’s vegetables, I love all kinds of foods.  But my favorite favorite favorite foods are breakfast foods and specifically, fast food breakfast foods.

I love biscuits, gravy, hash browns, egg mcmuffins, chicken biscuits, sausage biscuits, etc.  If you combine poultry or pork with a cheese / egg / gravy combination and throw a fried potato item in too, you’ve got me.  Further, I am not capable of limiting my order when I get to the window / speaker / clown’s mouth.  I always order too much.

So you can only imagine how excited I’ve been these last months where every fast food joint except one (EFF EWE Chick Fil A) has a dollar menu.  I pull up, dig thru the console of my truck (or one of the kids’ piggy banks) and order a couple of items.  It’s cheap, it’s cheesy and it’s breakfasty.  YAY!

The other thing fast food joints have done is start marketing two-fers.  Much like FM radio stations in the 80’s had "Twofer Tuesdays," the fast food places now have them too.  Like Hardee’s has the "2 Sausage and egg biscuits for $2.22" and Mcdonald’s has the "2 Egg McMuffins for $2.50" or "2 Sausage McMuffins for $2.50" deals.  I’m incapable of driving by, especially if I’ve stolen helped my self to some change out of that bowl on top of the dryer.

But last week, the McDonald’s near me stopped the "2  for $2.50" thing and started a "sausage mcmuffin meal for $2.49" thing.  That’s also a winner for me since the bucket of unsweet tea is a buck and I get my caffeine and a cup to use for the day to boot.

So I pull up to the window and, as always, confirm the special.  I say "Do you still have the sausage mcmuffin meal for $2.49 available?"

After a brief pause, I got a barely awake "Ummm…I don’t know."

Me:  Silence, then "Can you ask?"

Mensa Member:  "Um…I’m not sure."

Now, it’s not like I asked if I could get soy milk or if the meal was kosher.  I asked him to confirm the ONE GOD DAMNED BREAKFAST SPECIAL THAT HIS STORE WAS CURRENTLY ADVERTISING!!!"

So I shrug, say fine, and order the number one (egg mcmuffin, hash brown and drink) with an unsweet tea and he replies "what size drink?"

Jesus.  The picture on the menu says WITH A LARGE TEA! I didn’t say SuperSize.  I literally ordered the number one.  I’m sure the cash register button for that meal is just a big fucking number one.  Leave it for Carmelita at the pick up door to work out the drink math, jackass.  Just push the button to the left of the backwards letter S (a.k.a. the fucking two) and let’s move on with it.

I pulled up to the window, was greeted by one of non-credited cast members from near the end of the movie "Awakenings," and paid the not correct price for my advertised meal he couldn’t find out about and moved ahead, because I was late.

I got my drink (lifted the lid and tested it because I don’t trust Mr. Lipton himself to get my fucking tea order correct), took my bag o’ food and left.

As I got on the highway (while talking on the phone, texting and doing my makeup) I reached into the bag for my hashbrown, which ALWAYS gets eaten first.  Potato products are on life support once you hit a public thoroughfare.

Wait a minute.  Where’s the hashbrown?  Isn’t it in here?

I look in, and there are two sandwhiches.  And no hash browns.

And the sandwiches are BOTH sausage mcmuffins, neither of which come with the god damned number one that I ordered based on the fucking picture on the menu for retards!!

To sum up, Instead of the special I wanted (sausage mcmuffin, hash brown, large unsweet tea) or the number one that I ordered (egg mcmuffin, hash browns, large unsweet tea), I got a large unsweet tea and two dollar menu items for about $4.70 that, if I’d just ordered a la cart, would have been three fucking dollars and eighteen god damned cents!!

AND I DIDN’T GET MY HASH BROWN!!

So the next time someone bitches about why they are working at McDonald’s or, more likely, bitching about how they’re unemployed (and thus NOT working at McDonald’s), the answer is simple.

You.  Are.  A.  Complete.  Idiot.

The fact is, if your day finds you punching pictures on a cash register while wearing an over-sized headset and a hair net, you don’t have a job.  You are in daycare or prison.

Enjoy your snack time and sippy cup and try not to shit yourself, you geniuses.

06
Aug

Could someone loan me a time machine please?

This morning I was browsing some news headlines and I was actually surprised by one of them.

It seems that a woman is offering the naming rights to her not yet born child to the highest bidder on Ebay .

Let’s set the stage here.  36 year old Lavonne Drummond lives in the hopping town of Smackover, Arkansas and is an unemployed mother of six children that is married to a man who is in the Navy and stationed in Virginia.

She has decided that, to better her family’s life, she’s going to sell the naming rights to her pending litter addition to someone on the interweb, provided they meet the $25,000 Reserve.

First off, didn’t this fad of selling shit like this on Ebay end about 12 years ago?  Naming rights are SO Clinton administration.  Now it’s ALL virginity.  Now THAT would be worth $25,000.

Secondly, do we need to discuss the lack of any common sense here since we have a woman who has six kids and is having a 7th on a US serviceman’s salary?  Really?  Even if she was employed as a nuclear physicist, that money and attention has to be stretched pretty thin already.

And two quotes stand out to me from the story:

A)  Drummond said she’s unable to work because of the high cost of day care, and she relies on her sister and husband to survive.

B)  "The economy is so bad and there’s no jobs out here that will support a family of my size," she said. "Someone has the ability to make a huge difference for this family."

As for A, I think someone might have reminded her a year ago that if she couldn’t work due to the high cost of day care, having another fucking kid wasn’t going to improve that situation on any front.

And B is so beyond absurd, I’d call it laughable if it didn’t affect all of us.  If there are no jobs out there that will support a family of your size, then stop making your fucking family bigger!!  God dammit people.  Why do we continue to pay for any benefits at all for people that are so stupid that we don’t need them surviving, let alone procreating again.  I mean, what happens when old Mr. Drummond comes home on leave and she gets pregnant again?

And isn’t this a perfect example of why people on government assistance should be on long term birth control?  You don’t get to have babies and add to the head count if your neighbors are paying the bills.

Thirdly, has the media not learned that if you give morons like any attention at all on a regional or national scale, it will seem like 1001 other folks crapped out a litter and wanted their 15 minutes.

The only answer to this problem is for the internet to raise enough money amongst the sarcastic bastards I know from the internet and give the child a name that will deter other women from trying shit like this in the future.

To that end, I have some suggested names we could use:

10)  Half Price Drummond

9)   Low Self Esteem Drummond

8)   Disposable Drummond

7)   CEO Drummond

6)   Please Helpme Drummond

5)   Gimme Gimme Drummond

4)   Jeremiah Duggar

3)   Wardof TheState Drummond

2)   Call DFACS Drummond

1)   Obama Drummond

Sincerely,
FRT

20
Jun

A public service announcement

Today I’ve decided to offer some advice to you, my readers, also known as my wife and moms.

First off, as most of my readers may be aware, I was recently forced to endure a trip to the 21st century’s version of Ellis Island, otherwise known as the DMV.

Why was that?

Because sometime during my last 36 hours in Phoenix last month I lost my driver’s license, and I was fortunate enough to make this discovery at the Delta counter in Phoenix on my way home.

Luckily I had my passport with me, but that meant I needed a replacement license.

I went online when I got home and it said I could request and purchase a replacement license online!!  YESSS!!!  All I needed to do is enter four pieces of information:

Name?  Got that one right.

Date of Birth?  Hell yeah.  Just around the corner.

Social Security number?  Aced it again.

Driver’s License number:  Wait.  What?

Where do I get that besides on the license that I lost that I’m trying to replace?

You see kiddies, years ago, you could request that your SSN be your license number so there was no problem.  But then, the age of identity theft arose, so the state governments decided to end that practice and make the driver’s license number different.  But no biggie, right?  I mean, I don’t write checks anymore, so my DL number isn’t important, is it?

Unless of course I want to renew it online.  GRRRRR.

So my advice kiddies is to write down your DL number or email it to yourself or write it somewhere in your garage.  That way you can avoid the DMV and the muffin tops and the illegal alien dating game in line.

27
May

And here I sit, feeling ReTodded

No, not actually FEELING ReTodded. Just stupid.

I took a Lortab last night because Frankentoe was pissing me off quite a bit, and I put the bottle away.

Only I don’t know where it is.

Seriously.

I’ve looked top to bottom in every cabinet in the kitchen. I looked in my bathroom in every drawer and cabinet. I looked in the couches, end tables, the basement, my car, my backpack and even my super secret hiding places.

And before Avitable asks, I also looked in my ass. I found a gerbil skeleton wrapped loosely in duct tape, some car keys, a map of Belize, the Bose in-ear headphones I lost a year ago, my old student ID card and a still-sealed pack of Orville Redenbacher Movie Theater butter flavored popcorn.

But no Lortab.

I’m at a loss. Where do YOU think my Lortab is?




 

March 2010
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