Functionally ReTodded

I was all set to be funny and / or witty and / or deep or whatever today, and then fate stepped in and threw me a hanging curve.

Michael Jackson is dead. And do you know what I say to that?

Good.

Was he talented? Of couse.

Did he change pop music forever? Absolutely.

Did he change how music videos were made / aired / viewed? Without question.

Was he tormented by the weight of being that famous at such a young age? I’m sure.

Did having abusive parents affect him? No doubt about it.

But at the end of the day, humans are responsible for their own actions. And I don’t think there’s any question that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, was a child molester and a pedophile.

We can quibble back and forth about it having never been proven, about inuendo and false accusations. But here’s what I know.

A person accused of anything that isn’t true and is potentially slanderous or libelous can sue his or her accuser. That’s what innocent people do.

I don’t want to hear shit about "He was never convicted." Roger Clemens swore up and down he’d never done steroids. Hell, he perjured himself in front of congress about it. But did he sue his accuser?

No.

Because he knows that he’s guilty.

That’s how our system works. I don’t want to hear any shit about Michael being a target because he was wealthy and popular, blah blah blah.

He was a target because he did it. And we as a society let him.

How?

By airing special after special about him hanging out with all children, sleeping or "spending the night" with children, etc. It went on for 20 years and we all said "Awwww…Michael’s so sweet and he sings so nice and he loves kids. I’m sure that’s all just a coincidence."

Except it wasn’t.

And as details came out years later, it turns out that the shitty parents of a helpless kid basically sold their son’s innocence and possibly sanity to Michael Jackson and his penis for some undisclosed sum of money.

And we all sat back and said "Disgusting.  Those people are taking advantage of Michael because he’s famous."

No. They were taking advantage of him because they let him diddle their kid.

If you are a vagrant and wander on to a playground or public park and put your dick in a kid’s mouth, you go to jail, serve time, and possibly die at the hands of your fellow inmates.

If you sell fifty bojillion records and put your dick in a kid’s mouth (or a bunch of kids’ mouths), you’re a  victim, your misunderstood, and in some people’s eyes, you’re even a martyr.

I say fuck all of that.  And fuck you Michael Jackson.  You managed to set the movement of children reporting molesters to adults back about 30 years.

I hope you rot you fucker.

Today I’ve decided to offer some advice to you, my readers, also known as my wife and moms.

First off, as most of my readers may be aware, I was recently forced to endure a trip to the 21st century’s version of Ellis Island, otherwise known as the DMV.

Why was that?

Because sometime during my last 36 hours in Phoenix last month I lost my driver’s license, and I was fortunate enough to make this discovery at the Delta counter in Phoenix on my way home.

Luckily I had my passport with me, but that meant I needed a replacement license.

I went online when I got home and it said I could request and purchase a replacement license online!!  YESSS!!!  All I needed to do is enter four pieces of information:

Name?  Got that one right.

Date of Birth?  Hell yeah.  Just around the corner.

Social Security number?  Aced it again.

Driver’s License number:  Wait.  What?

Where do I get that besides on the license that I lost that I’m trying to replace?

You see kiddies, years ago, you could request that your SSN be your license number so there was no problem.  But then, the age of identity theft arose, so the state governments decided to end that practice and make the driver’s license number different.  But no biggie, right?  I mean, I don’t write checks anymore, so my DL number isn’t important, is it?

Unless of course I want to renew it online.  GRRRRR.

So my advice kiddies is to write down your DL number or email it to yourself or write it somewhere in your garage.  That way you can avoid the DMV and the muffin tops and the illegal alien dating game in line.

Today on the interweb there is a story about a politician .  Here’s the story in a nutshell:

Man runs for Senate seat.  Has campaign staff in his employ.

Man wins Senate seat.

Sometime in the past year, said politician knocked boots with a member of his campaign staff.  (I’m assuming he used his campaign staff if you know what I mean.  Heyooooooh!)

Story gets made public.

Politician THEN apologizes AFTER he has been outed for it by saying:

"Last year I had an affair. I violated the vows of my marriage," Ensign said. "It is the worst thing I have ever done in my life. If there was ever anything in my life that I could take back, this would be it."

No fucking shit?  Really?  You got caught fucking an employee behind your wife’s back, and you’d like to take it back?

No.  What you’d like to take back is getting caught fucking your employee.  You don’t want to take back fucking your employee.  That went swimmingly well I assume.

Needless to say I’m no longer shocked when these narcissistic pricks inevitably get caught doing this shit.  I literally don’t think they can help it.

But what they CAN help doing is running the old "Extortion" flag up the pole.

(In my best blow-hard politician voice)

"Hey everybody.  Let’s not spend too much time focusing on the fact that I have such an overwhelming character flaw and weak spine that I cheated on and lied to the one person I shouldn’t:  my spouse.  Let’s focus on the fact that someone told me that they would tell the world about my cheating if I didn’t pay them.  THEY are the real criminals here."

This is literally no different than when a man cheats on a woman and that woman is mad at the person the man cheated with, not the cheater himself.  It fucking infuriates me that this continues to go on.  You can go back thousands of years, but we can start with the tear-stained, televised "apologies" of Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, Gary Hart, Gary Condit, a not so teary but very literal Bill Clinton, and on and on and on.

If you want out, say it, get out, and THEN kick it with your old gym teacher / neighbor / bar whore / whomever.  Just don’t ask for our pity or for us to wag our finger at some other person for publicizing your ass-hattery.

Edit to add:  Dammit.  I really should have read the rest of the article.

It turns out that this dickhead was one of the loudest voices trying to make Larry Craig quit after Craig tried playing peepee-footsie at the Minneapolis airport.

Oh, and he’s a member of the Promise Keepers Ministry.  If you wanna get mad this morning, go check those shit-heads out.  But make sure your wife is at home darning socks and chopping firewood first.

No, not actually FEELING ReTodded. Just stupid.

I took a Lortab last night because Frankentoe was pissing me off quite a bit, and I put the bottle away.

Only I don’t know where it is.

Seriously.

I’ve looked top to bottom in every cabinet in the kitchen. I looked in my bathroom in every drawer and cabinet. I looked in the couches, end tables, the basement, my car, my backpack and even my super secret hiding places.

And before Avitable asks, I also looked in my ass. I found a gerbil skeleton wrapped loosely in duct tape, some car keys, a map of Belize, the Bose in-ear headphones I lost a year ago, my old student ID card and a still-sealed pack of Orville Redenbacher Movie Theater butter flavored popcorn.

But no Lortab.

I’m at a loss. Where do YOU think my Lortab is?

I just finished some research (at FoxNews) and I’ve uncovered some exciting news.  But you have to promise not to tell anyone.

Thanks to my diligence, you will now know the all of the secret celebrity beach body tips.

That’s right.  I’m about to enlighten you with words from Heaven.  Or Hollywood.  Wait.  Aren’t they the same?

Anyway, here are the tips and their author (with some commentary from me).

Eva Longoria : "I always get a good bikini wax and I always spray tan before I go to the beach. Its really key, not only because it acts as a sunblock but you look better in a bikini when you’re already tan."

So Eva Longoria, a woman so hot that my friend Dann would like to make sun tea with her panties, relies on spray tan and a good bikini wax?  I have news for you Eva.  You could have a bush the size of this afro:

And dudes would still think you were hot.  Shut up.

Kristin Cavallari : "I hit the gym and get a tan - being tan makes you look skinnier! I also watch my diet. During the week I’m pretty good but then Saturday and Sunday I eat whatever I want, but as long as I get back on it Monday I’m okay."

Hey Kristin, I know that you think being tan makes you look skinnier, but SO DOES BEING FUCKING SKINNY!!  You must have left out the "Then I vomit up what I ate on Saturday and Sunday."

(Sports Illustrated cover girl) Marisa Miller : "Skin is huge and there are so many great bronzers. Self tanners were a little funky ten years ago but the color is a lot better now. That’s the most important thing, if you have a little glow it really hides imperfections - bruises, spider veins, we all have little cellulite. That’s the best tip I can give, when you have that glow and you’re moisturized the light hits you in a different way. Especially after winter we have really dry skin it’s important to exfoliate, moisturize and do a self-tanner."

After I stopped masturbating, I re-read that and said "Cellulite?  Really?  We all do?  Where’s yours?  In some giant jar where you keep your dead fat great grandmother in formaldahyde?  That’s the only cellulite you have."

Shannen Doherty : "The only thing I do is take care of my body. I do a scrub, lotion and lots of sunblock. I don’t diet."

And you also avoid the painful aging that results from being under the hot lights on tv and movie sets by not working, right?

Joanna Krupa : "I am not the gym-rat type so I looked for something to keep me in bikini shape without constant training and I found Powerplate! It’s amazingly effective - I hit it once a week and it takes care of everything, it’s Hollywood’s best kept secret."

Once a week?  Really?  I don’t know what Powerplate is, but I’m guessing it’s a salad and about three eight-balls of cocaine on Friday.  That’s the only way any once a week regimen could work.

Tara Conner : "Wear a bathing suit that is totally comfortable, you don’t want to be playing with it all the time or having it slip. You have to feel comfortable to feel confident and look your best."

So my baggy cargo shorts with my dunlop over the top are the way to go, huh?  That’s good to know, as that’s all I’m planning on wearing.

Kimberly Caldwell : "I try to work out at least 4 or 5 times a week, I do cardio, running, weights and I really try to eat healthy. It is hard for me to stay away from McDonalds. The fries at McDonalds and ice cream. dipping the fries in the McFlurry, its trashy I know. But closer to summer, it is salads and chicken."

At least she’s honest.  But still dumb.  Everyone knows that the best fry-shake combination is the Wendy’s original Frosty with Wendy’s Fries.  That shit rocks.  I’m guessing that if I worked out four to five times a week for a month, I’d look even more awesome than I do.

AnnaLynne McCord : "First and foremost love the skin you’re in no matter what. Look in the mirror and say ‘I love you love you love you’. Then do yoga, that’s my thing. I like hiking too. Then a good spray tan - just don’t go out the day of, I learned the hard way on that one."

Not much to add except fuck you AnnaLynne McCord.  It’s easy to love the skin you’re in when you have an ass that you can bounce a quarter off of.  I do too, but regular folks can’t understand that.  Try a little humility next time.

Bethenny Frankel : "The only rule you cannot break is do not binge. Eat more high volume foods, have soups and pureed vegetables, eat a salad first even if you want something fattening. Order two appetizers instead of an entree and leave a little food on your plate."

While I disagree on the binging (since that’s how I truly feel love), I’m down with the rest of her plan.  Except for pureed vegetables, soups, and salad first.  I love the two appetizer idea though.  That sets up a nice bed for the 16 ounce ribeye.

Samantha Harris : "I stay in shape all year-round. I try to get the perfect balance between fat, carbs and protein for energy and eat every 2-3 hours. I love exercise and I try to change it up everyday and do lots of different classes at Equinox and then I do things like running up the Santa Monica steps with my baby. I’ve also just started getting into Bikram yoga which is so amazing, you get to stretch and sweat out those toxins.

God bless you Samantha.  I’m gonna take you up on that.  While working 10 hours a day, I will find time to eat every two hours (perfectly balancing protein and carbs), many classes at the gym, running steps and then also taking Bikram Yoga.  DFACS will take my kids, but I’ll look even more amazing than I do already.

Angie Harmon : "I’ve got to get on a treadmill and do some weight training soon! I don’t diet because I’m breast feeding, but normally yes I would (for summer)."

Not much to say here but that I got a bit doughy when she said breast feeding.

Debra Messing : "I run after my son a lot. I try to eat really good organic fruits and vegetables and just try to eat only when I’m hungry.

I run after our kids a lot too.  But organic = expensive and when you factor in that I don’t give a crap about pesticides and preservatives.  Further, I’m always hungry.  You suck.

Jennifer Coolidge : "I just wear a lot of makeup. When I say to those actresses ‘you look really incredible, what are you doing?’ they never tell you. I’m like come on! I know there’s some inside crap that they’re doing, and I know there’s Botox, but there’s even a more inside thing going on… Only a few actresses know what it is. My thing is just wear makeup

Jennifer is funny and honest and has big cans.  So she’s my big winner even if she goes swimming in overalls.

I hope that this has been both informative and helpful.  I know I’ll never look at Eva Longoria’s crotch the same way again.

All my best,

FRT