Functionally ReTodded

I was all set to be funny and / or witty and / or deep or whatever today, and then fate stepped in and threw me a hanging curve.

Michael Jackson is dead. And do you know what I say to that?

Good.

Was he talented? Of couse.

Did he change pop music forever? Absolutely.

Did he change how music videos were made / aired / viewed? Without question.

Was he tormented by the weight of being that famous at such a young age? I’m sure.

Did having abusive parents affect him? No doubt about it.

But at the end of the day, humans are responsible for their own actions. And I don’t think there’s any question that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, was a child molester and a pedophile.

We can quibble back and forth about it having never been proven, about inuendo and false accusations. But here’s what I know.

A person accused of anything that isn’t true and is potentially slanderous or libelous can sue his or her accuser. That’s what innocent people do.

I don’t want to hear shit about "He was never convicted." Roger Clemens swore up and down he’d never done steroids. Hell, he perjured himself in front of congress about it. But did he sue his accuser?

No.

Because he knows that he’s guilty.

That’s how our system works. I don’t want to hear any shit about Michael being a target because he was wealthy and popular, blah blah blah.

He was a target because he did it. And we as a society let him.

How?

By airing special after special about him hanging out with all children, sleeping or "spending the night" with children, etc. It went on for 20 years and we all said "Awwww…Michael’s so sweet and he sings so nice and he loves kids. I’m sure that’s all just a coincidence."

Except it wasn’t.

And as details came out years later, it turns out that the shitty parents of a helpless kid basically sold their son’s innocence and possibly sanity to Michael Jackson and his penis for some undisclosed sum of money.

And we all sat back and said "Disgusting.  Those people are taking advantage of Michael because he’s famous."

No. They were taking advantage of him because they let him diddle their kid.

If you are a vagrant and wander on to a playground or public park and put your dick in a kid’s mouth, you go to jail, serve time, and possibly die at the hands of your fellow inmates.

If you sell fifty bojillion records and put your dick in a kid’s mouth (or a bunch of kids’ mouths), you’re a  victim, your misunderstood, and in some people’s eyes, you’re even a martyr.

I say fuck all of that.  And fuck you Michael Jackson.  You managed to set the movement of children reporting molesters to adults back about 30 years.

I hope you rot you fucker.

Today I’ve decided to offer some advice to you, my readers, also known as my wife and moms.

First off, as most of my readers may be aware, I was recently forced to endure a trip to the 21st century’s version of Ellis Island, otherwise known as the DMV.

Why was that?

Because sometime during my last 36 hours in Phoenix last month I lost my driver’s license, and I was fortunate enough to make this discovery at the Delta counter in Phoenix on my way home.

Luckily I had my passport with me, but that meant I needed a replacement license.

I went online when I got home and it said I could request and purchase a replacement license online!!  YESSS!!!  All I needed to do is enter four pieces of information:

Name?  Got that one right.

Date of Birth?  Hell yeah.  Just around the corner.

Social Security number?  Aced it again.

Driver’s License number:  Wait.  What?

Where do I get that besides on the license that I lost that I’m trying to replace?

You see kiddies, years ago, you could request that your SSN be your license number so there was no problem.  But then, the age of identity theft arose, so the state governments decided to end that practice and make the driver’s license number different.  But no biggie, right?  I mean, I don’t write checks anymore, so my DL number isn’t important, is it?

Unless of course I want to renew it online.  GRRRRR.

So my advice kiddies is to write down your DL number or email it to yourself or write it somewhere in your garage.  That way you can avoid the DMV and the muffin tops and the illegal alien dating game in line.

From writer’s block, that is.  At least for now.

I think it’s called Serendipity, but I love those days where I’m watching five minutes of news before I leave for work and a story comes on and I know instantly that it is the topic for that day’s post.

And that’s just what happened this morning.

A story hit the news about an interview President Obama gave with NBC.  Said interview included a fly buzzing around until finally, after several swattings, the president put the smack down and killed the fly.

(I’d like to let it be known that I refuse to watch these fluffy bunny puff piece interviews with any president or any other politician).

This morning, this story hit the web.

The two parts I enjoyed / loathed were:

"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

and

Friedrich said that PETA was pleased with Obama’s voting record in the Senate on behalf of animal rights and noted that he has been outspoken against animal abuses.

Still, "swatting a fly on TV indicates he’s not perfect," Friedrich said, "and we’re happy to say that we wish he hadn’t."

(disclaimer:  I am not in favor of the needless harming of animals, like that asshole in Florida that killed 18 cats recently.   The state could save a lot of time, money and pain by gassing that shit-head now before he becomes Jeffrey Dahmer Jr).

NOT making the news this morning was the plea deal reached between prosecutors and Cleveland Browns WR Donte` Stallworth.

You see, back in March, Donte` was in Miami driving drunk and speeding in his Bentley when he struck and killed a pedestrian.

In addition to an undisclosed settlement with the victim’s family to avoid a civil case, Stallworth lost his driver’s license for life (LOL) and received a sentence of 30 days in jail for manslaughter while driving drunk.  He’ll be required to serve 24 days.

Meanwhile, Michael Vick has lost over 100 million dollars, 2 years in a federal penitentiary and will be a social pariah for life.  Oh, and he’ll have to beg commissioner Roger Gooddell on bended knee (and probably with Roger’s dick in his mouth) for the right to play in the NFL again.

How is that justice?

I’m not defending what Vick and his associates did because it’s deplorable.  But we now have a second example of an NFL player driving drunk and hitting and killing a human being.  Donte`(and Leonard Little before him) both committed the same crime, a human died, and I don’t think they missed an NFL paycheck.  (My Auburn roots think it’s not a coincidence that these two shitasses went to Tennessee, but I digress).

And my question is, where is the People for the Ethical Treatment of People protest being held to shame the Browns and the NFL into taking a stand on this issue?

The answer?  Nowhere.  Why?  Because Peta folks are self righteous and elitest loons.

How do I know this?  Because I’m pretty sure that the next member of Peta that is diagnosed with cancer of the whatever won’t refuse the chemo and radiation treatments we use to cure the disease.  Those cures were tested and "perfected" on animals.

The same thing goes for the next fat Peta fucker that needs a bypass.  They didn’t test that shit on hobos and lepers (although that may be an awesome idea).  They tested those methods on animals. The same goes for doing stitches, organ transplants, vaccines, etc.

There is a responsibility that comes with being at the top of the food chain, being able to talk and having opposable thumbs.  But there is also the need to understand that you can’t have it both ways.

Like the bible thumpers that cling to their interpretation of a few passages in the bible while ignoring the rest, it does no good to throw fake blood at someone in a fur coat but then accept the vaccination your kid gets to keep them from dying of Meningitis or some other hideous disease.

So unless you Peta-ers are willing to sign some waiver that says "I accept everything that happens to me as a result of my refusal of all things that have ever involved the harming of any living creature past or present and this decision precludes me from basically all medical care and 90 percent of the food I need to survive," then please do me a favor and shut the fuck up.

Today on the interweb there is a story about a politician .  Here’s the story in a nutshell:

Man runs for Senate seat.  Has campaign staff in his employ.

Man wins Senate seat.

Sometime in the past year, said politician knocked boots with a member of his campaign staff.  (I’m assuming he used his campaign staff if you know what I mean.  Heyooooooh!)

Story gets made public.

Politician THEN apologizes AFTER he has been outed for it by saying:

"Last year I had an affair. I violated the vows of my marriage," Ensign said. "It is the worst thing I have ever done in my life. If there was ever anything in my life that I could take back, this would be it."

No fucking shit?  Really?  You got caught fucking an employee behind your wife’s back, and you’d like to take it back?

No.  What you’d like to take back is getting caught fucking your employee.  You don’t want to take back fucking your employee.  That went swimmingly well I assume.

Needless to say I’m no longer shocked when these narcissistic pricks inevitably get caught doing this shit.  I literally don’t think they can help it.

But what they CAN help doing is running the old "Extortion" flag up the pole.

(In my best blow-hard politician voice)

"Hey everybody.  Let’s not spend too much time focusing on the fact that I have such an overwhelming character flaw and weak spine that I cheated on and lied to the one person I shouldn’t:  my spouse.  Let’s focus on the fact that someone told me that they would tell the world about my cheating if I didn’t pay them.  THEY are the real criminals here."

This is literally no different than when a man cheats on a woman and that woman is mad at the person the man cheated with, not the cheater himself.  It fucking infuriates me that this continues to go on.  You can go back thousands of years, but we can start with the tear-stained, televised "apologies" of Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, Gary Hart, Gary Condit, a not so teary but very literal Bill Clinton, and on and on and on.

If you want out, say it, get out, and THEN kick it with your old gym teacher / neighbor / bar whore / whomever.  Just don’t ask for our pity or for us to wag our finger at some other person for publicizing your ass-hattery.

Edit to add:  Dammit.  I really should have read the rest of the article.

It turns out that this dickhead was one of the loudest voices trying to make Larry Craig quit after Craig tried playing peepee-footsie at the Minneapolis airport.

Oh, and he’s a member of the Promise Keepers Ministry.  If you wanna get mad this morning, go check those shit-heads out.  But make sure your wife is at home darning socks and chopping firewood first.

No, not actually FEELING ReTodded. Just stupid.

I took a Lortab last night because Frankentoe was pissing me off quite a bit, and I put the bottle away.

Only I don’t know where it is.

Seriously.

I’ve looked top to bottom in every cabinet in the kitchen. I looked in my bathroom in every drawer and cabinet. I looked in the couches, end tables, the basement, my car, my backpack and even my super secret hiding places.

And before Avitable asks, I also looked in my ass. I found a gerbil skeleton wrapped loosely in duct tape, some car keys, a map of Belize, the Bose in-ear headphones I lost a year ago, my old student ID card and a still-sealed pack of Orville Redenbacher Movie Theater butter flavored popcorn.

But no Lortab.

I’m at a loss. Where do YOU think my Lortab is?