Author Archive for Functionally ReTodded

06
Jul

Look who can keep a secret!

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment
Categories: Blog and Functionally ReTodded

In a surprise to everyone except the few people that she told, GBD’s friend from New England showed up last night as a total surprise and without a hitch.

You see, last week while the wife was in the hospital, her friend Connie (not her real name but fine for the purposes of this story) called to see if she could come visit, and we worked out a good time with a reasonably non-outrageous fare and went about deceiving the woman I love.

And the best part is  that Connie and I are clearly not reputed to be good secret keepers, so we struggled to contain our giddiness and the integrity of the secret.  As a matter of fact, anytime Connie and I were G-chatting and GBD would come online to talk to either one of us, we immediately hung up on one another to avoid accidentally typing in the wrong window and blowing the whole thing.

Fast forward to yesterday, and Connie’s texting me non-stop as that’s the only way I wouldn’t get caught since my wife knows that my Blackberry goes off non-stop in the evening time.

Connie updated me upon landing, waiting for the rental car van, getting the car, and then by estimated time remaining every ten minutes or so.

With about ten to go, I decided to go sit on the bed of my truck and read and wait for her under the guise of a nice and bug-free night with a cold beer and the latest Grisham novel.

About five minutes later, GBD came out asking “Is everything okay?  Are you alright?”

I assured her that I was, and went to cleaning up the remnants from the Fourth of July extravaganza that occurred in my driveway Thursday night.

As I cleaned and she cleaned, a car slowly pulled to the curb in front of our house, causing GBD to say “Who the hell is that?”, when a woman stepped out of the car and said “I think I’m lost,” and it was Connie.

I have surprised GBD several times in my life where I knew she was generally shocked and surprised.  This was one of those times.  Watching her try to process why her friend New England that she had undoubtedly talked to online earlier in the day was now in her driveway was priceles.

And tonight we’re going out to dinner and drinks, which will rock.

Hooray for surprises.  Now maybe they can surprise me by making out and letting me watch or maybe washing my car in bikinis.

04
Jul

Oh the humanity!!

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment
Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded and Video Games

I just had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life.  After months of acting weird and just being downright ornery and obstinate, I had no other choice but to put my X-Box 360 in the Microsoft-provided container and ship it back to them.

Actually, I had to ship it to Plano, Texas or some such hell hole.  But the point is that it is no longer here for me.

I got the hallowed gaming system on Christmas Eve morning and after about two months, it started having difficulty playing some of my games.  Then it got worse and worse, to the point that I could not play a single rented or newly purchased X-Box 360 title.

It also took about eleventy jillion calls to Microsoft’s crack support staff who, among other things:

Blamed me for not following the instructions.

Blamed me for putting it on its side or installing it properly

Blamed me for moving the console while there was a disc inside and turning

Blamed me for using it wrong

Now, I am a lot of things.  But a fucking retard when it comes to video games I am not.  I became a bit crabby and they finally agreed that 91 days was in fact inside of the manufacturer’s one year warranty.

So they sent me a box with a pre-paid 3-day shipping label inside and after having the return box for a month (roughly the time it will actually take them to fix or replace the console) I finally boxed it up, followed the return instructions and will send it on its way tomorrow.

And now I’m sad.  I put 2Doh down for a nap just now, and wandered into my office and actually picked up the controller to play some X-Box live Texas Hold ‘em, only to see the empty hole where the console should be.

Some would say that the timing is good, as it will leave me more time to spend with my ever-expanding family.

I say hogwash.  That game system has gotten me thru a LOT of tough times and it will get me thru more as long as the people that work for Bill Gates get it back to me in working order and in a timely fashion.

So for now, it’s gonna be blog fixing or playing X-Box at Superios’ house.

I think I’m voting for the latter.

03
Jul

Letters I wish I could send

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments
Categories: Blog, Functionally ReTodded and Rant

Dear neighbor:

I know you are excited about the fourth of July. It’s the anniversary of our nation and a proud day amongst our people.

But for love of all that is holy, what the fuck does July 3rd have to do with fireworks? It’s not like it’s the weekend and you’re substituting this day for the 4th on Monday or something.

I’ve never understood this. Whether I was 7 or 37, the fourth of July was the fourth of July, Christmas was Christmas and New Years was New Years and Halloween was Halloween. Who had the anal fissure of an idea to just randomly decide “Hey honey, Halloween is on a Tuesday this week, so fuck the neighbors…let’s trick or treat on the 28th. You know, so we’re not inconvenience by a school night or two foot dildo night at the Love Shack.”

As I type this, some fucktard has a 30 minute fireworks session going down the street, and I can’t help but ask myself “Is he retarded? Is it possible that he set his watch forward too far when adjusting the date, and he just THINKS it’s the fourth and not the third?”

But no. I have every confidence that it’s just some dumb fucker who bought more fireworks than he needed tomorrow night, drank a trunkful of beer and said “Hey Earl, you wanna fire some uh them bitches off?”

03
Jul

Whose birthday is it?

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

Good morning, bitches.  It’s great to be here today. 

Let me start off by saying how astounded I am that 3 ½ hours of sleep for the second night in a row is literally no big deal, thanks to my good friend, coffee.  Where the fuck was this stuff when we brought 1doh home and I was praying for a quick death?

 

Anyway, today is my birthday.  I’m 39 years old.  I know you all probably thought that I was somewhere between 14 (based on my level of maturity) and 25 (based on my awesome physique and physical prowess).  But I am, in fact, 39 years old. 

 

Am I freaked out by that like some folks?  Of course not.  Who gives a shit how old you are.  Anyone that bitches about getting old gets the same answer from me:

 

It beats the alternative. 

 

That said, I’ve never been a resolution maker or a “Now that I’m X years old I’m gonna change everything and be a better person” kind of a guy.

 

Until now.

 

Starting July 5th, I’m back on the workout schedule, eating right the entire week (with a rib eye and a bad weekend breakfast notwithstanding), and getting back to doing what I should be doing. 

 

I’m not making any grand predictions or promises.  I’m just telling you I am happier when I’m working out and eating better, so I want to do that more often.

 

As for my birthday, well, as many of you well know, I believe that my birthday is the number one most important day of the year. 

 

And don’t confuse that sentence.  I don’t think everybody’s birthday is the most important day of the year.  Just mine. 

 

Now, does that mean I want pony rides and clowns and shit?  Of course not.  I’m too big to ride a pony and clowns scare the shit out of me.  I just think that my birthday is a big deal and should be treated as such. 

 

To that end, I’ve decided to make a list of changes I’d like to see that would greatly improve how much I enjoy my birthday.

 

1)      When you come over, just bring beer.  It’s easier, and when you don’t drink it all I can build up a healthy reserve.

2)      Cash is king, although I’m a total sucker for electronics (i.e. a photo iPod).

3)      Never use the word “ME” in a sentence when speaking with the birthday boy.  Remember, it’s all about ME, not you.

4)      I shouldn’t have to make decisions, other than what I want to watch on television, how much Xbox I want to play, and when to start drinking beer.  Beyond that, you know what I like.  I like browns and tans and fats for meals.  I like sports on television, I like my drinks carbonated and hoppy and in aluminum cans or brown bottles, and I like my steaks medium rare.  Is that so difficult?

5)      Never ever ever ask me to do yard work or any other honey do project on my birthday.  You know I hate that stuff already.  Why fuck with an awesome day? 

6)      Don’t ask, “Are you enjoying your birthday?”  If you have to ask, you haven’t done enough to ensure that the answer to that question is yes.  If the thought of asking this question pops into your head, immediately run to Wal-Mart and buy me something cool.

7)      I don’t want to drive.  Anywhere.  It’s my constitutional right to be a passenger on my birthday.

8)       If we do go somewhere, have the “So…who’s gonna be the sober driver?” think figured out before we leave.  I can’t stand hearing everyone argue.  Remember, this day is all about me.

9)      Don’t assume I’m available.  Plan weeks in advance, for my time is precious and limited.

10)  Whatever you do, always start every sentence with “Is this going to make Todd’s birthday better for him?”

 

If you follow these rules, you should find that my birthday will be much more enjoyable for me and for you as well.

 

Well?  What are you waiting for?  Get out and buy me something, jackass!!!

28
Jun

Why did they even bother?

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments
Categories: Pop Culture

So last night, the world’s most famous talentless whore, Paris Hilton, was on Larry King Live.

Nevermind that Larry is now suffering from accute Alzheimer’s or late stage dementia based on his asking her if she had taken ADT.

What the octogenerial pervert obviously MEANT to say is “Do you HAVE ADD?”

You don’t take ADD. You take meds to treat ADD. And you don’t take OR have ADT. They are a home alarm monitoring system, so you would SUBSCRIBE to ADT. Dumb fucker.

Anyway, the show was highlighted by two statements from not nearly so young anymore to be acting so retarded Paris Hilton.

The first, where she claimed that she’s never done drugs.

Really. She actually said that.

Larry King: “Have you ever done drugs?”

PH: No.

Really Paris. Fuck, I’VE seen you do drugs. The only pictures on the internet that are more widely spread than you blowing a guy is you smoking pot, taking shrooms, etc.

Secondly was this quote, which might be the new tag line for Functionally ReTodded Dot Com:

“Don’t serve the time; let the time serve you.”

Jesus Christ. This girl made it sound like she was on Riker’s Island in the 70’s or the island where Papillion stayed.

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