Functionally ReTodded

As you all may or may not know, I like food.

(I shall now pause while you pick yourself AND your jaws off the floor).

I like all kinds of food.  Barring 92.7% of the world’s vegetables, I love all kinds of foods.  But my favorite favorite favorite foods are breakfast foods and specifically, fast food breakfast foods.

I love biscuits, gravy, hash browns, egg mcmuffins, chicken biscuits, sausage biscuits, etc.  If you combine poultry or pork with a cheese / egg / gravy combination and throw a fried potato item in too, you’ve got me.  Further, I am not capable of limiting my order when I get to the window / speaker / clown’s mouth.  I always order too much.

So you can only imagine how excited I’ve been these last months where every fast food joint except one (EFF EWE Chick Fil A) has a dollar menu.  I pull up, dig thru the console of my truck (or one of the kids’ piggy banks) and order a couple of items.  It’s cheap, it’s cheesy and it’s breakfasty.  YAY!

The other thing fast food joints have done is start marketing two-fers.  Much like FM radio stations in the 80’s had "Twofer Tuesdays," the fast food places now have them too.  Like Hardee’s has the "2 Sausage and egg biscuits for $2.22" and Mcdonald’s has the "2 Egg McMuffins for $2.50" or "2 Sausage McMuffins for $2.50" deals.  I’m incapable of driving by, especially if I’ve stolen helped my self to some change out of that bowl on top of the dryer.

But last week, the McDonald’s near me stopped the "2  for $2.50" thing and started a "sausage mcmuffin meal for $2.49" thing.  That’s also a winner for me since the bucket of unsweet tea is a buck and I get my caffeine and a cup to use for the day to boot.

So I pull up to the window and, as always, confirm the special.  I say "Do you still have the sausage mcmuffin meal for $2.49 available?"

After a brief pause, I got a barely awake "Ummm…I don’t know."

Me:  Silence, then "Can you ask?"

Mensa Member:  "Um…I’m not sure."

Now, it’s not like I asked if I could get soy milk or if the meal was kosher.  I asked him to confirm the ONE GOD DAMNED BREAKFAST SPECIAL THAT HIS STORE WAS CURRENTLY ADVERTISING!!!"

So I shrug, say fine, and order the number one (egg mcmuffin, hash brown and drink) with an unsweet tea and he replies "what size drink?"

Jesus.  The picture on the menu says WITH A LARGE TEA! I didn’t say SuperSize.  I literally ordered the number one.  I’m sure the cash register button for that meal is just a big fucking number one.  Leave it for Carmelita at the pick up door to work out the drink math, jackass.  Just push the button to the left of the backwards letter S (a.k.a. the fucking two) and let’s move on with it.

I pulled up to the window, was greeted by one of non-credited cast members from near the end of the movie "Awakenings," and paid the not correct price for my advertised meal he couldn’t find out about and moved ahead, because I was late.

I got my drink (lifted the lid and tested it because I don’t trust Mr. Lipton himself to get my fucking tea order correct), took my bag o’ food and left.

As I got on the highway (while talking on the phone, texting and doing my makeup) I reached into the bag for my hashbrown, which ALWAYS gets eaten first.  Potato products are on life support once you hit a public thoroughfare.

Wait a minute.  Where’s the hashbrown?  Isn’t it in here?

I look in, and there are two sandwhiches.  And no hash browns.

And the sandwiches are BOTH sausage mcmuffins, neither of which come with the god damned number one that I ordered based on the fucking picture on the menu for retards!!

To sum up, Instead of the special I wanted (sausage mcmuffin, hash brown, large unsweet tea) or the number one that I ordered (egg mcmuffin, hash browns, large unsweet tea), I got a large unsweet tea and two dollar menu items for about $4.70 that, if I’d just ordered a la cart, would have been three fucking dollars and eighteen god damned cents!!

AND I DIDN’T GET MY HASH BROWN!!

So the next time someone bitches about why they are working at McDonald’s or, more likely, bitching about how they’re unemployed (and thus NOT working at McDonald’s), the answer is simple.

You.  Are.  A.  Complete.  Idiot.

The fact is, if your day finds you punching pictures on a cash register while wearing an over-sized headset and a hair net, you don’t have a job.  You are in daycare or prison.

Enjoy your snack time and sippy cup and try not to shit yourself, you geniuses.