Functionally ReTodded

I wrote about the early stages of the Tiger Woods drama during the first few days.  That is to say AFTER we knew he was lying about the events of that evening but BEFORE we found out that there was a string of women he was allegedly sleeping with for years and years that were not as attractive as his wife.

Now, having said that, here’s what we know.

We know that we never knew Tiger Woods at all.  Tiger was a persona crafted by his late father, honed by a huge team of people and sadly, at the time he needed their expertise the most, failed by them.

That is not to excuse Tiger Woods.  What he did is ethically and personally reprehensible.  What appears to be a long running pattern of infidelity finally caught up with him, and I’m glad it did.

This is where my road veers a little off the common path.

Every network is bringing on media consultants, therapists and other "specialists" who are giving their advice to Tiger.  So far it’s been said that he should:

Go on Oprah (with his wife) and apologize to everyone.
Give a big gushing apology interview to the media.
Come clean about the details.
Go into rehab for sex addiction.

Fuck all of that.

For every one of us that slow down, crane our necks and read the tabloid headlines (myself included), screw you.  Not including Mrs. Woods, Tiger Woods doesn’t owe you, me or anyone else shit.  He doesn’t owe you a long, drawn out, tear filled apology about how he’s let down the kids, his sponsors, the PGA Tour, his peers, his parents, his God, or anyone else.

What he owes is owed to his wife and children only.  And that is to be honest about what happened, address why it happened, figure out if she can forgive him or if she even wants to forgive him, decide if they’ll both be able to go forward as husband and wife or whether they will be unable to fix the damage, in which case they need to work out the details of a divorce that works best for them and their children as they see it.

Period.  No more.  No less.

You can judge him all you want.  You can say he’s let you down or the public down or his fans down or whatever.

I was listening to Dan Le Batard yesterday and he said that more than anything, he’d like to see Tiger at a table in front of the media come out and say "I’m profoundly sorry for the mistakes I’ve made for my family, but kiss my _ _ _ _ ass.  You guys don’t belong in my life this way.  These are my mistakes.  I am really sorry to the people that I have harmed.  Those people are not YOU.  Those people live in my home."

What I want is to see Tiger Woods continue to play at a level far above the plane on which the rest of the tour players operate.  That’s it.  Beyond that, I wish he and his family well.

One thing I do know.  I am NOT Tiger Woods.

Dateline:  November 3rd, 2009
Location:  My basement
time:  10pm EST

I watched the two hour premier of Jersey Shore.  Two words, people.  Hell to the yeah!!!

It was more than I could have possibly hoped.  It had everything from drunken underage girls that referred to themselves as "guidettes" to guys that literally never put on a shirt and another guy that walks around clubs just pulling up his shirt to show off his abs.

Think about that.  This Guido who refers to himself as "The Situation," wanders around with a beer in one hand and the front of his t-shirt in the other just waiting to walk up to some hottie and lift his shirt up tit high to show off his rock hard abs.

(Before you say anything, yes, I’m jealous. Who wouldn’t be?  At my physical fitness peak in high school I was 160 pounds and was doing 500 sit-ups and push-ups a day and running four to six miles a day, and I STILL had the poochy gut.  That gut has since given birth to the behemoth I carry today, but I digress…)

The show started with a little montage about each person as they left their Italian-centric lives in various suburbs in New York and headed "for the shore."  I’ll give you a brief description of each person without going to the trouble of getting their pictures for you.  But I will care enough to put a link

(A note:  Except for Angelina, each person was obviously told that they had to have a nickname, so when they flashed the person’s name on the screen, there would be some woppy nickname to go with it.  No idea why, but this led to the first bit of comedy).

Angelina :  meh.  She’s about a 6.  But her quote in the intro was "I’m hot and I know it."  No.  Not at all.  If you asked me to give you 100 words describing her, I’d never get to "hot."  She’s a non-factor in my opinion.  But she did have this to add when discussing her job for the month working at a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk.  "I feel like this job is beneath me.  I’m a bartender.  I do, you know, great things."  Super.

Jenni "J-WOWW" :  Whore.  Period.  Her profile says she’s impulsive and spontaneous, but if you have a dragon tat up the side of your torso and you wear one of those belly chains and have the brown hair with skunk white striped dyed into it and put makeup on your tits, you’re a whore.  She has a boyfriend but openly says that doesn’t matter.  Awesome.

Mike "The Situation:" This is the ass-hat that literally walks around in public with his shirt pulled up in the front showing off his abs.  I don’t recall him displaying his 72 IQ quite as often.

Nicole "Snooki": This girl is the winner.  Of being awful.  She should be killed.  If there were time machines, I’d go back and demand that her mom just give her dad a hand shandy instead of making this girl.  I will throw a picture here:

I couldn’t figure out what was with this pic until I realize the girl on the left had her legs spread 90 degrees AND buried in the sand.  Conclusion:  That’s as closed as her legs will be this entire season.  Conclusion number two:  Snooki is the worst thing ever.  effectively a fat midget that uses Christina Aguilera as a baseline for the minimum amount of makeup that you should wear.

Snooki is that pushy, mouthy short chick who is delusional about how hot she is(n’t).  She showed up, started power drinking, put her tongue on every guy at the house and then cried and passed out, later calling daddy to say she wanted to come home.  I am surprised daddy hadn’t already changed the number.

Then later in the episode she brought some guy home that was smashed, and while she was hoping to seduce him on the roof, he passed out cold.  She woke him up with intentions of romance, and he barfed.

It was awesome.

Pauly "DJ Pauly D": This is the dickweed that has his name in HUGE letters on his back, along with tribal tats and the word Cadillac on his side.  He packed for a month at the beach with (no exaggerating here) about 15-20 containers of hair gel.  He is some two-bit club DJ and he wears those big white sunglasses that men should never wear.  He does his hair twice a day and it takes 25 minutes each time.  The second he opens his cake-hole you want to punch him in the cock.

Ronnie: Huge into weightlifting.  And not wearing shirts.  Ever.  It’s annoying after a while.  And he has a fauxhawk.  He seems pretty harmless, but the constant shirtlessness is distracting.  (And possibly a little arousing).

Sammi "Sweetheart": Belly button dangly jewelry and every outfit showing off her bras seems good, but it doesn’t work for her.  I don’t understand how someone can not pull off the trashy whore look, but it’s sad on this girl.  She’ll be in a hair pulling fight by the end of the summer, guaranteed.

Vinny :  The youngest of the group, he’s 21 and his mom still cuts his food.  Literally cuts his food.  I’m guessing he’ll be the one that gets laid and cries afterward.  Like I do.

I didn’t know that this was going to be like The Real World where these dolts had to get jobs while they were there, and I think that is great.  It’s gonna add a whole other layer to the show’s awesomeness.

Stay tuned America.  This show’s gonna be BlOwInG uP tHe InTeRwEbS, Yo!