Functionally ReTodded

Oh my sweet dear friend.  I met you, lost you too soon, waited, and then you came back to me. 

I love you.

Our future is limitless.

You know how everyone (or some high people) claim you can watch The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd’s "Dark Side of The Moon" and it is "totally in sync and awesome?

Well, I always thought that was stupid and fake, but this entry isn’t.

Please set your DVR to tape this week’s Intervention on A&E starring Gloria .

Once you have that, open this blog entry and read it as it goes.  You’ll figure out the pacing.  It’s fabulous.

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Lindsey Lohan:I’m gonna watch chemo intervention because I saw a glimmer of humor in the preview. Drunk-ass chemo mom saying "this is ME". Hopefully the chemo is in the past and the drunken whoreness is in the episode.

Robert Downey Jr.: YES!!

Lindsey Lohan:You have to keep hope alive. It won’t be Sebastian and Marcel, but drunken alki-ho will do in a pinch.

Robert Downey Jr.: it’s a little methadone…

Lindsey Lohan: Exactly.

I’m extremely distressed that only Hoss commented on my epic poem. Your blog followers suck. Or they thought you wrote it yourself.

Robert Downey, Jr.: both of those things have chances of being true.

Lindsey Lohan: But it was epic (at least to me). And it rhymed. Sort of.

Robert Downey, Jr.: it was perfect honey.

Lindsey Lohan: Cue credits. HELLO GLORIA!

Robert Downey, Jr.: i just turned it on. eyeroll. many many many eyerolls.

Lindsey Lohan: If Jeff asks me to be in a "documentary about addiction", I’m running the other way. And if the chemo is in her past, we’re totally in.

Robert Downey, Jr.: i think it will be. and getting to make black jokes will make this awesome.

Lindsey Lohan: Ohhh. Taser. Go Baby!

Robert Downey, Jr.: any chance she tasers her mom?

Lindsey Lohan: Oh, shit. I’m already dying. "YES! I’m an alcoholic!"

Robert Downey, Jr.: hell to the yeah, bitches! as long as I wait til noon, I’m not an alky.

who drinks at 8am?

Lindsey Lohan: THIRTY YEARS! HEALL YEAH! New role model.

Robert Downey, Jr.: pause. i’m 10 seconds behind

Lindsey Lohan: Why are we not watching this together! She looks pretty good for 30 years into alcoholism.

Robert Downey, Jr.: so do you. lol

Lindsey Lohan: I’m only 25 years in.

Robert Downey, Jr.: she buys her own liquor? you ain’t workin’ if you’re drinkin at 8am. i love my coffee irish. she’s my hero.

Lindsey Lohan: I’m loving this episode. “Summer’s comin’ up. Gotta have a cold beer.”

Alcoholic Coma? Yes, please. Summer’s comin’ up.

Robert Downey, Jr.: GBD wants me upstairs, but i told her she was behind and to hustle ass down here.

Lindsey Lohan: COME ON GBD! We’re waiting!

Robert Downey, Jr.: please save this chat. this’ll be awesome. yep. all the cool kids were in the band. i was bad as hell. awesome!

Lindsey Lohan: Jesus, Boomer’s licking his nuts (what’s left of them) right in front of the TV. MOVE, you nasty beast.

Robert Downey, Jr.: we’re gonna be tagged racists, but this is funny.

Lindsey Lohan: She was pregnant while she was still a virgin? What’s wrong with this picture?

Robert Downey, Jr.: i don’t recall anyone drinking during the monologue portion of this show. Ever.

Lindsey Lohan: Besides us.

Robert Downey, Jr.: that’s how i’ll die. drunk and fall and hit my head.

Lindsey Lohan: Gloria has the best fucked up alki logic of anyone I’ve ever seen.

It’s never too much.

Robert Downey, Jr.: you know she drank thru the pregnancy of both.

Lindsey Lohan: I’m crying. This is some good shit. "first man who ever tricked me"?

Robert Downey, Jr.: sweet christ, this baby replaced the other.

Lindsey Lohan: Oh, girl. Just wait. The world is full of them. “Oh no. She knows she didn’t".

Robert Downey, Jr.: well, the other man asked if he could play hide the penis.

Lindsey Lohan: Please. Just stop.

Robert Downey, Jr.: yep. yes i did raise renee.

Lindsey Lohan: Ohhhh. I used to LOVE hide the penis. Then I got married.

Robert Downey, Jr.: now i play hide the penis alone. LOL

Lindsey Lohan: Not like the other kids? Oh, shit. I’m dying. So do I. You get married, and all sex is solo. Sigh. I swear I’d do it with Jeff, but *where is he*? Crazy as hell? Always had a black eye? Oh….yeah. Intervention. You haven’t lived til you been pushed out the car on the freeway.

Robert Downey, Jr.: this might get close to marcel and sebastian, mostly because we’re gonna get some neck swivelling and "no you dih-unt."

Lindsey Lohan: Alcohol = safety net. Ummm….yeah. I can’t take it. I’m dying. The dogs are whining I’m laughing so hard.

Robert Downey, Jr.: she didn’t raise either kid but "did the best she can? OMG.

Lindsey Lohan: "He was just too crazy". Riiiigghhhttt. Oh. No. Here comes cancer.

Robert Downey, Jr.: both eyes are black. she’s black. wtf?

Lindsey Lohan: P.S. If I had cancer I would go to chemo and then go to the bar. I’m just sayin’.

Robert Downey, Jr.: oh look. an unemployed black woman alcoholic that isn’t wearing a bra.

Lindsey Lohan: She looks better than her straight-ass cop daughter. Again…just sayin’.

Downey, Jr.: perfect. I have a HUGE safety net. is that him on the left?

Lindsey Lohan: Who says sobriety leads to true happiness? I’d like to meet that person and kick them in the nuts.

Robert Downey, Jr.: wtf? she married bootsie collins? Lol. there’s no life if you don’t drink 20 hours a day, get beat up, don’t raise your kids.

Lindsey Lohan: That was my goal, but I never got pregnant. Dammit. At least I can use my uterus for other things. Smuggling heroin, brewing tea, baking browies. Whatever.

Robert Downey, Jr.: jesus. wrong order.

Lindsey Lohan: Commercial???? everyone pee and refill!!!! Jeff bought me 20 oz wine glasses. God, I love that man.

Robert Downey, Jr.: I’s scared. past tense. wait a minute. is this like marcel’s dad and his boys getting cancer? me too. i’m not judging. other than a fist and the freeway, that is. smoking like a choo choo fucking train. i’m gonna have to pause to comment. god dammit. stop your dumbness. when she is proving that beatings, cancer and beer make you who you are. nope. nope. cooking is my therapy

Lindsey Lohan: May be Marcel & Sebastian’s Dad was on to something. May be they all have cancer!

Robert Downey, Jr.: plus, she can take a punch. that counts for something. make my coffee irish, bitch. can i please have some warmed up can peaches with ashes in them you fucking loon?

Lindsey Lohan: What the fuck were those peaches? Don’t serve me that crap. From a CAN! She can definitely take a punch. Apparently that’s a desirable quality in a drunk-ass ho. Or so I’ve heard.

Robert Downey, Jr.: i have to get a beer. do the 20oz glasses have handles on each side? so do WE have cancer? and how the fuck do you bold stuff?

i’m in IT and I can’t figure it out.

they were canned shitty delmonte peaches. If you’re a "caterer," I don’t want 33 cent peaches. and by the way, that was the greatest commercial ever.

hey, would taking online surveys be a btter job than glorified secretary?

Robert Downey, Jr.: it really is awesome. you know it’s a cultural thing? holy fuck this is the best ever!

Lindsey Lohan: Dude. I make a shitload of money as a glorified secretary (all things considered). I’m staying!

Robert Downey, Jr.: just checking…

Lindsey Lohan: Black & grey dreadlocks. HIGH FIVE!

Robert Downey, Jr.: that woman has shedded gray snake skins in her head.

Lindsey Lohan: Was that just "drunk in the trunk"

Robert Downey, Jr.: and that looked like boomer humping something…

Lindsey Lohan: I meant "JUNK in the drunk". I’m the drunk in the trunk. Great Danes have needs.

Robert Downey, Jr.: not yet you’re not…

Lindsey Lohan: No wait. I meant "Junk in the Trunk". Jesus. I may be wasted. Just sayin.

Robert Downey, Jr.: except you don’t raise them. LOL.

Lindsey Lohan: I’m still raising myself. Badly.

Robert Downey, Jr.: this is so awesome.

Lindsey Lohan: "supporting her situation" WHAT? I need $200.

Robert Downey, Jr.: her situation of needing money to get drunk and staying home and not working.

Lindsey Lohan: Be my friend.

Robert Downey, Jr.: me too. get her fucking number. oh. my. god.

Lindsey Lohan: "That’s MY favorite niece"

Robert Downey, Jr.: right there. the one i’m poking in the tit.

Lindsey Lohan: Disrespected because she’s drunk? Ummmm. Yes. Don’t want her to be embarrassed?

Robert Downey, Jr.: oh yes. she’s pridefull.

Lindsey Lohan: I’m changing families. These are my new peeps. I’m black and I’m proud.

Robert Downey, Jr.: yep. plus you get warm canned peaches. here it is.

Lindsey Lohan: YUMMY! I love ‘em warm and canned. Just like mother made.

Robert Downey, Jr.: hell to the yeah! oh no you dih unt!!

Lindsey Lohan: "I just got slapped like a month ago" Well, you probably deserved it. I feel emotionally abandoned by all these people.

Robert Downey, Jr.: me too. I wanna move in with the niece.

Lindsey Lohan: "I’m gonna hit you back"…"I’ll slap you right here"

Robert Downey, Jr.: O h hell to the yes. this woman would own marcel and sebstian. PEE!!

Lindsey Lohan: Please, God. Don’t accept the intervention. You’re ALLLLL-RIGHT i m book. No peeing for me. I’m still dehydrated from yesterday.

Robert Downey, Jr.: LOL. by the way, I think chris angel just made my penis levitate. no. wait a minute. That was alyssa milano. never mind.

Lindsey Lohan: Still pissed that everyone doesn’t love my Ode to FRT. You need to upgrade your readers.

Robert Downey, Jr.: i agree. but all my friends and readers are either retarded or family.

Lindsey Lohan: Or me or Hoss. Dammit.

Robert Downey, Jr.: well, which one of you wants to be family? Btw, are we gonna chat hoarders too?

Lindsey Lohan: Valerie Bertonneli. I think not. Jenny Craig is a bitch, and she must die. These commercials blow. Where’s Molly? We need a third wit. Or at least one good one.

Robert Downey, Jr.: valerie bertinelli has given me boners for 3 decades. God bless her. she’s on her way.

Lindsey Lohan: B-I-T-C-H. Couldn’t she just stay fat like the other child stars?

Robert Downey, Jr.: jesus her intervention is gonna be awesome.

Lindsey Lohan: Nuclear. Nucular. It’s all the same.

Robert Downey, Jr.: is there any chance this woman makes it thru rehab?

Lindsey Lohan: Nice arm tatt.

Robert Downey, Jr.: you can only say New-cue-lur if you’re a Bush. what’s with the titty tats and no bras?

Lindsey Lohan: jesus. That girl could bench press..you. And me. Camo. It’s not just for sexually ambiguous men.

Robert Downey, Jr.: do you realize we’re typing faster than facebook? camo is how you hide drunk?

Lindsey Lohan: Always. This shit is just too good.

Robert Downey, Jr.: “ I think I was there for you?” really?

Lindsey Lohan: "I wasn’t a mother". NO SHIT.

Robert Downey, Jr.: "I wasn’t a mother?" THEY LIVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!

Lindsey Lohan: Thank God they breezed over cancer. It was a mood killer. OK - now we’re writing the same shit at the same time.

Robert Downey, Jr.: yeah, that was like the opposite of a sorbet.

Lindsey Lohan: "I was so young, and so wild". Well, so was I, but I was pretty clear on birth control. Still lovin’ the grey dreads.

Robert Downey, Jr.: thank god this show is so fucked up that cancer is a "whatever" thing. And me too.

Lindsey Lohan: This one’s a nice change from "Daddy didn’t love me’. "This is just me…and that’s the bottom line". NICE!

Robert Downey, Jr.: did any of them know their daddys?

Lindsey Lohan: What’s a Daddy? Do you mean sperm donor?

Robert Downey, Jr.: she doesn’t even make a liquor face when she drinks liquor. jesus. then again, it’s about to be summer.

Lindsey Lohan: Here we go!!

Robert Downey, Jr.: i drink every day in the summer. she was a cancer passenger.

Lindsey Lohan: Oh, shit. They got the bitch-terventionist. HELL YEAH! This woman has been rode hard…and put away wet. And now she’s gonna send you to rehap.

Rehap is like rehab. Only harder.

Robert Downey, Jr.: yep, candy aint takin no shit.

Lindsey Lohan: Go Candy Go Candy Go Candy GO!

Robert Downey, Jr.: just wait until the head starts waggin along with the finger.

Lindsey Lohan: ..Oh No You Did-N-T.

Robert Downey, Jr.: oh i do!

Lindsey Lohan: No disrespect? WHAT?

Robert Downey, Jr.: "I said with all due respect." ~ricky bobby.

Lindsey Lohan: Jesus. Black Women Intervention. If I die tonight…I’ll be fulfilled. I hope there’s some snapping. And slapping. Shit. I’m getting drunk.

Robert Downey, Jr.: there is not one chance in hell she makes it thru and and doesn’t relapse. none.

Lindsey Lohan: J eff should be home to monitor my alcohol consumption.

Robert Downey, Jr.: what if someone pulls an extension out?

Lindsey Lohan: She won’t even go. Oh, those extensions don’t stand a chance. We need to plan some AU football parties. For drinking, of course.

Robert Downey, Jr.: so are we doing hoarders too? GBD is very excited you’re here. virtually.

Lindsey Lohan: Depends on the hoarder.

Robert Downey, Jr.: she doesn’ want to see boomer licking his balls.

Lindsey Lohan: It’s not the seeing, as much as the HEARING. He has a big tongue. It’s nasty.

Robert Downey, Jr.: oh right. the ball slapping must be horriific.

Lindsey Lohan: And he doesn’t have much ball action left. But he was neutered late in life. Like most men.

Robert Downey, Jr.: does boomer like peanut butter? And car rides?

Lindsey Lohan: And cheese.

Robert Downey, Jr.: GBD’s just making conversation.

Lindsey Lohan: GBD- I’m just using Robert Downey, Jr.: to get close to you.

SHOW! Here we go.

Robert Downey, Jr.: employer? You mean the catering magnate?

Lindsey Lohan: Gloria’s BOSS is there? That’s low. My boss loves it that I’m a booze hound.

Robert Downey, Jr.: it’s like she’s looking for a snake.

Lindsey Lohan: In dreadlock girl’s hair. Just get your skanky alki-ass in there. Come on now. Pick her up if you have to.

Robert Downey, Jr.: smoke came out of her nose. Like a bull.

Lindsey Lohan: My name is Candy, and I’m white.

Robert Downey, Jr.: I just coughed up a lung.

Lindsey Lohan: Angry black woman makes you nervous?

Robert Downey, Jr.: we don’t have a bus !

Lindsey Lohan: Your family loves you, and as a white interventionist I’m terrified. Sure, I’ll listen. Is the bar open?

Robert Downey, Jr.: GBD just said "I need a scotch up in this hizzle."

Lindsey Lohan: Johnnie Walker Black? I have plent. Plent. is more than plenty.

Robert Downey, Jr.: really? We don’t have a bus? does this woman think she’s rosa parks?" don’t worry honey. i know your drunk type.

bus? Are there even buses anymore?

buses to rehab?

does she not know about airplanes?

did she blackout in 1931?

candy should tell her that she doesn’t have to stand in the back of the plane on the way to ambrosia of the vagina rehab center.

if this woman calls candy a honkie, i’m tapping the fuck out.

Lindsey Lohan: Oh, Me too! I was out for a minute because Jeff called. Haven’t seen him in 10 days - had to make sure he was coming back. and she does have to stand in the back of the bus.

Robert Downey, Jr.: "cancel the van, candy. She’ll take the bus!" molly thinks jimmy walker will be her sponsor!

Lindsey Lohan: More like ReRun. SHOW! Oh hell yeah.

That’s a lot of vaginas in one room. I’d be uncomfortable.

Robert Downey, Jr.: those are angry vaginas.

Lindsey Lohan: I loved being around my mom when she was drinking (which was almost never).

Robert Downey, Jr.: you know, cooking those peaches.

Lindsey Lohan: Sh e drank Jim Beam and diet sprite. GROSS!

Robert Downey, Jr.: "I urined for you?" What?

Lindsey Lohan: I’ve urined for a lot of people. I just urined a minute ago.

Robert Downey, Jr.: and here’s where the daughter pulls out the taser@! me too. it was nice.

Lindsey Lohan: She needs to stand up and stay FUCK YOU, MOM!

Robert Downey, Jr.: perfect.

Lindsey Lohan: How can a mom fuck up her own kids? e’ll think about it? NO SHE WON’T.

Robert Downey, Jr.: a job warming beans.

Lindsey Lohan: Sh e’s thinking about MD 20/20. As a matter of fact, so am I. Warming Peaches.

Robert Downey, Jr.: me too.

Lindsey Lohan: Food from a can is like a hug from Jesus.

Robert Downey, Jr.: she has to get her blood pressure checked? And now she’s gonna hit somebody. they should mail her a coffin and save the time later.

Lindsey Lohan: Marcel & Sebastian still rule. Allison is second. But Gloria. Close third. Coffin. Oh, Shit. I’m dying.

Two months later…..

Robert Downey, Jr.: she’s living in a box. or in a van. down by the river.

Lindsey Lohan: She’s gonna fuck this up.

Robert Downey, Jr.: 1000 to 1.

Lindsey Lohan: I feel it in my…ummm..heart.

Robert Downey, Jr.: less than 9 days.

Lindsey Lohan: 100,000 to 1

Trust Schmust. Happy from the inside out? That comes from booze. I know from experience. It’s a warm fuzzy feeling.

Cut out pics from magazines? Seriously?

Robert Downey, Jr.: oh goody. 25k for rehab, and you made a fucking collage.

Lindsey Lohan: Miss Kitty’s Kindergarten Rehab. Sign me up. Her shit doesn’t even rhyme. I call bullshit.

Robert Downey, Jr.: i thought that’s what they did. was that a haiku? i’m my own hero.

waiting…

Lindsey Lohan: Yes. You are.

Robert Downey, Jr.: waiting…

mother fucker. what a letdown. 4 months.

Lindsey Lohan: Sober since April? Well…that’s more than I can say. Fuck. This one ended badly for us. Oh, I can’t watch this hoarder shit. Dude, your problem is your BMI. Not your shit piles of crap.

Robert Downey, Jr.: okay. are you gonna cut and paste and send it to me or am i?

Lindsey Lohan: Did I tell you I got my Great Dane because he was seized from a pet hoarder? Who does that?

Robert Downey, Jr.: don’t bum me out.

Lindsey Lohan: She went to the loony bin. My dog sends women to the asylum.

Lindsey Lohan: I can only capture up to 9:12 p.m. - "Crazy as hell". Can you get more than that?

In honor of FRT’s 1,000^th blog post last month, which he commemorated by posting the transcript of a compelling, well written IM chat session between two of the most gifted writers in contemporary American history, I humbly submit to you my homage to the man himself.

I encourage all the FRT followers across the nation to send him their tributes, which he can post to his blog on the days when his writer’s block kicks in instead of those weepy, cry-baby entries about how hard it is to blog every day and how he has nothing to say. Or he can substitute them for yet another welfare mom post. Stop the insanity!

FRT has given us hours of drunken laughs and it’s time we show the man our appreciation. Thank you, FRT, for making me feel like a little bit less of a loser.

Ode to FRT:

FRT, FRT.
Without you where would we all be?

Tales of life with GBD,
Nights in jail in PCB.

Pity poor Things One through Three,
Soon they’ll be in therapy.

Tales that read like Tucker Max.
Are these really all true facts?

Ticker couldn’t keep you down.
Anal: “Getting into Brown”!

Locked out in your boxer briefs?
GBD was deep in sleep.

Wet balls dipped in toilet poo?
Wonder what would Jesus do?

Toenail known as Frankentoe.
But those photos have to go.

We know you pissed Hoss’ pants.
But you lied and took a chance.

Your dad knows more stripper tail.
Bet he never went to jail.

Epic love of beer in kegs,
And steaks from the Big Green Egg.

School bus driver made you mad.
When you were a field trip Dad.

New bike vanished into air?
Auburn cops don’t give a care.

Loved Sebastian and Marcel!
We’re all going straight to hell.

Douche bag Boss.
Trips with Hoss.

Writer’s Block.
Broken Cock.

Welfare Moms.
Hats with poms.

XBox fan.
NASCAR man.

Ice cold beer.
Needle fear.

Blog as art.
Great big heart.

Thank you, my friend FRT.
For the laughs you’ve given me.