Functionally ReTodded

Happy Friday peeps!  It’s great to be alive when we are all surrounded by idiots and morons.

First up is a young ne’er-do-well from Sean Roberts of Riverview, Florida.

It seems that this misguided youth was apprehended and charged with robbing a house of some electronics and drugs and stuff.

How in the world would he be located so quickly given the number of misguided youths burgling houses in Florida?

Apparently it was fairly easy to find Mr. Roberts, given that he had a couple of readily recognizable tattoos.

One tat on his head or neck said "Crazy Cracker."  The other unique tattoo can be seen below:

That’s right.  He has the state of Florida tattooed on his face.

p.s. I know a student at Georgia Southern who came fairly close to making a similar mistake.  Not the burgling part but the horrible state-related tattoo part.

Second on today’s list is a woman I spoke of a few days ago .

Well, it seems another hardship has befallen (or befelled or something) Ms. Drummond and her fucking baseball team of kids.

Apparently eBay has removed each of the three auctions Mrs. Drummond had set up to auction off the naming rights of her next kitten along with auctioning off her soul.

Ms. Drummond says she lost nearly $15,000 when the website removed her auctions.

The first auction was taken down and she was notified by email that "sellers are not permitted to solicit donations.’  It is this auction that Arnold Drummond claims received a bid of $15,000.

Undeterred, Mrs. Garrett posted another auction the following day only to see it removed again.  This time, the reason sent to her explained eBay’s policy of prohibiting auctions that promote "iveaways, lotteries, sweepstakes, random drawing, raffles, contests or prizes."

Then Kimberly Drummond posted a thirdd auction on August 10th which received a bid of a little over $510, but it was removed because an actual item was not offered for sale.

A beleaguered and gestationally superior Drummond went on to say:

"I am super disappointed." I have bills mounting, my car broke down yesterday. And being disappointed took a lot of wind out of me, a lot of energy out of me."

She added that her "children were so crushed" and that they "were really counting on some type of resolution.  I was just praying for a miracle."

Willis Drummond said the idea "just came to her" while thinking of ways out of her financial funk.

"When I saw [the first auction] pulled, I knew it wasn’t going to do that again the next time," Drummond said. "The sensation had died down. When they pulled that, it was like my last hope. I was really hurt, mainly because I felt like I failed ."

Yes.  you failed.  As a mother.  A person.  You even failed at being a carbon-based life form.

Drummond, who has not contacted an attorney due to cost concerns, said she’ll honor any name the top bidder chooses and will consider allowing that individual supervised visits with her child.

Her ad content stated, and I quote:

"You can name him after a loved one, a departed one, or anny grate [sic] boy name!  I am really looking to get around 20-25 thousand for a new car that fit my BIG family."

Not that you’d want to use any potential money received on some book learnin’ for the barn-full of government children you’ve deposited on this ball of dirt.  No.  It’s a new car and probably a big Tee-vee.

Seriously, this country is on the brink on many fronts.  Our Government is finding new and creative ways to steal from productive citizens as well as screwing with health care, but the government can’t find time to stop this woman from breeding, take her children or just shoot them all into the fucking sun?

You wanna talk about cutting government spending?  Lets stack a bunch of these morons in a bus and drive it head-long into an active volcano.  Jesus Christ.  eBay?  You prayed for an idea and you got eBay?  Wasn’t pulling stunts like selling face tattoos and baby names popular in about 1997?  Are you also searching for pictures of Anna Kournikova and checking the site that is counting down the days until the Olsen twins turn eighteen?

Oh, and her closing line is great.

"I’m ready to have the baby.  I’m still praying that someone out there will take mercy and make a huge difference for my family."

Mercy?  Mercy?  How about one or three of your kids that are old enough getting jobs?  How about you telling your husband to pull out or just yank it in the shower?  Maybe you invest in some, hmmm, BIRTH CONTROL THAT’S FREE FROM THE COUNTY YOU LIVE IN?

While you’re praying for someone like Ed McMahon to knock on your door with balloons and a big fucking novelty check you dumb shit, why don’t you look up the very common phrase credited to Ben Franklin and his Poor Richard’s Almanac of 1757:

God helps those that help themselves.