A friend from high school mentioned how she enjoyed watching Phineas and Ferb as well as Imagination Movers.
When I read that, I had two immediate reactions. The first was that I fucking hate the Imagination Movers. the second was that I needed to write about children’s television, what the shows are about and my take on them.
This isn’t all of the children’s shows that are out there, but it’s what gets watched at my house. Your mileage may vary.
Dora the Explorer: I appreciate the multilingual aspects of this show. And kids like it. I heard a comedian say that Dora taught illegals how to get across the border since every episode seemed to feature a journey that included crossing the blue river, running through the woods and then across sappy swamp, and all the while avoiding swiper (the INS agent). My biggest complaint about Dora is DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD?!?!?! And what’s with the giant football-shaped head? More importantly, why does my son clearly have a crush on this girl?
Sidenote here: Am I a pervert if I’m aroused by the mid-20’s girl that plays Dora in the stage presentation of Dora the Explorer? I mean, she’s an adult playing a seven year old. Is that wrong? Nevermind. I think I answered my own question. I guess the same goes for getting a boner watching the Lindsay Lohan version of Herbie the Love Bug too? I mean, she’s clearly a tramp who throws the kitty all over town now (to men or women), so it’s not a now problem. Hmmm. I’ve gotta think about that one.
Diego the something or other : horrible. Why? It’s the male version of Dora because either homophobic dads didn’t want their little boys playing with Dora toys or the company that owns the rights needed a way to squeeze more cash out of suburban parents. either way, it’s crap.
Max and Ruby : Two bunnies that live in the suburbs, no parents in sight (although we see grandma from time to time). Max is a mischievous little scamp and Ruby, the older sister, is a nagging spinster to be that I want to squash with a two by four and harvest all four legs for good luck.
Special Agent Oso : Or as someone called it on Facebook today, "Special NEEDS Oso." He’s sold to us as some special agent, but he’s dumber than a box of hammers. At least Dora and Diego use computers and build stuff. This imbicile says stuff like "Where’s the light? Do you see the light? Do you?" Yes fucker! You’re touching it. JESUS!!
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E : No idea if this is the title of the show or not, and mostly because that song will burn a whole thru your brain. I can’t even look directly at the television when that’s on. Too much.
Imagination Movers : This show has all the makings of a pedophillic clubhouse. First off, never trust a group of dudes in coveralls unless it’s 1977 and you’re at a Commodores concert. Add the facial hair, crazy hats, and their over the top acting, plus an all too quiet neighbor with a moustache, well, you can see it right in front of you. Plus their rape room warehouse has a rodent problem.
Phineas and Ferb : This is one of my favorite shows period, not just kids shows. I love the stories, the hispanic jewish nieghbor Ms. Garcia Shapiro and the whole James Bond as a platypus thing. It’s high comedy and a great show.
Super Why : Although they use the similar three part story arcs and the minority, the girl and the pig aren’t really necessary and Wyatt (aka superwhy) can usually rock the solution all by himself. They also use storylines we are familiar with to teach things about words, spelling and reading. Plus, when my son does the Super Why dance and spins counter clockwise during the intro song, it brings a smile to every face in the room.
Sid the Science Kid : This show is one of those odd animated / claymation looking shows, and I don’t care if they gave me the winning lottery numbers, I would run the entire cast and the people that provide their voices thru a god damned sausage grinder. It’s part of a disturbing trend of super-urbanizing children’s television.
Don’t believe me? Check out "Electric Company" these days.
Electric Company : I’ll just say that this show from my past is no longer the "Bath-room bathroom" show. Now it’s "Chill-axin chillaxin" all over the place.
Little Bill : I wanted to like this because Bill Cosby created it and he’s wheelhouse for me. But this cartoon is Gregory Hines and Felicia Rashaad playing the Cosbys in cartoon form, down to the jazz music and the annoying grandmother. Actually, the annoying grandmother is kind of the "I’ll see you the old premise and raise you this nag" part. Either way it’s horrible."
Wonderpets : This is a gang of not well animated house pets and farm animals that get distress calls from other critters, then bust out secretly and fly and wear capes. No value. None. And if you add in the uber-high pitched voices, my neighbors dogs will be suing me for abuse soon. And good luck getting that god damned Wonderpets song out of your head.
Little Einsteins : This show I actually enjoy. It’s good exposing the kids to classical music as it relates to musical structure, tempo, terminology and history. My only real complaint is that their efforts to "reinforce" the lesson are more like Vulcan mind tricks of repetition. Still, well worth it for the kids.
Curious George : First, I’m bothered that this 50 plus year old cartoon is still haunting me. I didn’t particularly like it in book form as a child, but the television show has an odd pedophile vibe plus I think it tells kids that it’s okay to go wander outside and do whatever the fuck you want regardless of what adults tell you. Not a great message for my two youngest who already have the wandering gene.
Caillou : I have no idea here. I think this is one of those shows that got developed and pitched by someone that had made the networks a fuckton of money, and they felt obligated to make it or lose their cash cow (See the creators of The Family Guy and The Simpsons for their late career ‘pet projects).
That’s the only explanation for this show. It’s horrific. Like date-rape horrific, except that the rohypnol helps me get thru it.
Yo gabba gabba: All I can say here is wow. It’s a terrible show with a terrible premise, but it still gets B+ list celebrity guests. The only explanation I can come up with is that this is today’s version of Sid and Marty Krofts stuff and everyone on, in and around the show is high as the bejesus. I mean, Jack Black singing me a song about "Don’t bite your friends?" Really? How about "Don’t. Bogart. The spleef."
wow wow wubbzy: Can figure this one out, but it’s not horrific. . Well animated and, the voices notwithstanding, decent stories complete with action and imagination. I am in favor of this one.
Ni Hao Kailan - This is a show about ANOTHER girl with a football-shaped head. In this case, a Chinese girl (Kailan) hangs out with her grandfather and three animals that are morons and do nothing but break shit or fail at stuff and get mad, and then we spend 20 minutes talking them down. Just like Dora in that it is multilingual, teaches manners and lessons sort of but is generally too loud and it freaks me out because I think my son has a giant cranium fetish and that he’ll ultimately fall in love with someone cursed with Hydroencephalitis.
backyardigans - This one I like too. Animated well, good adventures, there’s singing and dancing and a plot and with the occasional exception of WAY too much repetition in the story, this is one I’d recommend all parents let their kids watch.
fresh beat band - This one’s new and I don’t really care one way or another. It’s actual people using the usual recipe of Archie and Jughead’s band kind of (white guy, black guy, brunette and a redhead), and they sing and dance and perform safe suburban white rap lite. I could give or take the show but watching my kids dance to it and "raise the roof" is high comedy.
So what’s your take people? Which ones do you like or not like?
For what it’s worth, I’ve now conditioned the two eldest things to sit down and watch "How It’s Made" in HD every night for our wind down time for 30 minutes, and it’s been great. My eldest even said the other night "I don’t care what they’re making and I don’t even care if that man stops talking. I just like watching stuff get made."
True dat Thing One. True dat.
What say you?