Archive for May, 2009

31
May

Just another day at Casa de FRT

Today was another quiet day.  The neighbors called and invited us to join them at the pool.  Since thing three was due for a nap, GBD said she’d take Thing Two and go with them.

GBD went upstairs to get changed and I was tasked with slathering Thing Two with sunscreen.

About the time I finished, GBD remembered that her suit was across the street at the SIL’s house thanks to a late night hot tub a week or so ago.

I headed across the street with Thing Two trailing me.  I said "Hey Fia, why don’t you wait inside?  I’ll be right back."

She replied "I’ll wait here in the garage daddy."

So I went and got the bathing suit, came back, threw it to the top of the stairs and then saw Thing Two kind of tugging at her suit.

Me:  What’s wrong sweetie?

Thing Two:  silence.

Me:  Do you have to go potty.

TT: I did.

Me:  Did you potty in the den?  Where did you potty honey?

TT:  In the driveway.  And the garage.

Me:  Hmmmm.  Be right back.

And so I walk outside and see where she peed a little in the driveway, and then I glance to my right where my golf bag is leaning in the corner.

Wet.

That’s right kids.  Thing Two peed on my golf bag.

30
May

Hi

Sorry kids.  I’ve got irons in the fire times twenty, but I ain’t got shit tonight.  All you’re getting is a Frankentoe limerick.

His toe was pristine as could be

Then he stumbled and hurt it truly

As brave as he was

and strong as he was

He wanted to sue mr. cooley.

29
May

One for my dear friend LAB

She’s also known as Midlife Mediocrity .

Anyway, a couple of days or weeks ago, she mentioned that there are women at or near her local Quickie Mart who are working in the world’s oldest profession:

They’re naggy housewives.

Just kidding everybody.  Really though, she alleges that there are ladies of the night there, but even during the day.

I was shocked and sad "LAB, there’s no way there’s whores up in this part of the county", yet she assured me that there were.

Then this past Sunday, we’re riding in the car to a graduation party, and I’m half listening to my iPod and half listening to the conversation which includes such things as directions the NOT shortest or fastest way to said party, when I catch this gem:

"Is the Buford cemetery REALLY where you have to go to get a blowjob?"

Then my 19 year old nephew Parnell piped up and said "I’ve been twice.  No luck yet."

I immediately piped up as well.

"First, you guys get the fuck out of the car.  Second, and before you go, where’s the Buford cemetery again?"

28
May

Hey everybody! Look at me!! I’m standing up!!

I don’t know why I struggle to find shit to write about these days.  All I need to do is turn on the news and find another example of how our "capitalist" society is seeing it’s government pick and choose which uber-corporation should or should not be saved and / or bought and / or run in part or entirely by our government.

This week it appears that GM will be the golden child.  Apparently, our government’s rush to "loan" GM FIFTY EIGHT BILLION GOD DAMNED DOLLARS was money down a fucking rat hole since GM can’t pay it back and is now looking to go into bankurptcy.

First, it’s not a loan if there is no chance or intent for it to be paid back.  The same lending decisions that led to the subprime mess were used by the government with the automakers, and yet there has been no learning from our mistakes.

Second, since when did the government become an expert in running a gigantic auto maker?  In order for GM, Chrysler, Ford, or any other company in this country to be successful, they need a couple of things:

  • The wherewithall to streamline operations and downsize the manpower costs associated with production.  Grade:  FAIL
  • Good fiscal policies as it relates to spending, investing, saving, etc.  Grade:  FAIL
  • Visionary thinking as it relates to the future and what people need and / or want.  Grade:  FAIL
  • The ability to operate in a fluid manner and not be bogged down to the point of inaction.  Grade:  FAIL
  • The ability to disassociate itself from organized labor in an effort to compete effectively in a global economy.  Grade:  FAIL

I simply cannot fathom where our government suddenly decided it really was big brother and when businesses have trouble, they and they alone will ultimately decide who will survive and who will fail. I mean, I lost twenty five grand in a lump charcoal endeavor not long ago.  Where’s MY government "loan?"

Meanwhile, our qualifications for borrowing money globally have been downgraded as we are now, as a nation, a credit risk.  Just like many of our citizens and money pits like GM, we as a country have borrowed more than we can ever physically pay back, if we ever intended to pay it back at all, and now that’s all coming home to roost.

So by all means everybody, keep electing rock stars and legacies and morons and the power-hungry with no vision to govern and make real change and not just sound bite from the stump change.  That has served us well over the last 30 years and will continue to drive us into anarchy in the not so distant future.

But there is some good news.  It seems that Frankentoe is getting stronger by the day and will be ready for shoes as early as next monday.

Frankentoe 28 May, 2009

Hugs,

FRT

27
May

And here I sit, feeling ReTodded

No, not actually FEELING ReTodded. Just stupid.

I took a Lortab last night because Frankentoe was pissing me off quite a bit, and I put the bottle away.

Only I don’t know where it is.

Seriously.

I’ve looked top to bottom in every cabinet in the kitchen. I looked in my bathroom in every drawer and cabinet. I looked in the couches, end tables, the basement, my car, my backpack and even my super secret hiding places.

And before Avitable asks, I also looked in my ass. I found a gerbil skeleton wrapped loosely in duct tape, some car keys, a map of Belize, the Bose in-ear headphones I lost a year ago, my old student ID card and a still-sealed pack of Orville Redenbacher Movie Theater butter flavored popcorn.

But no Lortab.

I’m at a loss. Where do YOU think my Lortab is?