Functionally ReTodded

I just finished some research (at FoxNews) and I’ve uncovered some exciting news.  But you have to promise not to tell anyone.

Thanks to my diligence, you will now know the all of the secret celebrity beach body tips.

That’s right.  I’m about to enlighten you with words from Heaven.  Or Hollywood.  Wait.  Aren’t they the same?

Anyway, here are the tips and their author (with some commentary from me).

Eva Longoria : "I always get a good bikini wax and I always spray tan before I go to the beach. Its really key, not only because it acts as a sunblock but you look better in a bikini when you’re already tan."

So Eva Longoria, a woman so hot that my friend Dann would like to make sun tea with her panties, relies on spray tan and a good bikini wax?  I have news for you Eva.  You could have a bush the size of this afro:

And dudes would still think you were hot.  Shut up.

Kristin Cavallari : "I hit the gym and get a tan - being tan makes you look skinnier! I also watch my diet. During the week I’m pretty good but then Saturday and Sunday I eat whatever I want, but as long as I get back on it Monday I’m okay."

Hey Kristin, I know that you think being tan makes you look skinnier, but SO DOES BEING FUCKING SKINNY!!  You must have left out the "Then I vomit up what I ate on Saturday and Sunday."

(Sports Illustrated cover girl) Marisa Miller : "Skin is huge and there are so many great bronzers. Self tanners were a little funky ten years ago but the color is a lot better now. That’s the most important thing, if you have a little glow it really hides imperfections - bruises, spider veins, we all have little cellulite. That’s the best tip I can give, when you have that glow and you’re moisturized the light hits you in a different way. Especially after winter we have really dry skin it’s important to exfoliate, moisturize and do a self-tanner."

After I stopped masturbating, I re-read that and said "Cellulite?  Really?  We all do?  Where’s yours?  In some giant jar where you keep your dead fat great grandmother in formaldahyde?  That’s the only cellulite you have."

Shannen Doherty : "The only thing I do is take care of my body. I do a scrub, lotion and lots of sunblock. I don’t diet."

And you also avoid the painful aging that results from being under the hot lights on tv and movie sets by not working, right?

Joanna Krupa : "I am not the gym-rat type so I looked for something to keep me in bikini shape without constant training and I found Powerplate! It’s amazingly effective - I hit it once a week and it takes care of everything, it’s Hollywood’s best kept secret."

Once a week?  Really?  I don’t know what Powerplate is, but I’m guessing it’s a salad and about three eight-balls of cocaine on Friday.  That’s the only way any once a week regimen could work.

Tara Conner : "Wear a bathing suit that is totally comfortable, you don’t want to be playing with it all the time or having it slip. You have to feel comfortable to feel confident and look your best."

So my baggy cargo shorts with my dunlop over the top are the way to go, huh?  That’s good to know, as that’s all I’m planning on wearing.

Kimberly Caldwell : "I try to work out at least 4 or 5 times a week, I do cardio, running, weights and I really try to eat healthy. It is hard for me to stay away from McDonalds. The fries at McDonalds and ice cream. dipping the fries in the McFlurry, its trashy I know. But closer to summer, it is salads and chicken."

At least she’s honest.  But still dumb.  Everyone knows that the best fry-shake combination is the Wendy’s original Frosty with Wendy’s Fries.  That shit rocks.  I’m guessing that if I worked out four to five times a week for a month, I’d look even more awesome than I do.

AnnaLynne McCord : "First and foremost love the skin you’re in no matter what. Look in the mirror and say ‘I love you love you love you’. Then do yoga, that’s my thing. I like hiking too. Then a good spray tan - just don’t go out the day of, I learned the hard way on that one."

Not much to add except fuck you AnnaLynne McCord.  It’s easy to love the skin you’re in when you have an ass that you can bounce a quarter off of.  I do too, but regular folks can’t understand that.  Try a little humility next time.

Bethenny Frankel : "The only rule you cannot break is do not binge. Eat more high volume foods, have soups and pureed vegetables, eat a salad first even if you want something fattening. Order two appetizers instead of an entree and leave a little food on your plate."

While I disagree on the binging (since that’s how I truly feel love), I’m down with the rest of her plan.  Except for pureed vegetables, soups, and salad first.  I love the two appetizer idea though.  That sets up a nice bed for the 16 ounce ribeye.

Samantha Harris : "I stay in shape all year-round. I try to get the perfect balance between fat, carbs and protein for energy and eat every 2-3 hours. I love exercise and I try to change it up everyday and do lots of different classes at Equinox and then I do things like running up the Santa Monica steps with my baby. I’ve also just started getting into Bikram yoga which is so amazing, you get to stretch and sweat out those toxins.

God bless you Samantha.  I’m gonna take you up on that.  While working 10 hours a day, I will find time to eat every two hours (perfectly balancing protein and carbs), many classes at the gym, running steps and then also taking Bikram Yoga.  DFACS will take my kids, but I’ll look even more amazing than I do already.

Angie Harmon : "I’ve got to get on a treadmill and do some weight training soon! I don’t diet because I’m breast feeding, but normally yes I would (for summer)."

Not much to say here but that I got a bit doughy when she said breast feeding.

Debra Messing : "I run after my son a lot. I try to eat really good organic fruits and vegetables and just try to eat only when I’m hungry.

I run after our kids a lot too.  But organic = expensive and when you factor in that I don’t give a crap about pesticides and preservatives.  Further, I’m always hungry.  You suck.

Jennifer Coolidge : "I just wear a lot of makeup. When I say to those actresses ‘you look really incredible, what are you doing?’ they never tell you. I’m like come on! I know there’s some inside crap that they’re doing, and I know there’s Botox, but there’s even a more inside thing going on… Only a few actresses know what it is. My thing is just wear makeup

Jennifer is funny and honest and has big cans.  So she’s my big winner even if she goes swimming in overalls.

I hope that this has been both informative and helpful.  I know I’ll never look at Eva Longoria’s crotch the same way again.

All my best,

FRT