Functionally ReTodded

I’ve given this a lot of thought over the last two months while I was taking a dump this morning, and I’ve come up with some ways that I think will help ALL Americans perceive that Obama’s (first) term in office was a success.

Since I’m busy (and hungry), let’s get right to it.

1. All public restrooms without a lockable door to the outside (gas stations) will have floor to ceiling walls on all sides and a full door on the front.  There’s no reason this wasn’t in the Bill of Rights, let alone added to the Constitution.
2. Get rid of income taxes and implement a consumption tax.  You don’t have to even call it the Fair Tax.  You can call it anything you want.  I don’t care if you call it the gay nazi tax or the I Hate Whitey tax.  Just stop punishing people for accomplishing things.
3. Have cameras constitutionally banned from cell phones.  Since the day they arrived on the scene, I have said that they are only good for pedophiles and high school kids sending each other pictures of their private parts.
4. That said, if you aren’t going to ban cellphone cameras, at least have a government agency created to run the website depository where these pictures are to be managed and published.  One or the other.
5. Legalize marijuana.  I don’t think that legalizing all drugs is smart.  Obviously meth and shit like that is terrible and dangerous (and makes people ugly).  But the government could raise an ass-full of money taxing pot and controlling the strength of it.  You’re under fifty and a Democrat.  There’s no way on God’s green earth you haven’t hit a bong a dozen times in your life.  Hang up your cardigan and let your freak flag fly a little.
6. Mandate that the Superbowl either be moved to Saturday or that the day after the Superbowl is a national holiday.  There’s no reason I should have to work the day after the fourth biggest excuse to get drunk in our society.  (The others are New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo).
7. Have legislation passed that states that no political advertising may mention the opponent or his talking points.  The only political ads allowed in our nation are ones where the person on or in the ad talks about his or her beliefs / plans.  That’s it.  Mudslinging is for Jerry Springer and anti-Scientologists.
8. Tell the truth about recycling.  It’s expensive and not necessary.  I mean, it’s fine if you want to do it, but don’t guilt me about it.  If you want my old shit, go to the dump and get it.  I don’t have time to sort my trash for the hippies.
9. It is imperative that term limits be imposed on Congress.  Change senatorial terms from six to four years and then set the mandate that no one can serve more than eight years in Congress in their lifetime.  If it’s good enough for the president, it’s good enough for assclowns like Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd.  Congress isn’t a career you jackasses.
10. And finally, putting on makeup or eating while driving a car should be a felony and require their driver’s license to be suspended for a year.  I can’t believe that we have to hear how dangerous cell phones are, but every day some lazy bitch is driving 20 mph under the speed limit straddling two lanes while she applies eyeliner.  And yes, if you’re putting your makeup on while driving a car, you’re lazy.  It means your late and you didn’t get up in time to get your shit done at home.  Just drive the car to where you’re going, and put on your makeup when you get there.

I welcome anyone to submit their recommendations as well.

I’m sure I’ll have more political stuff down the road, but I have to pace myself.  After all, it’s day two of the new administration.  I have to give them some time.

Until next time, Bitches.

FRT