Functionally ReTodded

Today I had the day off.  That is to say that I had the day off from work.  I did NOT have the day off from the family.  I am going to give you a little insight into just what the first hour or so of my day is like every day.

Patrick! No standing on the couch.  Bottom down.

Fia!  No jumping on the couch.  Bottom down!

Lauren, get dressed!

Patrick! Bottom down!

Patrick NO!  Don’t touch my iPod. (Pick up iPod and take it to the middle of the kitchen table and gets a cup of coffee).

Patrick!  Don’t touch my blackberry.  (Sets down coffee, takes blackberry and case from boy, now crying, and place them in the middle of the kitchen table).

Patrick!! Don’t touch my coffee.  GAH!  (runs for paper towels to clean up coffee, walk to kitchen to throw away paper towels).

Patrick!! Don’t pull the spacebar off of / turn the power off on / stand on my laptop (runs from kitchen to close laptop lid, but set coffee down to do it).

Patrick! No standing on the couch.  Bottom down.

Fia!  No jumping on the couch.  Bottom down!

Lauren, get dressed!

Patrick! Bottom down!

Then it’s breakfast for three which could be pancakes, cereal, pop tarts (or their generic equivalent), cinnamon toast, and on the weekends that expands to the possibility of homemade pancakes, french toast, fried eggs and bacon with toasted bagels, etc.

Inevitably no one can agree, so I make different stuff, but no one wants or eats what I make.  Then 20 minutes later, they’re all hungry.

Except Patrick.  He eats.  He LOVES anything with syrup, because he can rub it in his hair, on his face, all over his clothes, in his ears, nose, eyes and more.

Lauren, get dressed.

Seriously.  Get dressed.

Fia, put your clothes on.  You are not running around naked all day.

Patrick!  Give me the remote.

Lauren! Get dressed!  It’s been fifteen minutes and all you have on is a shirt.

FIA!  GET DRESSED!

Patrick! No standing on the couch.  Bottom down.

Fia!  No jumping on the couch.  Bottom down!

Lauren, get dressed!

Patrick! Bottom down!

Lauren, it’s been 25 minutes and you have a shirt on and pants.  GET DRESSED!!

Fia!  Put your clothes back on!

Patrick! No standing on the couch.  Bottom down.

Fia!  No jumping on the couch.  Bottom down!

Lauren, get dressed!

Patrick! Bottom down!

I gotta go.  Love you, honey.  Call me later.

(repeat a few more times if, due to the lunacy, you drive all the way to work without your god damned backpack, which contains your work keys, security fob and your laptop).