Functionally ReTodded

No.  I’m not talking about my penis or my little neighbor Robin.  I’m talking about whatever little dumbass amoeba-like, germy-shaped, bacteria have invaded my body.  Here’s a look back:

Monday afternoon - A little cough, possibly a little congestion.

Tuesday morning -  Mild infrequent cough, runny nose, headache.

Tuesday night - Fair to moderate pressure inside the skull, unproductive cough, back of throat sore.

Wednesday morning - Astonishingly painful cough, head near explosion pressures internally, throat raw (not like strep but back in the coughing area), lungs feel bogged down and half flat.

So this morning, I head off to CVS’ wonderful offering:  The Minute Clinic.

Sounds good, right?

There was a dude there when I got there at the registration touchpad computer thingy.  He spent about 15 minutes getting signed in, so I figured you had to enter your whole insurance info, history, etc.

While he was registering and I was in line, a VERY crabby Jamaican woman (the PA) came out as a woman and her mom walked up and started talking.  This was as the PA was about to say "Who’s next?"

The woman had a red eye.  It didn’t hurt.  She mentioned that it may have been a pimple on her eyelid or something, but that she had called and they said she could be seen.  The Jamaican woman seemed uninterested in seeing the red eyed lady, but relucantly said "Come on in here for a second," and they were in the exam room.

I looked at patient number one that was now sitting down and said "Hmmmm.  That’s a good way to skip the wait I guess.  Next time I’ll just hijack the doctor."  So I go up to sign in, and it’s a touch screen that asks for your name, address, DOB and that you agree that they can sell your organs for money.  That’s it.  It took me about 30 seconds to complete, yet the guy in front of me seemed like he was looking for his Phone-a-Friend.

30 minutes later, popeye walks out and the PA calls the dude first in line.  He’s got a cold or an allergy issue.  I can tell.

He’s in there for a god damned hour.  I actually entertained the thought that they were doing it in there because a cancer diagnosis couldn’t take that long.

FINALLY, it was my turn.  I tell the woman my info (that I’ve already typed), present the insurance card, and we talk.  I tell her I’ve got a sinus infection, ear infection (maybe just the left ear) and bronchitis.  "No big deal," I say.  "I get it every year."  If I can get an antibiotic and steroid injection, a z-pack of antibiotics and some Nasonex, I’ll be on my way.

Instead, we proceed to discuss everything from anal fissures to the bubonic plague to dysentery to a prolapsed vagina.  It takes an hour and fifteen minutes.

Then she says "You have a sinus infection, the left ear is getting infected and you have bronchitis.  I will give you fourteen days worth of augmentin.  I would prefer to give you saline for your sinuses, but I guess you can have a zero refill prescription for Nasonex and you should get some Mucinex.  Oh, and your blood pressure’s too high.  Come back in a week and we’ll check it again."

Thanks Clara Barton.

Then twenty minutes at the counter for the Rx, and I’m back at work.  I feel like ass and I just want to go to bed and wallow in phlegm and self pity.

TTFN (Thanks To Fucking Nobody).

FRT