Functionally ReTodded

Today I was in the bathroom here at work making teetees and I had an epiphane. That epiphane is this blog.

We all know the jokes and not so jokey remarks where people think there are tons of advantages to having a penis. Men can:

1. Pee in a bottle or some other container while in a moving car.
2. Write your name in pee.
3. Pee standing up.
4. Pee in the sink at crowded concerts/games/races/dorm rooms.

You get the point.

Anyway, during an event this morning that led to a bit of panick, I’ve decided to make a list of the disadvantages there are to having a penis.

1. It’s nearly impossible to accidentally catch your vagina in your zipper.
2. During the course of a day your underpants can shift on way or another, and then you have to pee really badly but you can’t find the peeny port and you nearly have a panic attack over the possibility of peeing in your pants.
3. You can stand there and tap, shake and play forever after peeing. But then you put the mouse back in the house and VOILA, there is a drop or two or just a dribble of pee that can magically not get caught by your underpants but will either make an embarrassing mark on the front of your khakis or make it all the way down to your calf or shin.
4. The 2nd period math class "Mister Whateveryourname is, please come to the board and work this problem" at the exact second you’re wearing sweatpants, nodding off, and you find yourself with a raging boner.
5. You get up in the middle of the night to respond to a crying kid and as your about four feet away from them sitting in their bed with their eyes at groin level, and the turtle decides to poke his head out at that moment.
6. There is no guarantee of getting laid if you have a penis, while if you have a vagina and want to have groinal relations, your odds are exactly 100%. "How so?" You might ask. I’ll give you an example. It’s Saturday night. You’re a dood lookin’ for some nookie. So you shower up, tend to your man pubes and your ball-fro (Thanks Stepbrothers), dress yourself to the nines, and head out to (insert bar name here). You’re mackin’ on ladies all over and, depending on your standards, you still probably have only a 20% chance of making sweet sweet love that night. Scenario two sees a woman deciding to go out Saturday night. She’s not in the mood to gussy herself up much, so she throws on some sweats and a hoodie and heads on down to the T.J. Applebee’s by the mall. She’s 250 pounds and hasn’t shaved her legs since Monday. It will take her about three tries asking doods "So, you wanna bang me?" before she gets a reply in the affirmative. Actually, it doesn’t matter if it takes 1,000 tries. She’s getting laid. A dood simply can’t say that.
7. When you’re a chick and you sit to pee in the middle of the night, you don’t have to think about things like aim, yaw, trajectory, wind-shear, depth of field, shot pattern, etc. I can wake up and not remember that I fed a baby, but you have to have all your faculties about you to pee in the dark.
8. No one at Best Buy complains at all when you bump into them with a rock hard vagina.
9. Very few children see their mother in the shower and then point and laugh at their kitties. I don’t think an instance of one of my children walking into the bathroom while I’m in the shower has gone by WITHOUT them staring, pointing and laughing.
10. If someone walks in and you’re playing with your penis, they invariably say "GAH!! Stop it!" or "EWWW!!! That’s gross!!" or "HEY Mister!! You can’t do that at Baby Gap." But not a person alive would walk into a room, find a woman pleasuring her magical place and do anything to interrupt her. At all. Ever. If a man walked in, he’d simply watch and wish that he too had a vagina. And since we all know that every woman is secretly a lesbian, if a woman walked in on such an act, she would undoubtedly join in on the fun. And possibly call to invite a hot friend. And maybe her twin sister.

So you see, having a penis isn’t the party in your pants that you ladies have deluded yourselves into believing for lo these many years.

Your apologies will be accepted as they are given.

I’m ReTodded and you isn’t.

FRT