Functionally ReTodded

Here’s something you may not know.  I’m not a car guy.  I mean, I like cars.  Driving a car beats the shit out of walking or riding a bike or a scooter or roller skating or anything else as far as transportation is concerned.

But I am not a CAR guy.  I can recognize cool cars.  I can identify many many cool cars by year, make and model.  I like old muscle cars.  I like high performance cars.  But I have never had an overwhelming desire to own any of those.  And beyond my NASCAR knowledge of cars, I don’t know shit about fixing the innerds of one.

Also, I’m not a speed guy.  I enjoyed going whipass fast as a passenger at the Richard Petty Ride Along, and one day I’d like to drive one of those cars, but I have no desire to drive 100mph on 285 or 30 over in a school zone.  The math of speeding as it relates to getting there faster if you’re less than 10 miles from your destination is not lost on me.

To demonstrate my lack of car-ness, here is a visual of the cars I’ve driven and or owned since 1984.

When I got the Ford Ranger, my dad and I discussed an extended warranty since he found someone that would give me a 7 year, 100,000 mile warranty for 2400 bucks.

Ultimately I passed.

This brings me to a call I got about six weeks ago.  It was from a company saying that my car warranty was about to expire, and if I wanted to extend it to call them.

I got about fifty bajillion of these calls, until today when I got one stating that my warranty was expiring, this was the last call and if I wanted to renew it to stay on the line.

Suddenly I thought maybe my dad had bought a warranty for me (he does stuff like that sometimes).  So I stayed on the line.

Then I got Ricardo.

He asked if I was interested in extending my warranty.

So I said "Well Ricardo.  I am a little confused.  I don’t think I have a warranty, but I’m not positive.  Can you tell me what the warranty is and what the status is?"

Ricardo:  "Well, we are contacting customers to renew or extend their warranties.  Is your car from between 1998 and 2008?"

Me:  "Well yes Ricardo.  But 90% of the vehicles in this country are from that period.  And that’s the second time you’ve said that, and this is the second time I’m going to ask you to tell me about my current warranty and the status of it."

Ricardo:  "I never said renew sir.  We contact people to see if they want to purchase an extended car warranty."

Me (standing up now):  "NO Ricardo.  You did NOT say you wanted me to "purchase" an extended warranty after your fifty bajillion calls stating that my current warranty was expiring and the last call that said it was my last call and that in order to keep my warranty coverage in place, I needed to speak to one of your representatives."

Ricardo:  "I never said extend sir."

Me (Now standing on my chair):  "Yes you did.  You said extend.  Now, since you’re a fucking liar, I’d like to be removed from your calling list.  Do not call me again.  Are we clear?"

Ricardo:  "Yes.  I will have you…"

Me (Interrupting):  "SRIOUSR V, SDRUGH,LS DRUSDFUOL Z, ,ARSFHAWEU ~!!!!"

:Slams phone down:

Fin.

Until next time you’re sitting on the toilet,

FRT