Functionally ReTodded

The first thing I’ll tell you is that my weekend was better than my Thursday night / Friday morning.  Then again, any day you don’t get vomited on at 2am is better than one where you do.

Friday I was EX-HAUSTED.  All.  Day.  Long.  It was hideous.  Luckily, Five Guys was there for me at lunch and made me at least able to survive the remainder of the day.

We had a sleepover that ended within an hour and turned into a sleepover at my neighbor’s house, which is a pretty nice trade off.

2doh and 3doh both have some sort of snot creating alien inside their heads, and unfortunately 2doh isn’t handling it as well as her younger brother.  How about that?  I typed about vomit and snot in the same post.  You’d think that’d be a good name for a punk band, but you’d be wrong.

Saturday was a day of Ryder Cup watching and 1 on 1 time with the boy as his mother and sisters went to our town’s big fall celebration complete with expensive two minute runs thru moonwalks, expensive ice cream, pizza, snacks and face painting.  And a wicked sunburn on the old lady.  They left for a couple hours and were gone nearly seven, which got me thru two naps for the boy and a bunch of college football and Ryder Cup viewing.

Saturday evening was to be spent watching Auburn v. LSU, and as I’d said leading up to it, we had zero chance of winning.  Then we played well, led, lost the lead, led and finally, after terrible clock management and a punter who’d apparently had his hamstring cut by Carl Spackler, we gave up the lead for the last time with a little over a minute to go.  Thank God beer can erase bad things from the brain.

Sunday saw me a little groggy and looking for reasons NOT to mow the lawn.  Don’t worry.  My wife thought of enough of them.  God I love her.

We had a Shrinky Dink party for a bunch of the neighborhood kids which interrupted my viewing of the race, football, the Ryder Cup, etc.  I mean, what the hell does my wife think she’s doing scheduling shit without consulting the tv listings.

Sheesh.

For the second Friday night in a row, I’m Mr. Mom alone tonight.

Granted, my wife works in our home and takes care of the kids, laundry, cooking, etc., but still…I’m a dude, and I’m home with the kids.  Doesn’t that get me a medal of honor or something?

Oh, and this is the second Friday in a row that my neighbor and FORMER friend Doogie is responsible for tossing in the shitter.  Last week?  Braves tickets.  This week?  Some friend of his wife is having a birthday party in Buckhead that starts at 10pm.

That’s right.  My wife, the gal who’s usually asleep by 9:30pm in the recliner, is in Buckhead surrounded by all of the 30,000 dollar Millionaires.  Ugh.
But as Doogie pointed out when he came over at 10pm to bring me a comfort and Coke, we’re in good shape for the rest of the weekend.  UGA -SC is at 3:30 tomorrow and there’s a viewing party at Superios’ house.  Then, at 6:30 or so, USC will start its ass-whipping of OSU and we can switch over to the Auburn-Miss State game that starts at 7:30.

My favorite two things Doogie said to me tonight?

"I apologize again," and

"How much beer do we need for tomorrow?"

A lot Doug.  We need a lot.

As you may or may not be aware, we are having some sort of dog days of summer or Indian summer or some such shit down here where I stay at.

You see, we got some fall weather a couple of weeks ago and everyone got their cool weather / football season boners, but then Al Gore’s reality struck.  It’s the week after Labor Day and it’s hot as balls.  I mean 90 degrees hot.  No wind.   Sweat running all the way down your back under your t-shirt and running down the crack in your ass.  How that can happen while wearing a shirt, shorts and underwear is beyond me, but I digress.

Saturday morning seemed unusally hot in the house, especially upstairs.  So I walk outside and see that the fan thingy on the A/C isn’t turning.  Go back inside and there’s no airflow.  Go into the attic and it’s a cool 70 degrees, and I notice the ice on the tube thingy coming out of the A/C whatchacallit.

So it’s (at least) a freon problem.  I turned off the auto and turned the fan on to thaw the coil and any other ice covered area and put down buckets and towels to catch the water.

But now it’s REALLY getting hot up there.  It’s like 86 degrees.  Patrick nonetheless napped fine and by Saturday evening it was down to an arctic 85 so the kids slept up there for the night.  They’re kids right?  What do they know from hot or not hot? But the wife and I did sleep in the den since there’s no way on God’s green Earth I am sleeping in 85 degree air.

I also filed a service request with AHS, our home warranty provider.  I was informed that they would contact me during regular business hours, so I knew we were fucked until at least Tuesday.  I did not tell anyone this.

Got up Sunday and it was already 79 upstairs, but with the outside temp shooting for 90 yesterday, I knew we  were in trouble.  We got thru the day, but there was a literal presence upstairs with the inside temp at 90 degrees when it was 6pm.  Mein papa graciously accepted PK into their home for the evening, and we planned to let the girls sleep in the basement guest room (where it was 66 degrees) while GBD slept upstairs in the recliner and I slept on the basement couch.

I figured the girls sleeping together in the guest room would be kind of a cool adventure for them.  Turns out, it probably was, but it mostly sucked for me.

I got them in bed around 7:30 or so, and over the next two and a half hours, they were up no less than six times.  They needed:

Water.

To pee.

Another story.

To check for blood in the eye after getting hit with a book.

A blanket.

A teddy bear.

Me to sleep with them (No way, what with me playing NCAA 2008 and all).

It was hideous.

They finally went to sleep and so did I, only to be awakened by one dot oh who, after drinking a bottle of water at bedtime, peed the bed a little (like father like daughter).  I got her a towel to lay on in bed, and went back to sleep.

Later (around 3am) I slung a pillow from the side of the L-shaped sofa I was sleeping on to the other side.  There are about 47 pillows down there, so there’s no sense tolerating one that is all hot.  What I didn’t notice was that lauren was laying over there sleeping, so she was awakened by my beaning her in the face with a pillow.  I apologized with a hug and told her to go back to bed.

Suffice it to say that everyone, and I mean everyone, was crabby this morning.  Fia melted down when it was time to go to school, 1doh had her usual panty protest where none of them felt right, and I have recently called the AC company and they think they can fit us in tomorrow between 12-4.  Someone’s gonna put me out of my misery, and it’s either gonna be the AC guy or a sniper.  At this point, either would be fine.