Functionally ReTodded

As you may or may not know, I’ve more than my fair share of run-ins with Charter Communications and their line of residential (non)services. I’ve had near strokes dealing with their Madagascar-based tech support where some dot-head can’t vary from the script for one second to actually listen and hear me say "Hey FUCKO!!! I’m a network administrator and not a monkey feeder at some temple like you, and I’m telling you that IT’S NOT MY GOD DAMNED NETWORK CARD!!!" I’ve gone insane spending two hours on hold only to have some ass-hat hang up on me while "attempting to transfer me" to her supervisor. Of course, I’m sure that supervisor is some dot-head based in Madagascar.

The trouble is, it’s not a Charter problem really. It’s a telecom/customer service problem for many companies in this country. You can thank the shareholders and board members the next time some guy named "Sam" takes your call and you realize that only one of you even barely speaks English.

Offshoring: It’s FAN-tastic!

That said, the wife and I came to the realization yesterday that we were paying WAY too much for our phone and internet services at home. In light of that realization and that our Charter Business contract for internet service had expired, I decided to crawl into the cesspool known to laypeople as "Bundled Services."

I know you’ve all heard of bundled services. You are beaten over the head constantly on TV, radio, magazines, billboards, etc., at all the ways you can save money by letting one company handle your phone/internet/television services. Of course, they don’t tell you that the shit-tacular service you got for just your television will now be shared amongst all of the things you hold dear in your home that aren’t your kids.

But it’s a brave new world out there, and a family doos what it gots ta doos.

So I contacted Charter residential yesterday about bundling our services. I’ll skip the details of that except to say that I worked it out so that we’d save $70 a month, which ain’t exactly ashtray change.

Of course this switch means that we have to:

a) cancel our business internet

b) get a new residential cable box

c) re-program our wireless router

d) return the old business internet cable box

e) have someone from charter handle the provisioning of our VOIP service on site

And most of these items require direct contact with customer service, so you get the idea. This is going to be painful.

Yesterday I got home to a wife that had been on the phone with customer service three times, each consisting of 20 minutes on hold, 30 minutes of retardation with someone that is less internet/tech savvy than my 6 year old, and then an attempted transfer to tier two support and / or a manager that results in getting hung up on, which just lights the fuse for the next call.

So we got the kids to bed and I calmly contacted tech support. 30 minutes on hold and a dot-head with a script later, I was transferred to a supervi…click.

Call back again and get someone from Appalachia, which is a welcome change indeed. He recognized my networking and troubleshooting prowess immediately and deemed my assessment correct, that the modem we were using was still tied to the business unit, and we agreed that I should get a residential modem, have it re-provisioned, and then go from there.

However, one of our old business internet modems worked when connected directly to a computer, but not thru our brand new wireless router. So, at 9pm, I called D-Link tech support. Hello Katmandu? How can you help you?

Fast forward several holds, then a few redundant power cyclings, and we got nowhere fast. I arranged an RMA replacement of my brand new wireless router (in a mere 7-30 days of course), and went to bed grumpy.

By the way, my least favorite tech support instruction is the "Please disconnect the power from the router and wait five minutes…"

People, I have it on good authority and experience that that particular recommendation is complete bullshit. There is nothing that five minutes powered off will do that 10 seconds won’t do. At that point, just hold down the reset button, plug it in, and move along. That five minute thing is just so you might set down the phone for a second and they can then hang up on you.

Back to the story.

I decide to go straight to the Charter office this morning for my new modem, hoping that I can drop it off at home later and my wife can get it configured with tech support and then get off her ass and get some work done (just kidding sweetheart).

I walk into the office at exactly 8am and there are two women at the counter. One is waiting on someone else and the other is waiting on me. After going thru the usual "I don’t see an account in your name" bullshit, we finally are able to find my account information. Never mind that I’ve had charter service for over fifteen years. I’m sure it’s my fault.

Anyway, the woman waiting on me is clacking away with her three inch fingernails and I glance to my right and see the other girl, who is now not waiting on anyone, lotioning up her hands and her ashy arms.

My girl waddles off to find me a modem, and during this time, the other woman starts lotioning her feet.

SERIOUSLY!!

Yes, I know I am at work and that I am sitting at a customer service counter prepared to have direct visual and physical contact with our customers instead of in some back office where no one can see me, but I need to lotion my fucking feet. You gotta problem wit dat?

I manage to push my mouth closed after having my chin hit the counter at this egregious violation of any kind of decorum, and instead look back at the vacant chair in front of me.

Then, I hear the recognizable sound. It elicits a Pavlovian response from me as my head snaps right at the thought of delicious sweet Pringles.

And that’s when I see the retard to my right up to her elbow in the can of Pringles and shoveling them into her maw with the same hand with which she had just finishing lotioning her stinky ashy feet.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!