Functionally ReTodded

I’m sure all of you are waiting to send me cards, presents and even cards filled with money, so I will go ahead and let you know the details. On July 3, 2008 I will be turning 40. Forty. Four Zero. I’m not upset about it. I’m not sad about it. I’m not anything about it. I genuinely stopped associating anything with the number of years I’ve been alive when I left my wife’s 30th birthday party. And as I have said many times over the past two and a half years, the alternative to getting older every year is a good deal more troubling.

Anyway, in honor of my birthday and in no particular order, here are 40 things about turning 40.

1) I have way more hair on my head than I thought I would.

2) I have way less hair anywhere else than I thought I would.

3) I feel way younger at 40 than I thought I would.

4) I feel way older than I think I should.

5) Now I can hold my head high when entering the clinic asking to have my prostate exam.

6) I should not ask for a prostate exam at the dentist’s office, the movie theater or The Home Depot.

7) If I were 400 years old, I STILL wouldn’t be able to watch The McNeil Lehrer show.

Ditto for NPR.

9) When my dad turned 40, I was almost 15. Fuck was HE old.

10) As I turn 40, my kids are six, two point five and one. I don’t think I’m old at all.

11) Maturity is CLEARLY not age based.

12) 40 sounds like a good age to focus on developing one’s career.

13) I feel like maybe I should feel ashamed rummaging thru the xbox 360 rental section at Blockbuster.

14) I don’t.

15) As much as I hated my job at 30, I LOVE my job at 40.

16) While I hoped I would be, I’m still pretty shocked that the wife and I are still the wife and I after 22 years.

17) I love my wife and kids more than I let on sometimes.

18) Will I ever NOT love pizza?

19) I don’t look like I’m getting older. Why the hell does everyone else?

20) Is there a forty year old on the planet that owns less tools and knows how to do less WITH those tools than me? I’m pretty sure 1doh could run circles around me building a birdhouse.

21) Same goes for cars and car maintenance. I’m pretty sure I could cure cancer before I could change my own oil. Is that healthy?

22) When does one begin taking Geritol? What does it do anyway?

23) Should I concern myself with the farm report, rainfall amounts or titty bars?

24) I am constantly surprised and yet not surprised at all by the stupidity AND the kindness of strangers.

25) I am more conservative politically than I was at 30.

26) I am more disgusted with the republican party than I was at 30.

27) I’d like to start taking my kids to early season Auburn Football games so they experience that in person.

28) I want to teach my kids to do more things than I was taught to do.

29) Is your 40th birthday literally the last day it’s remotely acceptable to drink beer(s) via a funnel and some rubber tubing?

30) I have far few friends at 40 than I had at 20 or 30.

31) I have far better friends at 40 than I do at 20 or 30, and I value them more than I did then as well.

32) I am far closer to my family than I thought I would ever be.

33) I regret the time lost in my life due to my stubborn nature and my short-sightedness.

34) I am about 70-75% comfortable in my own skin and about who I am.

35) I’d like to learn more about macro and global economics so I can be more educated when I vote, invest and bitch about stuff.

36) I always regretted not ending up with a cool nickname.

37) Despite being told for years that your taste buds change and that "someday you’ll like asparagus/broccoli/cauliflower/any bean that isn’t a green bean/any other awful vegetable," I don’t think I ever will.

38) I wonder how my parents (all of them) do what they do at 20+ years older than me. My knees and ankles hurt like fuck when I get up every day as it is.

39) I look forward to turning 50 WAY more than I did yesterday.

40) PAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!