Archive for June 15th, 2008

15
Jun

Devious Minds

One of the many things kids miss out on today due to video games, the internet and girls that start putting out at age twelve is practical jokes and pranks.

I mention this because my neighbors went out of town this weekend and we were tasked with keeping an eye on Gilbey, the fun but sometimes annoying schnauzer.

When I was getting ready to go to their house Saturday morning, GBD gave me the garage code:

BAMA

Being an Auburn household, I smiled and said "well, it won’t be that for long," and I headed down the street.

Since the keypad opener thingy is 11 years old, finding programming instructions for it took a while. But I did find them. And I changed the code (it was limited to being four characters) to TGRS.

After I told my BIL and his 12-year-old about it, we started brainstorming some other ideas for pranks we could do to the out of towners, or anyone else we knew for that matter. I thought it might be a fun summer if we pulled a few pranks that didn’t result in permanent damage or human waste (i.e. saran wrap over the toilets, etc).

So when the homeowners returned, I handed them the list of things we came up with that we COULD have done, so they don’t feel nearly as bad about the door code (which I didn’t change. I reluctantly gave it to them and said that I’d tell them how to change it in a week). The funny part was, before I went down to see them, GBD was talking to them and laughing when they asked for the code and she left them by saying "I’ll give you a hint…it’s four letters."

I tell you all of that to tell you this. last night, several of the neighbors were over for some beer, rack of lamb and some fellowship, and we started talking about the pranks again. I was also talking about public pools and my disdain for the urine-water ratio, but further that I always made sure I was holding one of my kids when I was peeing in the pool, just in case they finally have a chemical that will actually turn the water purple if it detects urine.

Editor’s note. This part assumes that you had a friend or neighbor with their own pool growing up, and their moms were constantly telling you not to pee in the pool since there was a chemical in the pool that would turn purple if it touched urine . Now back to the story.

That’s when my neighbor Superios started laughing and said "We should just palm one of those liquid food coloring bottles, walk up behind someone that’s in the water, dump it in, and after the water starts turning, start pointing and loudly yelling "Holy crap!! That guy’s peeing in the pool!!"

And my someone, we mean someone we all know and would make fun of forever and a day.

How freaking great an idea is THAT?

And I think the added benefit would be that it would scare the shit out of all the kids that were peeing in the pool at that time.

Anyway, happy pranking everybody. I welcome comments or prank suggestions that we can try out during the summer.

15
Jun

Nine things I hate about cell phones and the people that use them

I recently read that approximately 80ish percent of Americans have cell phones. That’s over 200 million people. That is an absolute shit pot of dumbasses mixed in with your responsible users. In honor of that, here is my list of the top ten nine most annoying things about mobile phones.

9) Those fucktards that use the speakerphone in public, in the office, etc. Seriously people. I don’t want or need to hear you yapping your ass off everywhere. Not every phone is a Nextel, nor should it be treated as such.

8) A corollary to number nine. Those idiots that use the speaker and talk into the bottom of the phone and hold it like it’s one of the tri-corder things from Star Trek. This just in peeps. IT’S A PHONE!!! If you hold it up to your ear and talk into it like a regular phone, it works just fine.

7) The jawbone ear thingies are not jewelry. They are a phone accessory. If you wear one walking around the mall, at the movies, in the grocery store, or anywhere else but while in your office or your vehicle and you’re not talking on it, everyone is laughing at you.

6) The jawbone is stupid. The only thing worse than walking around not talking on one is walking around actually talking on one. I use it in the car, and only if I think about it. Except for the wired headsets where people are holding the talky thing right up a millimeter from their mouth. Or better, the asian guy I saw at the grocery store who had that wire going up and over his left ear, across his upper lip and across to his other ear. I call it the nerdy sanchez.

5) The only ringtones that are NOT gay are songs. and I think it has to be something cool like AC/DC "For those about to rock," and it has to be live. One exception is the sonar pinger thingy I use for mail. That rocks.

4) The fact that every person over ten has one. Remember when cell phones were for emergencies? Remember when we carried pagers and had to find a pay phone? Now, you can see a pack of a dozen pre-teens walking at the mall, and half of them are texting or talking. I mean, when did it become mandatory for a 6th grader to have something that costs $50-$100 a month or more? What is so urgent that Austin and Amber can’t just wait until their done shoplifting pens and smoking in the parking lot behind Bed, Bath and Beyond?

3) People with blackberry devices that text people with blackberry devices. Hey guys. You both work for the same company. USE THE FUCKING EMAIL!! Text messages are fifteen cents a piece and emails are free. You are literally just pissing away money.

2) Non-standard chargers. Why is this such a difficult concept. Every company that makes peripherals for pc’s makes a USB connection. Why on earth don’t the companies that make the phones just switch to USB? I must have forty five chargers with various plugs in the drawer of old phone technology upstairs.

1) A mobile phone isn’t a status symbol. It doesn’t make you cool or important or anything but rude if your use of it is holding me up in any way. Like if you are busy talking about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson in the express line at Kroger INSTEAD OF FILLING OUT YOUR FUCKING CHECK ALREADY!!!




 

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