Functionally ReTodded

I recently read that approximately 80ish percent of Americans have cell phones. That’s over 200 million people. That is an absolute shit pot of dumbasses mixed in with your responsible users. In honor of that, here is my list of the top ten nine most annoying things about mobile phones.

9) Those fucktards that use the speakerphone in public, in the office, etc. Seriously people. I don’t want or need to hear you yapping your ass off everywhere. Not every phone is a Nextel, nor should it be treated as such.

A corollary to number nine. Those idiots that use the speaker and talk into the bottom of the phone and hold it like it’s one of the tri-corder things from Star Trek. This just in peeps. IT’S A PHONE!!! If you hold it up to your ear and talk into it like a regular phone, it works just fine.

7) The jawbone ear thingies are not jewelry. They are a phone accessory. If you wear one walking around the mall, at the movies, in the grocery store, or anywhere else but while in your office or your vehicle and you’re not talking on it, everyone is laughing at you.

6) The jawbone is stupid. The only thing worse than walking around not talking on one is walking around actually talking on one. I use it in the car, and only if I think about it. Except for the wired headsets where people are holding the talky thing right up a millimeter from their mouth. Or better, the asian guy I saw at the grocery store who had that wire going up and over his left ear, across his upper lip and across to his other ear. I call it the nerdy sanchez.

5) The only ringtones that are NOT gay are songs. and I think it has to be something cool like AC/DC "For those about to rock," and it has to be live. One exception is the sonar pinger thingy I use for mail. That rocks.

4) The fact that every person over ten has one. Remember when cell phones were for emergencies? Remember when we carried pagers and had to find a pay phone? Now, you can see a pack of a dozen pre-teens walking at the mall, and half of them are texting or talking. I mean, when did it become mandatory for a 6th grader to have something that costs $50-$100 a month or more? What is so urgent that Austin and Amber can’t just wait until their done shoplifting pens and smoking in the parking lot behind Bed, Bath and Beyond?

3) People with blackberry devices that text people with blackberry devices. Hey guys. You both work for the same company. USE THE FUCKING EMAIL!! Text messages are fifteen cents a piece and emails are free. You are literally just pissing away money.

2) Non-standard chargers. Why is this such a difficult concept. Every company that makes peripherals for pc’s makes a USB connection. Why on earth don’t the companies that make the phones just switch to USB? I must have forty five chargers with various plugs in the drawer of old phone technology upstairs.

1) A mobile phone isn’t a status symbol. It doesn’t make you cool or important or anything but rude if your use of it is holding me up in any way. Like if you are busy talking about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson in the express line at Kroger INSTEAD OF FILLING OUT YOUR FUCKING CHECK ALREADY!!!