Functionally ReTodded

First, I’d like to say that if this isn’t the greatest post in the history of the worldwide interweb, I blame…well, anyone but me.

You see, I wrote a freaking awesome blog entry after spending weeks mired in a funk of non-blogging. But this one broke the ice. I spent the entire day waiting to read / hear some commentary about my posting awesomeness.

Instead, I got silence. Is it possible that I’m not as hilarious and brilliant as I thought I was? Of course THAT can’t be the problem. I will now attempt to reproduce my brilliance. ********************************************************************

This weekend is Mother’s Day. It is also one of my favorite times of the year.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself, "FRT, why would that be? You like sports and beer and eating, and none of those things have anything to do with Mother’s Day," and you would be right.

Is it because I get the chance to honor the woman I’ve loved for all of my adult life and that I’ve been married to for sixteen years as of today?

Is it because I get the chance to thank that woman for being the greatest mother to our children that I could have ever hoped for and more?

Is it because I get a chance to honor the many mothers (mine and other people’s) that played key roles in me becoming the person I am today?

Nah. It’s none of those things.

My favorite part of the Mother’s Day season is the jewelry commercials on the radio. Here are a couple of examples:

"Show your mom you care with a pearl necklace."

"Nothing says ‘I love you mom’ quite like a pearl necklace."

"Have your kids give their mom a pearl necklace to show how much they love her."

I shit you not people. I nearly have to pull over to avoid wrecking by the Thursday prior to Mother’s Day.

On a slightly tangential topic, I have a question. Besides guys named Rod Rammer, Buck Naked or Miles Long, who has the nerve to pull off that move? Seriously. Imagine the conversation. "Hey honey, I’ve enjoyed making love to you tonight. How about we tie a nice little bow around the event by me ejaculating all over you and hopefully not hitting you in the face with it?"

Seriously? Who says yes to that.

Now, I’ve had participated in some similar experiences that weren’t quite that bad. I’ve given:

pearl thigh (I was young and very excited)

pearl shower curtain pearl

hotel drapes

pearl striped tube sock

pearl handful of tissues

pearl jesus I think that hit the dresser

pearl car seat

pearl sofa

pearl someone else’s sofa

pearl subway bench

pearl Blimpie’s bench

Well, I think you get the point. Anyway, happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there. Here’s hoping you don’t get any in your eyes or in your hair.