Functionally ReTodded

An open letter to my former boss:

Dear Dan,

The weirdest thing happened the other night. I had a dream about you.

I dreamed that I used to love my job, and mostly because I never had to have anything to do with you. You were free to come and go as you pleased because our old boss traveled alot. I dreamed that you could come in late, take two hour beer-soaked lunches and be drunk at work, and then leave at 4pm and no one ever said anything to you. But then we sold Regent and you became my boss, and that’s when my joy ended.

I dreamed that you were hideously unprofessional. I dreamed that you were a racist and told me stories about car accidents where you hit a black lawyer and you just couldn’t believe you had hit a black lawyer. I dreamed that you actually used the N word to me and around me on many occasions. I dreamed that you stole vacation days under a variety of weak cover stories.

Further, and sadly, I dreamed you were immature, had a volatile temper and were abusive. I dreamed that you threatened me verbally and physically on several occasions. I also dreamed that you got really hammered at a party hosted by a co-worker and had to sleep on a leather couch at his house, but only after a pathetic and indignant display where you were sure you should drive home.

I dreamed that you went to a company function after I left where you actually dumped a pitcher of water over a co-workers head in an effort to get her to show you her bikini…IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND!

But here’s the funny part.

I dreamed that shortly before my last day, I happened to be in the office on a Friday evening after a baseball game. I had been wearing the same clothes all day and sweating all day and walking to and from my car which was pretty far from turner field and during the game I had been sitting and sweating for hours.

I dreamed that I felt kind of dirty and wanted to clean up a bit.

I dreamed that I took the foam piece that covered your mouthpiece on your headset and put it on my index finger.

I dreamed that I then went into the conference room, pulled down my pants and my boxers and proceeded to thoroughly clean both the inside and outside of my anus with said piece of foam. And just to be safe, I dreamed that I also took the foam earpiece and thoroughly cleaned my taint again and gave some thorough wipes to the backside of my testicles.

So basically I dreamed that you had spent the year since my resignation talking into and probably touching - WITH YOUR MOUTH - a piece of foam that was more intimate with my asshole and its surroundings than any object has ever been.

Thanks for everything.  I hope you had a great year.

FRT