Functionally ReTodded

Not sleeping worth a shit. Night sweats are getting worse. 2doh is sick (again) and producing snot at a rate that is dumbfounding and near-vomit inducing. 3doh has gone from nearly sleeping thru the night to getting up three or four times and screaming bloody farking murder if you try to lay him down in his crib, on the floor, or even a dumpster behind the Quickie Mart.

Sorry. I was obviously kidding there. I’d never put him on the floor.

The wife’s getting hammered at work and the kids are nuts. The second she picks up the phone, everyone wants to talk and the second she isn’t on a work call, everybody wants to crawl back into the vajayjay from whence they came.

If by some act of God 3doh has gotten any meaningful and continuous sleep, the others won’t. If the others sleep until 8am, he’s up at 4:30am, and that’s almost always called Saturday or Sunday.

The eldest is continuing on her quest to never wear panties, saying “they go up my bum,” and it’s driving me batshit crazy. Our family is many things. A house full of commandos we are not. We may drink too much, play pull my finger, worship too little and eat too much but we will never ever be people that don’t wear underwear outside of the house.

And how, you might ask, does she protest wearing her underwear?

As soon as you turn your back, she goes inside her pants with both hands and pulls down her panties to about mid-thigh.

Now, those of you without kids may think this odd or difficult to detect. But my 1doh is a string bean and she wears those pocketless kid pants that aren’t jeans, so it’s pretty easy to see that either she’s pulled her panties down again or she has shit an innertube that’s grown around her body.

So I say, “Pull up your underpants.” She grimaces and pulls them up, but most of the time, like this morning, when I leave the room to warm up the car or go get coffee, I come back to find the telltale wad around her thighs.

Again I say “PULL UP YOUR UNDERPANTS!”

Same look. Same result. I think she does it as soon as she’s on the bus too. Like the girls in high school that left home looking angelic but, by the time they got to school were dressed and made up like whores.

You might be asking yourself “Hey. Why doesn’t this dumbass try some other kinds, sizes, styles, etc?”

First of all, fuck you. Don’t you think I’ve thought of that? She is a size fivish gal. 42 pounds of defiance. I’ve tried size four, size five and size six. I’ve bought her bikini cut, brief cut, lowrise, brief, granny, and even a sort of boxer-brief cut. I’ve gone in and cleaned off and endcap of panties, and considering our Orwellian times, you can bet that my name’s on some fucking list as a 39 year old dood buying little girl’s panties by the armful.

We’ve threatened to let her wear only dresses. We’ve threatened punishment. We’ve promised gifts. Nothing works. And I’m on the verge of being recognized as a non-registered sex offender.

Please help…