Heath Ledger died yesterday of an overdose. My wife told me when I got home. Since I was working in my storage room the last few hours of the day and no longer listen to terrestrial radio on the way home, this snippet of news escaped me for a few hours.
First, let me point out that Heath Ledger’s death won’t have any effect on my life or me. I mean, I’m not happy about it, but I’ll probably forget about it as soon as I see something shiny out of the corner of my eye. And as it turns out, when my wife told yesterday, a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal showed up in my head, which means I had my gay cowboy movie actors confused.
Which brings me to today’s rant.
Remember recently I discussed a documentary I saw about “Reverend” Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church (A.K.A. The tacky ass faux wood paneled basement where he and his inbred retard family get together and express their homophobia together and poison the limited minds of the younger generations of Phelps’ family).
Mr. Phelps is famous (mocked and laughed at) because virtually the entire platform upon which he screams is built on hatred for homosexuals and blaming bad things on homosexuals. He uses his fear of gay people as an excuse to stand at the funerals of fallen American soldiers and scream his idiocy while carrying brightly colored (some might even go so far as to say GAYLY colored) signs with brilliant and thought provoking phrases like “God hates fags Romans 9:13” or “AIDS kills fags dead” or “No tears for queers” and many others.
Now, I will go on record saying I am not a Bible Scholar. I might not be able to pick the bible out of a pile of books on a table. But I am willing to bet my life, home, family and the future of the planet that the book of Romans Chapter 9 verse 13 does not say “God hates fags.”
Oh look. I Googled Romans 9:13 and it said “As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.” Now I have no idea what that means, but I don’t see anything about God hating fags. But he doesn’t apparently hate dudes with weird names like Esau. I even clicked on the link for Esau (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/05527c.htm) and, although there were a lot of words, I didn’t see anything about God hating fags.
Unless of course they mean that God hates the British word for cigarettes, which I can believe. I mean, smoking is supposed to make you look cool and get chicks, and that’s tough to do when you are at a bar walking around asking everyone “Hey, can you spare a fag?” or “Hey, where do I have to go to get a fag in my mouth?” or “Man, I sure would love to suck on a fag.” You see what I mean.
So now it seems that the Westboro Baptist Church is planning to protest the funeral of Heath Ledger.
Why? Oh that’s easy. It’s because Ledger accepted a role to play a homosexual cowboy in a movie and because said role made him a fag enabler. Oh and I guess to a lesser extent because Hollywood is full of gay, pot-smoking hippies. And Jews.
Here’s a statement from the Westboro Baptist Church (from a flyer that appears to have been printed on a mimeograph machine like the kind you got in school and would sniff the ditto until you were very high):
“Heath Ledger thought it was great fun defying God Almighty and his plain word; to wit: God Hates Fags! & Fag Enablers! Ergo, God hates the sordid tacky, bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as ‘Brokeback Mountain’ - and He hates all persons having anything whatsoever to do with it.
Heath Ledger is now in Hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there - beside which, nothing else about Heath Ledger is relevant or consequential.”
Now, all of that hate and ignorance aside, I love the fact that Reverend Phred speaks FOR GOD when he says that God hates “the sordid tacky, bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ “
Tacky, bucket of slime seasoned with vomit? Wow.
And I thought I was a visionary in college when I uttered the following phrase when asked if I was interested in doing something quite unappealing:
I’d rather lick the vomit off a lollipop turd.”
Not bad eh?
Maybe the RevPhred has been plagiarizing some of my old works.
So now we get to spend a week with Fred and the Phelpsians being on television and the gossipy Hollywood shows spouting idiocy and somehow linking Brokeback to a roadside IED in Iraq.
Of course that means that Phelps and company would have to get their hate and giant signs to Australia for the funeral. Considering Phelps seldom leaves his own time zone, I would think that a trip down under could be traumatic and very expensive for the cash-strapped worshippers.
Plus, if you factor in that the water goes down the drain backwards and there are egg-laying mammals there and people with funny accents, I’m pretty sure that God hates Australia and the he has cursed the entire island/country/continent. Then the next thing you know he’ll say God hated the Crocodile Hunter and that’s why his holy ass kicker sent that Manta Ray to kill him.
Could be worse I guess. I could have to endure another 10 months of Hillary and Obama fighting like two drunken women in a trailer park.
Hey…wait a minute…
I assume that they would quote that verse for people who would say “God doesn’t hate anyone,” then here is example of where God hates someone.
I assume, because I barely have a handle on my beliefs, much less someone else’s, especially a nut job’s.
Or, in the immortal words of theologian Hank Williams (not either sequal)
“Minding other people business seems to be high tone,
I got all that I can do a mindin’ my own.”
These scumbags showed up at the funeral for a mother and 4 children who were killed by a drunk driver near Toledo on Dec. 30. This group said the family DESERVED IT!! WTF kinda reasoning is THAT? None that I can see, so doing this for a percived “fag’ isn’t out of the ordinary for these people. I’m sure God is really proud of them-NOT!!