Functionally ReTodded

(For religious folks, my parents, people with sensitive constitutions and my parents, this is the warning label for this post.  If you decide to proceed, consider yourself duly warned that this topic may be uncomfortable…for you).

I’m 39.  I say that because I was a teen during the explosion of cable television and movie channels in your home.  If you’re not my age, you have no idea how big of a deal this was.  We went from having three network channels, Ted Turner’s fledgling WTCG Channel 17 (for wrestling and baseball) and one other UHF channel to having literally dozens of viewing options.

Then came cable.  And since I came from a family of TV watchers, we had all the movie channels:  HBO, The Movie Channel AND Cinemax.  (Skinemax for the enlightened).

After the wave of new channels, the second wave came in the form of late night, d-level soft-core porn films, as well as actual porn movies that were boxed or shot from different angles so as not to show all the “good stuff.”

From 7^th grade until, well, now, flipping thru the channels at 1:30am and stumbling across movies like “Emanuelle in Bangkok” or “Emanuelle in America” (apparently Emanuelle was VERY busy) was a highlight of your weekend.  Instead of flipping thru the old copies of Penthouse you would find in a box in the woods or behind a gas station, you were looking at a real live woman with boobies and everything that was apparently curious / horny / slutty / who cares.

Ask any guy that was in high school from 1976 thru 1986, and they will all tell you about finding these movies.  It was like seeing Haley’s comet.  With a boner.

These films led to the making of the shitty franchise movies of today (that made people like Paula Barbieri and that douchebag car salesman from survivor D-list  celebs) like “Hotel Erotica 5” and “Passion Cove 7” and “Vegas Erotica.”  (Apparently Erotica was busy like Emanuelle before her).

I forget if I mentioned this in my blog, but Tuesday night 3doh woke me for a feeding, and while feeding him and flipping around at 1:45am I stumbled across the three movies listed above on sequential channels.  I thanked the lad and gave him a wee-sized high five.

Wednesday night young PK awoke, once again hungry around 2am.  I turned on the TV and stumbled across this not terribly attractive chick taking a somewhat entertaining bath, then seeing a teenage boy walk into the bathroom and her inviting him to join her, which he did.  In his swim trunks.

That scene causes a déjà vu that nearly knocked me unconscious.  I hit info on the remote, and found this:

“Private Lessons (1981)

An immigrant housemaid seduces a 15-year-old boy and later fakes her own death as part of his chauffeur’s blackmail plot.  Trouble arises when the two start to fall in love.

Starring:  Sylvia Kristel, Ed Begley Jr., Howard Hesseman…”

Holy Crap!! Wait a minute!!! Howard Hesseman?  Johnny Fever from WKRP in Cincinnati fame?  Sweet Jebus.

And there he was.  Lester the chauffer was Howard Hesseman.  With hair.  In a Skinemax movie from my youth that I vividly remember now.

(I looked this up on IMDB and found that the immigrant housemaid was played by Sylvia Kristel - who starred in all of those Emanuelle movies mentioned above!!!  What a small world).

The girl is trying to seduce the kid, and when they finally go to “do it,” she mentions in passing that she has a “weak heart,” and during the event, she falls limp and lifeless, apparently having been fucked to death by this boy.

The boy panics, calls for Lester, and Lester goes to call the police but says he can skip that if the kid can give him ten grand.

Now, the kid lives in a HUGE house with a hot maid and a chauffer / limousine, and all they could think of was ten grand?  This wasn’t Hazel or Alice’s house.  This dood had Emanuelle doing his laundry!  Ten grand?  Jesus.  It’s amazing the things you miss when you’re 13 and have an erection.

Anyway, Ed Begley Jr. shows up as a cop, and I don’t really remember much after that.  It’s possible the loss of blood flow to my brain in favor of other places rendered my unconscious. 

That or I fell asleep when I was done just like I do today.

The world is a different place now.  With the internet you get films of people masturbating dolphins, doods screwing giant snakes, gorillas dancing while listening to Avril Levigne and 2 girls - 1 cup, so kids and their access to erotica is way different than it was when I was a lad.  I shudder to think how things will be when he’s in high school.  You’ll probably be able to order some made to order whore on E-whore or something like that.

Either way, it was a great thing to share a moment like that with my son.  It’s not like I could show him any of my old Penthouses from behind the gas station.  I threw all of those away.

This summer.