Functionally ReTodded

So I’m driving to work this morning, and as I am passing a car to my left, I notice it’s one of Gwinnett County’s finest. He ducks in behind me and we both head for the turn lane to head toward the highway.

As soon as we turn left, he hits the lights. I look around and, realizing that he’s not passing me and that it’s me he’s eyeballing, I gesture forward to the gas station that is up ahead and where I plan to pull over.

I’m sitting there thinking “What the fuck did I do? Drive too slow? Oh shit. He must have seen my iPod headphones. Is that even illegal?”

While this is going thru my head and whilst I am carefully removing my earbuds and pausing “The Sports Guy’s podcast,” the qbeam hits me in the eye. I am now rolling down the driver’s side window and hanging my left hand out the window. I don’t take chances. Both hands out the window and I don’t reach for anything until the cop is there watching.

So this guy is doing the stand back and to the left and says “I need to see your driver’s license,” to which I reply “It’s on the passenger floorboard in my bag. I am going to reach for the bag now.”

(I’m not kidding, by the way. I do not fuck with the po-po. Save the editorial shit for court).

He takes my license and says “You know you’re tag is expired…right?”

(internal sigh followed by some expletives as the wife and I had discussed this a few weeks ago).

“Yes,” I reply.  “I’m aware.”

Then he says “You know they expire on your birthday, and yours expired in July.  That red tag on your plate is like a beacon to pull you over.”

(Yes, asshole.  I know when my birthday is).  “Yes sir.  My wife and I talked about it.  I thought she’d paid them, but that’s no excuse.  I will take care of it today.”

So off he goes to his car to write me a ticket, which I deserve.  I know it.  Let’s move along.

He comes back, gets me to sign and explains the “Here’s your court date.  The fine’s $125 bucks.  Wait five days and call this number to pay, or show up at the courthouse on this date.”

Then he says “You know that you can be ticketed any time you are driving this vehicle on a public road with an expired tag, right?”

“Even though you already gave me this ticket?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.  “You could be pulled over a mile from here and ticketed again.”

“You’re not gonna do THAT, are you?” I asked.

Silence.

(Fuck you fucker).  Okay then.  I’ll pay it today.  Sorry officer.

Then he waits.  I buckle up again, pull around the Chevron, and there he waits again.  I pull out, and he gets on the road behind me, and then follows me on to the highway.

I’m looking in the mirror thinking “I swear to God, if you pull me over again on the way to work for this, I’m going to jail because I will assault you with smartassery and my superior wit and intellect.”

He passed me about three miles later.  I resisted the urge to indicate that I thought he was number one.