Functionally ReTodded

A couple of current events have caught my eye recently, and one story just stays in the news and gets better and better and better.

Let me start with the hilarious tiger attack in San Francisco.

What?  You don’t think it’s hilarious that two people were killed and another mauled by a tiger on the loose? 

I respectfully disagree, and for a number of reasons.

First off, there is an old saying that my dad mentions from time to time.  It normally applies to elephants (meaning it gets trotted out every time some hick town invites the circus and Dumbo the abused elephant goes on a clown-stomping rampage), but it goes like this:

Do you know how they keep the elephants in those pens at the zoo?

Simple.  The elephants haven’t decided to leave yet.

I’d say the same could apply for the big cats, orangutans, gorillas, and other strong or large beasts.

You see, everyone just assumes because there’s some lexan or a fence between you and these magnificent creatures that nothing bad can happen.  And based on that, some people (like the douche bags in this story are alleged to have been doing) taunt and provoke the animals in the enclosures, sort of like when a toddler taps on a fish tank at Wal-Mart to see the fish scatter.  It’s not nice, but it seems pretty harmless at Wal-Mart.  With guppies.

Try doing that to a 300 pound carnivorous feline that is being held against his will, possibly bored, and maybe even sexually frustrated, and what you get is some teenagers who got what was coming to them in a manner of speaking.

The second part I found hilarious was the police investigation.  Especially since the tiger had already been shot dead.  I mean, how on earth could the homicide dicks interview the cat and coax a confession out of her if she was dead?  That doesn’t even work on “Law & Order: SVU.”

Plus, it’d have been tough for the cat to have an alibi, what with his fur and paws and mouth covered in the blood of the “victims” and the fact that he was shot while gnawing on one of the youths.

Now on to the biggest story of the end of the year.  Rumors are swirling around Doctor Phil’s Mother of the Year nominee (Lynn Spears) and her brood.  It seems that their story about “how” pregnant Jamie Lynn is and who the baby daddy be might be a little on the fake side.

For those of you that don’t know, the Spears camp released their statement (meaning sold their story) to some tabloid, then agreed to give them dibs on the ultrasound pictures of blessed angel and miracle borne of the never-ending love of JL and her boyfriend, whom she met at church.  (For a million bucks of course).

Well now it seems that JL and the boyfriend (who was JUST close enough to JL in age to avoid statutory rape charges (which I didn’t even know they had in Louisiana), have broken up.

It also seems that the initial story alleging her pregnancy in October might have been true.  And the actual bad part is that there are rumors flying that the father is actually one of the executive producers of her tv show. 

Since I’m pretty sure that there aren’t many fifteen year old Executive Producers at Nickelodeon, I’m gonna assume that this story is about to get REALLY bad, since you have the following:

A girl who is pregnant at 16 (and barely 16 at that).

A mother that made up a story and effectively covered for a child rapist.

A mother that sold the rights to prenatal pictures of the offspring of a sexual assault to a tabloid.

A mother allowing a 16 (and younger when she started) year old girl to work on a television set where an adult male had more than proper “access” to a minor.

Wow.  It’s gonna be a very happy New Year in Cajun Ville.

But the other thing I’m looking forward to is how they and Linda Ellerby spin this into a good thing when they bring the issue of teen pregnancy to the forefront on Nick at night.  (I have to assume this won’t run during breakfast).

And for the record, I only spent about an hour browsing JLS’s official website:

http://www.jamielynnspears.com/main.html

Although there are a bunch of “Hey y’alls” and I’s dotted with hearts and shit like that, there’s no mention of being pregnant, hemorrhoids, statutory rape, or anything else.  I even read the part that said “Diary,” and it didn’t talk about anything except stupid kid shit.  Go figure.

This reminds me of the disgusting Nancy Kerrigan story.  You may not have heard about it since she flopped in the Olympics while it was happening, but the man that had been her manager since she was like 12 and was about 30 years older than her and married when their “relationship” started, married Kerrigan and got her pregnant a few times.

It’s gotta make you feel good if you’re mama and poppa Kerrigan (who are blind by the way) and the guy you’ve given 10-20 percent of your meal ticket’s earnings to has been giving your underage daughter the high hard one, huh?