Archive for November, 2007

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »
14
Nov

Anybody got the number for DFACS?

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment
Categories: 1Doh, Blog, Functionally ReTodded and GBD

Over the last few weeks, 1doh has been saying “What?” all the time.  I mean all the freaking time.  I have been asking for years that she say “Pardon me” in the event that she doesn’t hear someone, as it turns out my parents were right.  It’s fucking annoying when your kids don’t listen and then just keep looking at Spongebob on the tube and continue to ignore you and say “Huh?” or “What?” over and over and over again.

The reason the “What?” and the general not doing what we say is annoying is that 1doh is perfect at school.  Seriously.  She obeys, listens, participates, helps, etc.  So we figured she was just doing this at home.

This weekend, we were all watching Saturday morning television and 1doh kept saying “Turn up the TV daddy.”

I said “No.  It’s already too loud and too annoying.”

Oh, and more than once we’ve said “Maybe we should take you to the doctor to get your hearing checked,” more as a threat than out of any real concern.

Later, after another bout with ignoring my orders to clean up the den, I went to her and said “I just don’t understand.  You obey at school, yet here it’s like mommy and I are invisible.”

Then Sunday, she looked at GBD and said “Mommy, I think I’m losing my hearing.”

Uh oh.

Fast forward to yesterday’s pediatric appointment for a hearing test.  Thanks to repeated ear infections and un-purged eustacean tube fluid, Lauren’s hearing currently measures at about 50% of what it should be.

So, two prescriptions to help get rid of the fluid and ease drainage later, and she’s already hearing better.  She told me so this morning.

My wife called me on the way home from the doctor to tell me the results and the cause.  I told her I would be late getting home from work, as I had to stop and buy 1doh a pony.

p.s. Based on past history, I’m pretty sure that when one (or all) of my kids comes to me complaining about not being able to see well, I will probably just wait until one of them walks into traffic or gets hit in the face with a frisbee like the ‘tard in the Howard Stern movie.

Happy parenting everybody!

09
Nov

The four things meem

By Functionally ReTodded 2 Comments
Categories: Meems

I am not sure I’ve done this one before, so here goes…

 

Four things about me you may or may not know MEEM

                                                                      

 

Four jobs I have had in my life:

 

I’d like it noted that I’ve had somewhere in the neighborhood of 27-28 jobs, so there are a lot to choose from.  I am going to list the ones that amuse me or might amuse you.

 

1)    Swenson’s Ice cream - Illegal and underage below minimum wage employee on weekends for a neighbor.  I frequently helped myself to pockets full of gumballs (used for the bubble gum ice cream) and those wafer / cookie things they stuck in the Sundays.  YUMMY!

2)    Fuddruckers – During my tenure there, I worked while high on a bottle of robitussen (it was all the rage in the mid 80’s), worked drunk on a Friday after splitting a bottle of Jack Daniels with my friend Hoss, sneaking screwdrivers in the walk-in cooler and ultimately having Hoss fire me while I was taking a shit.

3)    Bargaintown (Opelika, AL) – The only thing worse than working at Bargaintown would have been death, and I’m not sure death would have been much worse.  Just imagine folks putting 25 dollar radios on layaway.  For six months.  I saw people literally make layaway payments with change.  Ugh.

4)    SSL Americas – Makers of Durex condoms and other stuff, I had the pleasure of working with some great people for seven years and then working for the biggest fucking unethical and slimey douchebag on the planet.  Hey duckweed, since you are 55 and have recently gotten tattoos of a hammerhead shark and a lobster, what’s next?  Sea cucumber?  Mollusk? 

 

Four movies I could watch over and over

 

1)    Shawshank Redemption

2)    Office Space

3)    Wedding Crashers

4)    Field of Dreams

 

Four places I have lived:

 

1)    Anoka, Minnesota

2)    Auburn, Alabama

3)    Mission Viejo, California

4)    Suwanee, Georgia

 

Four TV shows that I watch:

 

1)    Survivor

2)    Football of any kind, including European

3)    Racing of any kind

4)    My Name Is Earl

 

Four places I have been:

 

1)    Cancun, Mexico

2)    Boston, MA

3)    Sandals, Royal Bahamian

4)    Chicago, Il

 

Four unique activities in unique places that you’ve participated in:

 

1)    Opening day at Wrigley Field in 1996.

2)    The first interleague baseball game at Fenway Park between the Braves and the Red Sox

3)    Game seven of the 1992 NLCS

4)    The first Auburn-Alabama game played at Auburn in December of 1989.

 

Four of my favorite foods:

 

1)    A ribeye cooked on a Big Green Eggs

2)    My wife’s butter chicken

3)    My dad’s leg of lamb.

4)    Chik-Fil-A (The number one large)

 

Four places I would rather be right now

 

1)    home

2)    sailing (just kidding.  Stupid bumper stickers).

3)    Boston, MA

4)    Hilton Head, SC

 

Four people I think will respond to this:

 

1)    My wife

2)    My Dad

3)    My mom

4)    My other mom

 

Things I am looking forward to this year:

 

1)    The redneck heptathalon (Bimini Ring, Horseshoes, Texas Horseshoes, Ladder Golf and the mailbox game).

2)    Lauren graduating from kindergarten and starting first grade.

3)    Having an anvil dropped on my head by Sophia

4)    Patrick’s first words.

 

Now, hit reply, delete my answers, fill in your own, and send it to a bunch of people.

09
Nov

You won’t accept someone’s tongue in your mouth, but you’re gonna eat that?

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment
Categories: 1Doh, 2Doh, 3Doh, Blog and Functionally ReTodded

So today I’m sitting at my desk, planning my afternoon to the nth degree. The Dell repair guy was on his way to fix a few laptops and my backup tape guy was on the way to pickup some tapes for off-site storage and I was in the middle of ordering about 20 Blackberries and aircards, etc.

And then the wife called and said she was dropping 2doh and 3doh off at poppy and mawmaw’s house and surprising 1doh by showing up to have lunch with her.

I thought for a second and said “Why not? I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

So I headed out and met the old lady in the lobby and wandered back to 1doh’s classroom. She wasn’t there, as it was playground time.

The kids started piling into the room and it took her a good five or more seconds to notice the huge guy sitting in the one foot tall chair, but when she did, she ran over to me and jumped in my arms and gave me a huge hug. She didn’t even notice her mother. (High five).

Anyway, 1doh was VERY excited, as was I. I hadn’t eaten a school lunch in ages, but I’d seen the menus floating around our kitchen and figured “This has to be better than when I was in school.”

Plus, every day it was Pizza, Burgers, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese, chicken fingers, and plenty of other things I like.

Sadly, today must have been “Fuck you for surprising your kid for lunch without checking the menu day.”

Although the kids are required to take an entrée, two sides, a milk or water and a snack, parents can pretty much take whatever they want. If I wanted to, I could have just eaten a bunch of cheese, and then billed it to my kid’s account! I didn’t though.

Here were my choices:

 

Drink

Milk (chocolate, white and strawberry: all .05 percent fat. Blech. I got strawberry). At the register they said I could have gotten tea, but I was already green at that point.Entrée

- Nachos (little bag of corn chips with an icecream scoop of something that makes Taco Bell meat look Prime, as well as a tub of cheese).

- A ham and cheese wrap which I was in favor of…until I saw it.

- One of those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that you take out of the freezer at 7am that’s ready to eat by 11am.

Sides:

Rice with some crap in it (I assumed this was the default side with the nachos

Broccoli

Black olives

 

Snacks:

Some shitty fruit cup with pretty much peach slices in syrup

A bag of carrots.

Oh, but if I wanted to drop another seventy five cents, I could get an ice cream.

 

I got:

Bag o’ nacho chips + tub ‘ cheese + tub o’ mystery meat

Pile of rice stuff

The PB&J (just in case)

Strawberry water/milk.

Cost? Four dollars.

And no, I didn’t splurge on the ice cream. The shit I ate was about 1200 calories.

Was it worth it? Of course. I love spending time with one of my kids away from the other two. And they love it too. My girls are different people when the other one isn’t around whining and pushing and fighting and grabbing at them.

But to think that I had a free Chik-fil?A coupon in the car…

Maybe Monday.

08
Nov

Jeebus Aytch Christ!

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment
Categories: Blog and Functionally ReTodded

So yesterday I get home from work and, just like any other day, the wife and children are clean and formally dressed and waiting at the door in chronological order, with the wife holding the day’s newspaper, 1doh holding my slippers, 2doh holding the pipe that I don’t smoke, and 3doh has an ice cold Miller Lite balanced on his forehead.

Dinner was hot and just waiting for my arrival to be placed on the table, after which we would quietly and in chronological order, talk about our respective days.

Then I woke up and realized that I had fallen asleep at the table at Five Guys Burgers, face first in a bowl of complimentary peanuts, waiting for my order to be ready.

I  drove home and found my home, children and life in disarray, which is usually the case.

After dinner and baths for the chillins, we sat down for a few quiet pre-bedtime moments and the wife says to me “There’s been a recall on Aqua-Dots.”

I didn’t blink.  For weeks, months and seemingly years, we’ve been enduring product recalls thanks to those fucking Chinese who figure that lead is a staple for all consumer products, much in the same way America uses fats, Trans-fats and just plain calories.

For those of you that don’t watch commercials anymore, Aqua-dots are these stupid ass tiny colored BB things that kids struggle to put on some retarded Lite-Brite like template, spritz with water, and then the whole thing sticks together.  Oh, and the ones that don’t get into the template thingy find their way on to your floors, furniture and into your brand fucking new carpet.

Well, it turns out that some kids have been consuming the little colored pellets and getting sick, passing out, having seizures and dying.

Why?

Well you see, the powers that be in China apparently got tired of all the attention they were getting for making Dora and Elmo toys out of lead and plutonium and bat guano, so they decided to invent these evil little aqua-dots, and to make them better, they left out the lead and replaced it with:

The chemical equivalent of the date rape drug GHB.

What?  Are you kidding me?  There wasn’t enough paper mache and sticky rice, so the business-savvy Chinese resorted to making a children’s toy out of something with the word RAPE in the name?

I look at the wife and say “Well you KNOW 2doh has eaten a bunch of those things.  I mean, I didn’t see her do it but you know she did it.”

I then said “Did you check Snopes.com to make sure this isn’t some bullshit rumor?”

Her reply:  “I read it on Reuters.”

Ahh.  Well, to their credit, they aren’t exactly the national enquirer of news.  We’ll assume this is true.

So now I expect to spend the next 48 hours on my hands and knees looking for more of these fucking pellets which, by the way, I never would in a million years have allowed to be brought into our home.

Of course, there could be an upside.  If I find enough of them and carefully slip them into GBD’s Diet Sprites, I could be getting some seriously hot action off of my comatose wife by the weekend.

Pardon me.  I’m getting a little bit of a stiffy just thinking about it.

07
Nov

The gloves are off now!

By Functionally ReTodded 2 Comments
Categories: Blog and Functionally ReTodded

I would like to state for the record that I am officially angry with my wife.

Scratch that.  I’m not angry.  I am pissed.  I am beyond pissed.  I’m furious.

You might be asking yourself “Why are you angry with your spouse, best friend, mother of your children and all around great gal?”

I’ll tell you.

Because two years ago, we both walked into Best Buy to look at computers.  She got a laptop.  I got a desktop.

The bitch.

And what’s worse is that she’s been uber quiet over this entire time as it relates to how totally freaking awesome it is to have a home laptop.

See, here’s the deal.  Now that I’ve been hired on full time at company X (and before that to a certain extent), I am very careful to keep my work and home computing lives separate.  My old job had no real policies in place pertaining to use of my laptop outside of the office.

My new company however has very clear and concise rules about using my work computer for “personal reasons.”  I will lump watching someone masturbate a dolphin at Avitable’s site into the “personal use” category.

So as my hiring became iminent, I decided that as an investment in me and my career, I needed a laptop.  That of course was a semi-tough sell to the wife who already had a laptop.

But I was reasonable.  After all, it’s not like I need to do CAD design.  I send email, blog, play on my messageboard (and a couple other ones) and accidentally stumble across things that make me want to gouge my eyes out with a hot poker.

So I hit the Best Buy, then Circuit City, then Best Buy, then Sam’s, then Best Buy again and picked up the Acer Extensa 5620.  200GB HD, 1 GB of memory, a 15.4″ screen (I confirmed this by comparing it to my penis, and the laptop is roughly one inch thick), a few USB ports, and Windows Vista Home Premium.  It was the second cheapest model they carried and it will do all I need it to do, it weighs six pounds, and I couldn’t be happier.

So for the last two years of you keeping this much joy to yourself woman, I say PFFFFFFTTT!

Have a great day everybody.  I have to go look for pictures of Britney Spears’ vagina.  Oh, and did you know that socialite Paris Hilton apparently had relations with a man and it was taped and sold to the public, and that man is now married to Pam Anderson, who also made a sex tape with her then husband Tommy Lee that was also released for sale to the public?

Man, the internet is a whacky place.

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »

 

November 2007
S M T W T F S
« Oct   Dec »
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930  

Categories

Add to any service

Tags