Functionally ReTodded

Last night, roughly 2 hours after my post for the ladies, I was on a conference call with my boss and someone else.  The someone else dropped off the call, and it was just me and my boss.  We’re just talking away and collaborating on some stuff when suddenly, a little urge hits me.  I sit for a few seconds and realize “IKEA!!  I think I’m gonna poop finally!”

Then, the sense of joy is replaced by a sense of urgency.  I interrupt my boss and say “Hey, I gotta take care of something real quick.  Do you want to hold or should I call you back?”

He kind of ignored me, forcing me to tell an abbreviated version of the story, which resulted in a newly heightened sense of urgency. 

Finally, he says he’ll hold, and I start doing the perp walk toward the facilities with the sense of urgency increasing with every step I take. 

About 40 feet from the bathroom I have an epiphany that leaves me cold:

If both stalls are full, I have zero options.  I will at that point, without any doubt at all, shit my pants right where I stand.

I enter and thankfully both stalls, including the handicrapper (my favorite) are available.  I enter and have one of those moments where you are thankful you’re not wearing button fly jeans or you’d have shat yourself, and made it on to the seat.

And as I sat and began relieving the pressure, the seat slid about 20% off one side which nearly gave me a heart attack, as my fear of having my penis severed by a broken public toilet seat was about to come true.

But as luck and determination would have it, I managed to stop the sliding motion in time to save my penis and the humiliation of having to clean my waste off the floor, which is what would have happened if I’d slipped off the cruder mid-effort.

It took over 30 minutes to make the cramping stop, and I am happy to say that I now weigh 178 pounds.

I knew you’d be happy for me.