Functionally ReTodded

First of all, when it comes to eating badly, eating bad stuff, eating marginally okay to eat stuff, eating too much stuff, I’m a ninja.  And a superhero.  And a cowboy.  I am SuperNinjaBoy.  Nothing phases me gastointestinally.  Ever.  I’m like a clock.  (That last word was C-L-O-C-K for all you smartasses out there).

Anyway, women often envy me for the fact that regardless of how much cheese or greasy food or whatever I drink, I never ever have the Pepto Bismol moment.  I drop the kids off at the pool every day after work and in the mornings on the weekends.  My digestive system is good, sturdy and reliable.  Kind of like an owner-friendly 6 year old golden retriever.

And I often mock the ladies.  You people would never make it in the olden times.  Pooping several times a day, but only for seconds at a time.  I don’t understand how you can go from regular to SWEET JESUS I HAVE TO SHIT RIGHT NOW! in just five seconds.  Due to my fear of shitting at work, I’ve often held the urge from 7am until I got home 12 hours later.  It’s about discipline.

 Oh, and you often ask why dudes stay in the john for twenty minutes.  Well, the answer is simple.  We stay in there until we’re done.

So back to my admired crap chute.

This weekend or at least toward the end of last week, a very minor bug went thru the house and everyone was struggling a bit with the need to move their bowels more frequently than normal.  Me included.  Sunday afternoon GBD said “You really should take some immodium.  It works and you’ll feel better.”

Fine.  Then she looks at me and says “You probably oughta take two.”

Fast forward to what is now Thursday, and I haven’t muddied the water in over 96 hours.  I guarantee you that this is the longest I’ve ever gone without shitting in my life.  After my bypass, despite opiate-induced constipation, I still crapped sooner than this.  Quite frankly I think the seat and my read while shitting book of the month “Al Franken – Lies and the Liars that tell them” are missing me.  Even writing this now makes my lower GI region sad.

I sure hope I have to shit when I get home tonight.  Lord knows if I can’t go until tomorrow, the urge will hit will I’m in fucking Jonesboro where it’s 36 degrees and my only option is the dark portajohn outside of the high school stadium.   Blech.  I think I’d sooner shit my pants.

I just thought I’d share.  Thanks for listening.