So yesterday I get home from work and, just like any other day, the wife and children are clean and formally dressed and waiting at the door in chronological order, with the wife holding the day’s newspaper, 1doh holding my slippers, 2doh holding the pipe that I don’t smoke, and 3doh has an ice cold Miller Lite balanced on his forehead.
Dinner was hot and just waiting for my arrival to be placed on the table, after which we would quietly and in chronological order, talk about our respective days.
Then I woke up and realized that I had fallen asleep at the table at Five Guys Burgers, face first in a bowl of complimentary peanuts, waiting for my order to be ready.
I drove home and found my home, children and life in disarray, which is usually the case.
After dinner and baths for the chillins, we sat down for a few quiet pre-bedtime moments and the wife says to me “There’s been a recall on Aqua-Dots.”
I didn’t blink. For weeks, months and seemingly years, we’ve been enduring product recalls thanks to those fucking Chinese who figure that lead is a staple for all consumer products, much in the same way America uses fats, Trans-fats and just plain calories.
For those of you that don’t watch commercials anymore, Aqua-dots are these stupid ass tiny colored BB things that kids struggle to put on some retarded Lite-Brite like template, spritz with water, and then the whole thing sticks together. Oh, and the ones that don’t get into the template thingy find their way on to your floors, furniture and into your brand fucking new carpet.
Well, it turns out that some kids have been consuming the little colored pellets and getting sick, passing out, having seizures and dying.
Why?
Well you see, the powers that be in China apparently got tired of all the attention they were getting for making Dora and Elmo toys out of lead and plutonium and bat guano, so they decided to invent these evil little aqua-dots, and to make them better, they left out the lead and replaced it with:
The chemical equivalent of the date rape drug GHB.
What? Are you kidding me? There wasn’t enough paper mache and sticky rice, so the business-savvy Chinese resorted to making a children’s toy out of something with the word RAPE in the name?
I look at the wife and say “Well you KNOW 2doh has eaten a bunch of those things. I mean, I didn’t see her do it but you know she did it.”
I then said “Did you check Snopes.com to make sure this isn’t some bullshit rumor?”
Her reply: “I read it on Reuters.”
Ahh. Well, to their credit, they aren’t exactly the national enquirer of news. We’ll assume this is true.
So now I expect to spend the next 48 hours on my hands and knees looking for more of these fucking pellets which, by the way, I never would in a million years have allowed to be brought into our home.
Of course, there could be an upside. If I find enough of them and carefully slip them into GBD’s Diet Sprites, I could be getting some seriously hot action off of my comatose wife by the weekend.
Pardon me. I’m getting a little bit of a stiffy just thinking about it.
What say you?