Functionally ReTodded

I was going to throw this out to my messageboard peeps, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought, “Nope. This is too good. I should share my feelings on this with way more people than are at my messageboard. I mean, if I only put it there, how would my moms and two ex co-workers find out about it?”

And what story consumed me to the point that I had to share it here? Here’s the headline:

Police seek Nebraska teacher, 25, and 13-year-old boy

What’s actually funny or sad depending upon how you look at it is that when I read that headline, I wasn’t 100% sure whether this was some homosexual child predator jaunting around corn country planning out his Dr. Lecter fantasies or maybe some gym teacher (like a make believe guy named Buddy Ryan) who had been harassing some teenage girl and eventually took her out of school by force.

Luckily for us it was neither of these.

It seems that a fairly cute 25-year-old middle school teacher from Nebraska was being investigated for having an intimate relationship with a 13-year-old student over the past year. The pair have fled and are now attempting to elude authorities.

Here’s her picture.

(See? She’s not an ogre or anything. If I was 13, I’d probably hit it).

Anyway, the teacher is charged with kidnapping, child abuse and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Apparently this somewhat cute (but obviously retarded) soon to be former educator was dumb enough to engage in a volley of emails on her school-issued laptop where the two professed their love for one another. Repeatedly.

Whatever.

It also states that this woman may have given the lad a celly, unbeknownst to his parents (or family, since it was his aunt conveying this story to reporters), so she could speak with him covertly and probably talk him thru some marathon phone sex episodes.

My question is, what is the crime really? I’m fairly certain that she didn’t take him at gunpoint. He probably carried her fucking suitcase to the car for her and opened her door.

I’m also fairly certain that, if I’m him, the first call I make from the road is to my family so I can tell them to stop talking to the media and just to shut the fuck up. Can’t they see that I am clearly getting some action that is WAY better than getting some uncoordinated and probably horrible blow job in the back of a school bus, which is all the rage now from what I hear?

And I hear all of you nuts saying “OHHH. She’s an adult and he’s 13 so it’s bad.”

Blah blah blah.

This isn’t a male teacher stealing a 13 year old girl or boy and violating them in unspeakable fashion. It’s an immature 25 year old somewhat attractive woman in corn country who found a kid that she could train, and he’s getting more ass than a toilet seat. To me it sounds like a win win.

See, this is a “crime” based on the presumption that the lad and his 13 year old peers aren’t already chasing tail and nailing chicks already. And I assure you, they are doing both. If the kid had the stones to even make eye contact with the teacher, let alone put his pee pee in her hoo ha, you can bet it ain’t his first time at the fair.

So again I ask you, where is the crime?

Maybe he’s mature for his age. I know I’d feel pretty mature if I was on the run with some teacher and having sex in hotels rather than coat closets or the dugout at a local park or in the trunk of her car.

Imagine what his day is like, won’t you?

Wake up with morning wood, put it to good use, then go and wolf down all of the Fruit Loops from the continental breakfast in the Super 8’s lobby, along with plenty of orange juice and other fluids for replenishment.

Next, it’s off to the convenience store for snacks, maybe a couple of quarters worth of Ms. PacMan, then back to the hotel for a hand shandy in the shower.

Then they pack up, check out and hit the road where they drive around western Nebraska looking for the next place their gonna try the inverted piledriver.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Seriously, her biggest crime is that she might be letting him operate a motor vehicle without a license. I figure if she’s bold enough to “kidnap him,” she’ll probably let him drive so she can blow him in the car for another thrill. Unless you charge her with contributing to truancy since the lad’s missed a week of school.

And let’s revisit the word “kidnap.” To me, kidnapping is taking someone against their will and probably involves threats of violence and a weapon. I’m pretty sure it actually went down like this:

“Hey Fernando, you wanna blow off school for a few days, drive around Nebraska and screw me about six times a day?”

One nano-second later, I imagine he said “Si,” and that was about it.

So in review, we have a woman teaching a 13 year old how to not be a total spazz the first time he knocks boots with one of his classmates behind the dumpster at the Quick-Trip.

My question is, do you charge the teacher for CTTDOAM (contributing to the delinquency of a minor) again after Fernando nails some chick because he either uses or shows the little lady what he learned on the road?

Or do you charge HIM with CTTDOAM because, despite being the same age, he is clearly contributing to the girl’s delinquency since it’s unlikely she’d ever any tried any of the positions in the Kama Sutra before she met him?

In the end, I say that when they get found, which they will, we give her a stern talking to and line up his buddies and all of his male relatives for a high five parade and call it a day.

I know that’s how I’d want it to end if MY name was Fernando.