Presidential Job Application
Take this political survey
Full Name (minimum of 3 names required for the job) Functionally Re Todded
Age 39
Gender Male
Party affiliation Hell yeah!
Have you ever been arrested? Yep.
What for? Which time?
Served jail time? Define jail time…
Have you ever used drugs? Yep.
What drugs? Who are you? Mike Wallace?
Been convicted of drug possession? No. Never convicted.
Have you ever smuggled something illegal into the country? Only my awesome good looks.
Do you have a scandalous past? maybe.
Please explain no.
Personality/Beliefs/Values
What are your views on world domination? I am in favor of it.
Do you have any religious ideologies? No. organized religion is behind 99.99% of the world’s troubles.
How do you feel about trampling the rights of states within the US? I am agin it.
What about trampling the rights of other countries? Meh. That’s their problem.
Do you think any drugs should be legalized? yes.
Do you believe that you are always right? Of course.
Do you value the opinions of others? If they agree with me.
Are you able to admit when you are wrong? I am never wrong.
Do you believe that it is ok to go on vacation during a crisis? Sure.
Do you believe in the philosophy of screw the little guy? No. Screw the hot chick? Absolutely.
Do you believe it is the governments responsibility to take care of people? Hell no. I mean, besides me.
What are your views on the current state of the wellfare system? It’s horrific.
How do you feel about the current state of Social Security? Worse.
Do you believe that when you are old enough to collect you will be able to? Hell no.
What would you do to ease/solve the oil crisis? Make Iraq pay for our services.
Would you protect the environment? Sometimes.
Would you go to war with countries unprovoked? Yep.
Do you believe in eminent domain? Nope.
Who would you appoint to the Supreme Court? My BIL
How would you handle devastating natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina? I’d let people take turns shoving a broom handle up Ray Nagen’s ass.
Would you make your own decisions or what your parents wanted you to do? I’m my own man.
Would you travel in the black limos or incognito? Limos. It’s part of the job.
Now, on to your experience and qualifications
Have you ever declared war? Why? Yes. On ugly chicks.
Have you ever used nuclear force? Why? No. But I’ve used my powers of invisibility
Would you ever do either? Why? Both. Because it’s necessary.
Have you had an affair with your intern? of course not. (Needle jumping everywhere).
Do you have friends in low places to hide your secrets? all of my friends.
Do you have friends in high places to give you lots of money? Not nearly enough.
Have you ever had to lead a discussion? Sure.
Are you able to have a conversation without sounding like an idiot? Of course.
Do you stutter? Wh-wh-wh-why do you ask?
Do you use insensitive words in public like crusade and savage? Sure.
Do you have an IQ score about 25? times six.
Can you say the alphabet backwards? yes.
Have you ever been caught in a compromising situation? Nope. I never compromise.
Can you count with your shoes on and your hands in your pockets? Yes. to one.
Have you ever had someone taken care of? Yes.
Did you only marry your spouse because one of you was knocked up? No. Because she had awesome cans.
Do you have grey hair yet? Only on my anus.
Do you tend to shift blame onto people who cant defend themselves? Yes, especially if they aren’t around at the time.
Are you in oil and all thats associated with that? Yes.
Do you wear cowboy boots to work? Fuck no.
Can you sign your name quickly? Yep.
Can you spell your name correctly? As far as you know.
Are you able to sit in front of a phone and not push all the buttons? Never. Buttons are made for pushin’ just like nipples are made for tweakin’.
Do you know how to read? Huh?
Are you capable of having any independent thoughts? All the time.
Do you know what those are? Yes.
Do you believe in the freedom of speech? Yes. As long as you aren’t retarded.
Do you just want to take a huge crap on individuals civil rights? Nope. I want to take a huge crap though.
Do you believe that states are competant enough to make good decisions? No, but they’re better than the feds are at it.
Would you put your own picture on a new form of money? Yes.
Would you attack Canada for the fun of it? Fuck yes.
Would you deport all the illegals? All of them. Now.
Would you institute mandatory sterilization for stupid people? Of course.
Do you make babies cry? only when i flick their feet when no one’s looking.
Do you make old ladies cry? Yes. But only when I flick their feet when no one’s looking.
What say you?