Functionally ReTodded

My wife has a friend.  After subsequent e-chats, emails, talks and a visit to our home, I now consider her a friend as well.

Anyway, she and her husband have been having some issues.  No details here.  Just serious issues.  As a result, this friend has turned to my wife and myself for support, advice, comfort and even just to listen.

Then today, I get a call from a strange number on my work mobile phone.  I answer it, and it’s her husband.  For the sake of everyone’s privacy, let’s call him by his Indian name:  Little Pecker Pig Fucker.

So Little Pecker Pig Fucker says to me “I don’t appreciate you talking to my wife about our personal shit.”

I am befuddled.  I don’t know Little Pecker Pig Fucker personally.  I’ve never met him.  I’ve never even spoken to him.   So I say “Excuse me?”

He repeats himself. “I don’t appreciate you talking to my wife about our personal shit.”

This goes on a few more times and I finally say “Are you threatening me Little Pecker Pig Fucker?  Is that what you’re doing?  Are you going to get in your car and drive to Functionally ReTodded - ville and punch a 39 year old man?  Are you going to FLY to Functionally ReTodded - ville and punch me?  Are you?  Really?”

He replied (somewhat dimly) “This isn’t a threat.  I’m telling you not to talk to my wife about our personal shit.”

Little Pecker Pig Fucker isn’t very creative on the phone.  He must be way better in person.

So I say “Well Little Pecker Pig Fucker, let me say this.  I am friends with your wife, as is my wife.  We care about her well-being.  If she asks me a question or for an opinion or for advice or just to listen, I am going to do just what she asks of me.  I don’t know you.  I’ve never met you.  But I know that you would call a total stranger and threaten him at work.  I also know that since I only call your wife’s cell phone and not your home phone (meaning there’s no caller ID record of me calling your house) that you have somehow gotten into her private email account and read personal emails not intended for you.  That makes you a coward and a prick.  You’ve probably rummaged through her closet, wallet and car as well.  How very classy.

Anyway, I just thought you, my readers, should know that there are actually people out there (adults mind you) that are so insecure and jealous that the events described above actually happened OUTSIDE of a junior high school between adults that have children.

How frightening but more importantly, how amazingly pathetic.