Good morning, bitches. It’s great to be here today.
Let me start off by saying how astounded I am that 3 ½ hours of sleep for the second night in a row is literally no big deal, thanks to my good friend, coffee. Where the fuck was this stuff when we brought 1doh home and I was praying for a quick death?
Anyway, today is my birthday. I’m 39 years old. I know you all probably thought that I was somewhere between 14 (based on my level of maturity) and 25 (based on my awesome physique and physical prowess). But I am, in fact, 39 years old.
Am I freaked out by that like some folks? Of course not. Who gives a shit how old you are. Anyone that bitches about getting old gets the same answer from me:
It beats the alternative.
That said, I’ve never been a resolution maker or a “Now that I’m X years old I’m gonna change everything and be a better person” kind of a guy.
Until now.
Starting July 5th, I’m back on the workout schedule, eating right the entire week (with a rib eye and a bad weekend breakfast notwithstanding), and getting back to doing what I should be doing.
I’m not making any grand predictions or promises. I’m just telling you I am happier when I’m working out and eating better, so I want to do that more often.
As for my birthday, well, as many of you well know, I believe that my birthday is the number one most important day of the year.
And don’t confuse that sentence. I don’t think everybody’s birthday is the most important day of the year. Just mine.
Now, does that mean I want pony rides and clowns and shit? Of course not. I’m too big to ride a pony and clowns scare the shit out of me. I just think that my birthday is a big deal and should be treated as such.
To that end, I’ve decided to make a list of changes I’d like to see that would greatly improve how much I enjoy my birthday.
1) When you come over, just bring beer. It’s easier, and when you don’t drink it all I can build up a healthy reserve.
2) Cash is king, although I’m a total sucker for electronics (i.e. a photo iPod).
3) Never use the word “ME” in a sentence when speaking with the birthday boy. Remember, it’s all about ME, not you.
4) I shouldn’t have to make decisions, other than what I want to watch on television, how much Xbox I want to play, and when to start drinking beer. Beyond that, you know what I like. I like browns and tans and fats for meals. I like sports on television, I like my drinks carbonated and hoppy and in aluminum cans or brown bottles, and I like my steaks medium rare. Is that so difficult?
5) Never ever ever ask me to do yard work or any other honey do project on my birthday. You know I hate that stuff already. Why fuck with an awesome day?
6) Don’t ask, “Are you enjoying your birthday?” If you have to ask, you haven’t done enough to ensure that the answer to that question is yes. If the thought of asking this question pops into your head, immediately run to Wal-Mart and buy me something cool.
7) I don’t want to drive. Anywhere. It’s my constitutional right to be a passenger on my birthday.
If we do go somewhere, have the “So…who’s gonna be the sober driver?” think figured out before we leave. I can’t stand hearing everyone argue. Remember, this day is all about me.
9) Don’t assume I’m available. Plan weeks in advance, for my time is precious and limited.
10) Whatever you do, always start every sentence with “Is this going to make Todd’s birthday better for him?”
If you follow these rules, you should find that my birthday will be much more enjoyable for me and for you as well.
Well? What are you waiting for? Get out and buy me something, jackass!!!
What say you?