2006 July archive at Functionally ReTodded

Archive for July, 2006

Jul

Homemade IQ test

Categories: Uncategorized

I frequently read a blog by a guy named Ben. It’s funny. He makes me laugh. Ethel (and others) think I have a man crush on him. To them I say “Who cares? Maybe I do. But as long as Ben’s okay with it, then the rest of you can fuck off.”

Actually, I say I don’t and that I’m comfortable enough to say when a strange guy on the internet makes me laugh. Well, I don’t know for sure that he’s strange. But he’s a stranger to me, or a Don’t Know according to my daughter and John Walsh and the people from The Safe Side videos.

Anywho, here is something he came up with, along with my answers at the bottom (so you don’t cheat).

Enjoy.

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Today’s useless tidbit is animal hearding. See if you can correctly guess what each group of animals is called when there are several of them together. Example: A pack of wolves.

Lions
Crows
Turkeys
Fish
Geese
Horses
Ants
Beavers
Hummingbirds
Hyenas
Jellyfish
Kangaroos
Leopards
Lizards
Crocodiles
Camels
Butterflies
Locusts
Hawks
Owls

We’ll make the worth 10 points each, leading up to a possible score of 200 (clarified for those who might not do so well on normal IQ tests).

Yes, it would be very easy to just look the answers up on the internet, but seriously, give it a try before you do. Write down the answers before you open the comments box. No copying others!

Some groups have multiple answers. Answers will be posted on Friday. Let’s do a prize too, shall we? Highest score gets a plug on my website, and I’ll post on the subject of their choice for a day.

At the end of the day, this is the honor system. There’s no money involved, so please be honest.

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See? I hadn’t even read the rest. Just answer in the comments and I’ll pick a winner or write about a subject of your choice or post a nude photo of myself (a tasteful one of me washing the car or working out). Good luck!!

Jul

For the record…

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments

Categories: Uncategorized

I’ve come to a conclusion regarding jokes and the telling of jokes.

Don’t bother telling, sending, repeating, or even starting a joke with a real person in it. I’m not listening.

Politics have become contentious enough, and it’s made it impossible to even enjoy jokes that start with:

“President Busch, Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton are on an airplane…”

The thing is, I know where this is going. It’s dumb, predictable, low-brow and tired. And I’d say the same for a “Hillary, Bill and Monica check into a hotel” or “Ariel Sharon, Yassir Arafat and Ronald Reagan are at the Pearly Gates” or “Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan walk into a bar / are building a house / die in a plane crash” and so on.

They’re not funny. Ever. And all they are is a chance for a cheap laugh with people of similar beliefs as you or to make fun of / browbeat someone whose beliefs differ from yours.

Now, if you want to see a couple of funny jokes, here are some. Be warned that funny to me might be call the cops unfunny to someone else. But if you’ve read this far, you know me and know for sure what you’re in for.

Number One:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
“Okay,you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

Number Two:

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost! and need directions!”

Number 3:

A kid goes up to his father and says, “Hey, Pop, know how old I am
today?”

His father says, “No…how old?”

He says, “I’m eleven!”

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, “Hey, Grandma,
know how old I am today?”

She says, “Come closer…”

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his
underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, “You’re
eleven.”

He says, “How could you tell?”

She says, “I heard you tell your father.”

Number 4:

A man comes home from work and sees his girlfriend’s bags packed by the front door.

He says, “Where are you going honey?”

She replies “I’m leaving you, you fucker.”

Shocked, he asks “But why?”

“I just found out that you’re a pedophile! That’s why!”

“Pedophile? That’s a pretty big word for an eight year old.”

Jul

Dad’s night out

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment

Categories: Uncategorized

Once a month, GBD goes out for MNO. No, it’s not Men Need Oral. It’s Mom’s Night Out.

See, GBD is in a mom’s group and has been since 1doh was a few months old, and once a month these broads get together for a meal and cocktails and probably bitch about their husbands.

Well, mine doesn’t bitch about me because I’m perfect. But I’m sure the rest do.

Anyway, I’m always complaining about not having a Dad’s Night Out. Granted, I don’t actually complain about it to her, since if I was the one working at home with the kids, I’d have gone insane about 3 days after starting that job. Needless to say I appreciate her efforts and therefore I don’t complain openly, TO HER, about MNO.

But I’ve always wanted there to be a DNO. UnkTodd and I talk about it often, and we agree there should be a DNO.

So last night, without UnkTodd, I decided to make a little DNO of my own.

See, my buddy Camp Cashion had his brother and sister-in-law in for the week, and I haven’t seen them since the horseshoe tournament three or so years ago that saw their dog smacked with a wayward horseshoe. It was the dog’s fault by the way, and he ended up with a $500 root canal.

So since I missed the Sunday grill out and bullshit session, I decided it’d head over there last night or a few beers and fellowship.

Well I had a few beers and enjoyed some fellowship, getting bitten by their “gentle” bird, getting my toe split open by a very excited Huc k, and then the sad realization that regardless of how many beers I had, it was Thursday and not Friday night, so I had to go home and get sleep so I could get up for work today. That realization sucked donkey balls.

It was also nice to see former BDL teammate Waller again. I further enjoyed seeing a BonCash unfettered by childcare responsibilities and in the comfort of her own home socially without the responsibility of a post festivities drive. If you get a chance to sit with BonCash for a few minutes when she’s got a buzz, do it. It’s totally worth it.

That said, these are some things I enjoy:

* Beers with friends, both new and old.
* Talking about the finer points of “The Brazilian” with an actual Brazilian. Oh, and I learned something, by the way. I was told that it means to be hairless from “the anus to the clitoris.” (Her words, not mine). Yet that description was followed by a gesturing and a repeat saying “hairless to here,” and the gesture ended at the belt buckle.

I’ve got news for you. If THAT’S where the man in the boat resides, then I’ve been looking in the COMPLETELY wrong place for that little bastard.

* Proving to someone that their bird is not harmless by letting him bite me in the fucking finger.
* Seeing little girls with suntans and eggshell white bums getting out of the tub. Mine, the Cashion’s, whomevers. They are just cute enough to make you burst into flames.
* The laughter of any kids under five when you hold them over your head. It’s funny, but they ALL go insane with laughter when you do that.
* Talking about and seeing photos of CampCashion’s BIL’s new house, to be moved into in mid-August. THAT is going to be goodtime central fo shizzle my bizzle.
* And mostly, just the easiness of hanging out with true friends. There might not be anything better in the whole wide world.

Jul

Here’s one that made me laugh, until I got the res…

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments

Categories: Uncategorized

Here’s one that made me laugh, until I got the results:

You Are: Stan

You are Stan. You live a very sad life. That is why you try to flex every little bit of power you have over others. Maybe you were always picked last in gym class or they guy who always stood by the door at parties. Whatever the reason you have a chip on your shoulder and can’t let it go even though it keeps you from achieving any amout of success in this world.

Jul