Functionally ReTodded

I need to get something off of my chest, so here goes.

For some time now, I’ve noticed that more and more drivers are driving very much like a bunch of blind, insane, 90 year-old asian women trying to eat a salad, talk on the phone, smoke, and put on make-up, and at the same time changing lanes whenever they feel like it, speeding up or slowing down for no reason, running lights, failing to yield the right of way, making U-turns anywhere they’d like, stopping in the middle of the road, diving in and out of HOV lane, dicing six lanes across traffic to make an exit in the last 100 feet, driving in the GOAR, cutting in and slamming on their brakes, making right turns from the left lane or left turns from the right lane, driving and passing in the emergency lane and racing up on the right side to pass one extra car before the lane ends at a brick wall, and many other specific offenses too numerous to mention.

To all of you selfish bastards, I say this:

You better watch the fuck out.

You see, for many many years I drove very VERY defensively. I was way poor. Not that I’m not poor now, but back then I was “buying sammich meat and milk at the gas station at 10 times its normal price just because they would take the credit card on which I could not afford to make the payments. Our two paid off cars were our only real assets and we were willing to do about anything to avoid having anything happen to them.

But you see, we are now a tick better off than back then. That is to say that I could make an insurance deductible payment without worry. And let me tell you, this reveleation should concern you a great deal.

I recently decided that I would take your nonsense no more.

Now, that’s not to say that I am going to run around trying to issue Barney Fife-like citizen’s arrests or any such nonsense. But I will take opportunities, when presented, to correct you.

I will honk and wave and talk clearly to you even in slow or stopped traffic. I will happily pull up next to you and ask if you’ve had some sort of cardiac episode that made you do that, or are you just retarded.

But what should worry those of you out there that break the golden rule of driving, which is passing me on the right in a lane that you know ends shortly, is this:

In times past, I would have eventually relented and let you in line for fear of damaging my precious vehicle. But now, I hate my car. Well, I don’t hate it hate it, but I don’t like it, and I want out of it. I don’t care if you hit the right side of it. And I will drive you into that cement wall at the end of your lane rather than let you in front of me.

And do you know the best part? When the law arrives, it will have been your fault.

You see, your lane ends, and is marked by signage that it ends. That means that YOU have to yield to get in line, not that we have to yield to let you in line. YOU ARE THE ONE ASKING PERMISSION, NOT US!

Want in behind me? Fine. There’s a spot right there. So many other motorists are so tired of that shit that you often see two, three and four of them nose to tail, literally bumper to bumper, refusing to let your dumb ass in line. It almost renews my faith in some of my fellow men. I and my fellow motorists have recently started acting as a unit, using an unspoken language of upwardly raised thumbs and wild gesticulating applause when we successfully leave you behind to try to merge from a dead stop in front of a wall instead of you being able to merge in behind us at a decent speed.

And why do they do this? Because they too believe that their time is just as valuable as the douchebags that try to skirt the law and generally use bad or no manners and act as bullies in 6,000 pound cars figuring that their aggressiveness will be accepted merely out of fear by their fellow motorists and taxpayers.

Remember the movie Billy Jack? Remember how he taught the kids at the school to take and take and take until eventually he couldn’t take any more?

Well look out, folks. Billy Jack just came to town, and he’s had about enough. Instead of taking off his hat and his shoes and quietly placing them on the park bench, he’s sitting at an intersection in Gwinnett County near you in a Chevy Trailblazer and he’s had about an assful of your nonsense.

Have a great weekend everybody.