2006 July 28 archive at Functionally ReTodded

Archive for July 28th, 2006

Jul

a blog from GBD

Categories: Uncategorized

Since GBD won’t take the time out of her schedule to maintain her blog, I thought I’d post this here. This is the typical lazy day of a work-at-home-mom. Enjoy.

It’s my day off, so I had a few errands to run. My main goal was to go to the tag office and renew my tags. (Believe it or not we are STILL dealing with issues from the trade-in on my old car due to the dealership). It’s a long story and I won’t bore you with the details - but I had to get a new tag and attempt to get an $85 credit from the DMV .

So after Sophia’s nap we piled in the car and off we go.

As soon as I pull in the parking lot I hear “grunting” from the back. Yep - she pooped. There’s the smell.

Ok, I change her in the car because I don’t want to do it in the DMV. I took off my old license plate, got the girls situated and we went in…..to a HUGE line! Let’s say 40 people in line and only 3 DMV workers.

To their credit they moved the line pretty fast. Of course we had “Jimmy talks A LOT and really LOUD” in front of us who wanted to carry on a conversation (like he didn’t notice I had my hands full with the girls).

Anyway, we get to the window and I tell my story blah blah blah (at this point I’m just glad to be away from “sir talky”. The lady is very nice, but I quickly realize this is going to take longer than I thought. I had called my insurance company prior to leaving because they had to make a correction in their system to show we never had a lapse in coverage (it was the dealership that turned in the wrong VIN number).

Of course, she didn’t do what she said so now I’m on the phone at the window and the line behind me is growing and growing. Lauren is playing hopscotch in the color tiles on the floor and I’m trying to get her closer to me and away from the angry line.

Meanwhile, “Jimmy” hasn’t shut up at the window across from us (seriously telling the DMV lady his life story which everyone can hear because he’s so flipping LOUD). I finally got the insurance company to do what they needed to. Now the DMV lady needs to get a refund form (in triplicate, btw) but she can’t put her hands on it, so she goes to ask someone else for one.

The line is now out the door (and it’s 98 degrees outside) and I can hear the people moaning.

Sophia decides she is hungry so I attempt to give her some cheerios to hold her over. Of course now Lauren wants some cheerios and she is fighting Sophia for them . DMV lady comes back and says she can’t find the form so she’s called her supervisor back from her break and is waiting for her return. OMG the people in line are forming a lynch mob now.

“Jimmy” finally stops talking and is leaving the window and get this….everyone in line starts clapping - SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! Ok, so he’s bugging the crap out of everyone not just me - whew!

But now I have become “that person” in line who is taking way too long and they’ve all started to focus their attention on me. I pull the girls closer and try not to make eye contact with any of them. Then Lauren looks at me and says “Mommy I have to poopy really bad”. I think this is where the twitching began.

I beg her to sit on the floor, dance, hold her bum, whatever it takes. No dice - she’s gotta go right now. So the DMV lady says go ahead and take her while we are waiting for my supervisor. So I say “Ok, where are the bathrooms”? Right around the corner she said. Yeah, right around the corner from the angry mob!!!!!!!

So I’m running past everyone pushing Sophia in the stroller and pulling Lauren behind me. Lauren lost a flip flop and tried to stop and get it - but I kept pulling and said “just leave it we’ll get it on the way back”. We made it to the bathroom in one piece (minus a shoe) and I’m trying to explain to Lauren that she can’t just sit there - she MUST push and get the poop out!

She made pretty good time and I was able to retrieve the shoe on the way back past the fire breathing mobsters. We return to the window and the supervisor is just walking up - whew!

Wait - who is screaming??? Oh, right - that’s Sophia because now she is STARVING and the cheerios are gone. Ok, I can make a bottle with one hand, sign the form with the other and keep a close eye on Lauren - no problem. I talked Lauren into holding the bottle for Sophia while I filled out the forms.

About 45 minutes later we’re done. I’m dripping sweat at this point - but I have my license plate in hand. Lauren is thirsty from all the cheerios but the water fountain is in the middle of the line so there was no way in hell I was sending her into the lions den. I ran out of there - got the girls in the car and put my plate on.

At this point, I’ve decided that I am NOT going to the grocery or to get my oil changed. I had already promised Lauren we would go to the car wash (one of those full service car wash places) because she LOVES watching our car go through, etc. Lucky me, the car wash place does oil changes and since I’m getting my car washed it’s half price. So we go inside to wait and there it is………that smell……..that familiar stinky smell…….. Sophia pooped AGAIN! But now I don’t have my car to change her in so I take all of us to the bathroom in the car wash place. Of course there is no changing table so I attempt to change her in the umbrella stroller! Yeah, that went as well as you would think - NOT! Poop everywhere. Lauren is gagging from the smell and Sophia is laughing. They had a full length mirror on the wall and I looked up and just started LMAO! I looked horrible - the sweat is back, I have poop on my hands, I’m trying to stop Lauren from gagging and Sophia from falling out of the stroller.

Well Lauren is hungry and still thirsty - but luckily this place sells drinks and snacks. So I get her a slushy and a huge slim jim (gross I know - but she loves them). This place also has legos so now Lauren is set while we are waiting. I sit down and try to take a deep breath (but still can’t do that). Then Lauren is spitting the slim jim out of her mouth saying HOT HOT HOT. Son of a bitch- I bought her a tabasco slim jim by mistake. So she’s chugging her slushy (and cussing me under her breath I’m sure) while I go buy her a regular slim jim.

I’m waiting in line and I hear a crashing sound - Lauren had built a tower with the legos which have now fallen over and the legos are from one end of the place to the other. The twitching returns.

Now it’s Sophia’s nap time and it’s taking FOREVER for them to detail the car. An hour later the car is ready (and so am I)! We get in and they moved Lauren’s seat all the way forward. I have NO idea how to move it back. So she rode home with her knees in her eyes basically. My FIL calls me on the way home and as I’m talking to him Lauren yells “Mommy mommy - safety violation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” WTF? I never buckled her in. Seriously. I had to pull over to the side of the rode to buckle her (trying to hide this safety violation from my FIL but trying to get off the phone at the same time).

Ok, we’re home now and Sophia is sleeping. I think I’ll go poop now. It’s my turn….

Jul

A statement to all drivers with whom I share the roadways

By Functionally ReTodded 6 Comments

Categories: Uncategorized

I need to get something off of my chest, so here goes.

For some time now, I’ve noticed that more and more drivers are driving very much like a bunch of blind, insane, 90 year-old asian women trying to eat a salad, talk on the phone, smoke, and put on make-up, and at the same time changing lanes whenever they feel like it, speeding up or slowing down for no reason, running lights, failing to yield the right of way, making U-turns anywhere they’d like, stopping in the middle of the road, diving in and out of HOV lane, dicing six lanes across traffic to make an exit in the last 100 feet, driving in the GOAR, cutting in and slamming on their brakes, making right turns from the left lane or left turns from the right lane, driving and passing in the emergency lane and racing up on the right side to pass one extra car before the lane ends at a brick wall, and many other specific offenses too numerous to mention.

To all of you selfish bastards, I say this:

You better watch the fuck out.

You see, for many many years I drove very VERY defensively. I was way poor. Not that I’m not poor now, but back then I was “buying sammich meat and milk at the gas station at 10 times its normal price just because they would take the credit card on which I could not afford to make the payments. Our two paid off cars were our only real assets and we were willing to do about anything to avoid having anything happen to them.

But you see, we are now a tick better off than back then. That is to say that I could make an insurance deductible payment without worry. And let me tell you, this reveleation should concern you a great deal.

I recently decided that I would take your nonsense no more.

Now, that’s not to say that I am going to run around trying to issue Barney Fife-like citizen’s arrests or any such nonsense. But I will take opportunities, when presented, to correct you.

I will honk and wave and talk clearly to you even in slow or stopped traffic. I will happily pull up next to you and ask if you’ve had some sort of cardiac episode that made you do that, or are you just retarded.

But what should worry those of you out there that break the golden rule of driving, which is passing me on the right in a lane that you know ends shortly, is this:

In times past, I would have eventually relented and let you in line for fear of damaging my precious vehicle. But now, I hate my car. Well, I don’t hate it hate it, but I don’t like it, and I want out of it. I don’t care if you hit the right side of it. And I will drive you into that cement wall at the end of your lane rather than let you in front of me.

And do you know the best part? When the law arrives, it will have been your fault.

You see, your lane ends, and is marked by signage that it ends. That means that YOU have to yield to get in line, not that we have to yield to let you in line. YOU ARE THE ONE ASKING PERMISSION, NOT US!

Want in behind me? Fine. There’s a spot right there. So many other motorists are so tired of that shit that you often see two, three and four of them nose to tail, literally bumper to bumper, refusing to let your dumb ass in line. It almost renews my faith in some of my fellow men. I and my fellow motorists have recently started acting as a unit, using an unspoken language of upwardly raised thumbs and wild gesticulating applause when we successfully leave you behind to try to merge from a dead stop in front of a wall instead of you being able to merge in behind us at a decent speed.

And why do they do this? Because they too believe that their time is just as valuable as the douchebags that try to skirt the law and generally use bad or no manners and act as bullies in 6,000 pound cars figuring that their aggressiveness will be accepted merely out of fear by their fellow motorists and taxpayers.

Remember the movie Billy Jack? Remember how he taught the kids at the school to take and take and take until eventually he couldn’t take any more?

Well look out, folks. Billy Jack just came to town, and he’s had about enough. Instead of taking off his hat and his shoes and quietly placing them on the park bench, he’s sitting at an intersection in Gwinnett County near you in a Chevy Trailblazer and he’s had about an assful of your nonsense.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Jul

Homemade IQ test

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment

Categories: Uncategorized

I frequently read a blog by a guy named Ben. It’s funny. He makes me laugh. Ethel (and others) think I have a man crush on him. To them I say “Who cares? Maybe I do. But as long as Ben’s okay with it, then the rest of you can fuck off.”

Actually, I say I don’t and that I’m comfortable enough to say when a strange guy on the internet makes me laugh. Well, I don’t know for sure that he’s strange. But he’s a stranger to me, or a Don’t Know according to my daughter and John Walsh and the people from The Safe Side videos.

Anywho, here is something he came up with, along with my answers at the bottom (so you don’t cheat).

Enjoy.

**********************

Today’s useless tidbit is animal hearding. See if you can correctly guess what each group of animals is called when there are several of them together. Example: A pack of wolves.

Lions
Crows
Turkeys
Fish
Geese
Horses
Ants
Beavers
Hummingbirds
Hyenas
Jellyfish
Kangaroos
Leopards
Lizards
Crocodiles
Camels
Butterflies
Locusts
Hawks
Owls

We’ll make the worth 10 points each, leading up to a possible score of 200 (clarified for those who might not do so well on normal IQ tests).

Yes, it would be very easy to just look the answers up on the internet, but seriously, give it a try before you do. Write down the answers before you open the comments box. No copying others!

Some groups have multiple answers. Answers will be posted on Friday. Let’s do a prize too, shall we? Highest score gets a plug on my website, and I’ll post on the subject of their choice for a day.

At the end of the day, this is the honor system. There’s no money involved, so please be honest.

**********************

See? I hadn’t even read the rest. Just answer in the comments and I’ll pick a winner or write about a subject of your choice or post a nude photo of myself (a tasteful one of me washing the car or working out). Good luck!!

Jul

For the record…

By Functionally ReTodded 0 Comments

Categories: Uncategorized

I’ve come to a conclusion regarding jokes and the telling of jokes.

Don’t bother telling, sending, repeating, or even starting a joke with a real person in it. I’m not listening.

Politics have become contentious enough, and it’s made it impossible to even enjoy jokes that start with:

“President Busch, Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton are on an airplane…”

The thing is, I know where this is going. It’s dumb, predictable, low-brow and tired. And I’d say the same for a “Hillary, Bill and Monica check into a hotel” or “Ariel Sharon, Yassir Arafat and Ronald Reagan are at the Pearly Gates” or “Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan walk into a bar / are building a house / die in a plane crash” and so on.

They’re not funny. Ever. And all they are is a chance for a cheap laugh with people of similar beliefs as you or to make fun of / browbeat someone whose beliefs differ from yours.

Now, if you want to see a couple of funny jokes, here are some. Be warned that funny to me might be call the cops unfunny to someone else. But if you’ve read this far, you know me and know for sure what you’re in for.

Number One:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
“Okay,you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

Number Two:

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost! and need directions!”

Number 3:

A kid goes up to his father and says, “Hey, Pop, know how old I am
today?”

His father says, “No…how old?”

He says, “I’m eleven!”

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, “Hey, Grandma,
know how old I am today?”

She says, “Come closer…”

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his
underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, “You’re
eleven.”

He says, “How could you tell?”

She says, “I heard you tell your father.”

Number 4:

A man comes home from work and sees his girlfriend’s bags packed by the front door.

He says, “Where are you going honey?”

She replies “I’m leaving you, you fucker.”

Shocked, he asks “But why?”

“I just found out that you’re a pedophile! That’s why!”

“Pedophile? That’s a pretty big word for an eight year old.”

Jul

Dad’s night out

By Functionally ReTodded 1 Comment

Categories: Uncategorized

Once a month, GBD goes out for MNO. No, it’s not Men Need Oral. It’s Mom’s Night Out.

See, GBD is in a mom’s group and has been since 1doh was a few months old, and once a month these broads get together for a meal and cocktails and probably bitch about their husbands.

Well, mine doesn’t bitch about me because I’m perfect. But I’m sure the rest do.

Anyway, I’m always complaining about not having a Dad’s Night Out. Granted, I don’t actually complain about it to her, since if I was the one working at home with the kids, I’d have gone insane about 3 days after starting that job. Needless to say I appreciate her efforts and therefore I don’t complain openly, TO HER, about MNO.

But I’ve always wanted there to be a DNO. UnkTodd and I talk about it often, and we agree there should be a DNO.

So last night, without UnkTodd, I decided to make a little DNO of my own.

See, my buddy Camp Cashion had his brother and sister-in-law in for the week, and I haven’t seen them since the horseshoe tournament three or so years ago that saw their dog smacked with a wayward horseshoe. It was the dog’s fault by the way, and he ended up with a $500 root canal.

So since I missed the Sunday grill out and bullshit session, I decided it’d head over there last night or a few beers and fellowship.

Well I had a few beers and enjoyed some fellowship, getting bitten by their “gentle” bird, getting my toe split open by a very excited Huc k, and then the sad realization that regardless of how many beers I had, it was Thursday and not Friday night, so I had to go home and get sleep so I could get up for work today. That realization sucked donkey balls.

It was also nice to see former BDL teammate Waller again. I further enjoyed seeing a BonCash unfettered by childcare responsibilities and in the comfort of her own home socially without the responsibility of a post festivities drive. If you get a chance to sit with BonCash for a few minutes when she’s got a buzz, do it. It’s totally worth it.

That said, these are some things I enjoy:

* Beers with friends, both new and old.
* Talking about the finer points of “The Brazilian” with an actual Brazilian. Oh, and I learned something, by the way. I was told that it means to be hairless from “the anus to the clitoris.” (Her words, not mine). Yet that description was followed by a gesturing and a repeat saying “hairless to here,” and the gesture ended at the belt buckle.

I’ve got news for you. If THAT’S where the man in the boat resides, then I’ve been looking in the COMPLETELY wrong place for that little bastard.

* Proving to someone that their bird is not harmless by letting him bite me in the fucking finger.
* Seeing little girls with suntans and eggshell white bums getting out of the tub. Mine, the Cashion’s, whomevers. They are just cute enough to make you burst into flames.
* The laughter of any kids under five when you hold them over your head. It’s funny, but they ALL go insane with laughter when you do that.
* Talking about and seeing photos of CampCashion’s BIL’s new house, to be moved into in mid-August. THAT is going to be goodtime central fo shizzle my bizzle.
* And mostly, just the easiness of hanging out with true friends. There might not be anything better in the whole wide world.