If I haven’t told you before…

I love College Humor. It’s an entertaining site most of the time, but sometimes they have absolutely brilliant stuff…like the following picture. For the record, I’m curious how someone gets to this point in their life and don’t have a friend or family member that will intervene.

Anyway, happy Friday steroid-filled suntans everybody:

Can you say melanoma?

Another reason I hate American Idol

Now, when Corey Clark was banging Paula Abdul, we heard about it immediately. Well, not immediately, but very quickly.

But today this story comes out:

In tomorrow’s issue of People magazine, Katharine McPhee (who looks like a sex kitten in the photo spread) talks about a five-year battle with bulimia. She says that her audition for American Idol is what turned it all around for her. After she learned she was “going to Hollywood”, she enrolled at the Eating Disorder Center of California in LA. For three months, she went there six days a week for group and individual therapy. McPhee says the pressures of growing up in Los Angeles and her years in dance classes made her self conscious about her body image. Interestingly, she was 30 pounds heavier when she auditioned for Idol than she was when we saw her last season. She says, her lessons about “intuitive eating” are what helped her lose the weight. Katharine even goes so far as to tell People, “American Idol saved my life.”

By the way. Did anyone else know that Katharine, 22, has a boyfriend who’s 41?

So, the girl spends 3 months getting treated for an eating disorder AFTER subjecting herself to the American Idol panel and preparing to go to Hollywood to get judged by millions? How the fuck was THAT going to help her bullemia?

And why did this story not come out sooner? It’s not like no one could find her name on the rolls at Pritican’s west coast office.

Oh, and you can also put her down in the creepy Tonya Harding category because of her 41 year old boyfriend. The only reason this is better (unless their hiding something else) is that Harding’s “boyfriend” was the married older man her parents paid to be her manager. You know, to have her best interests at heart and to do what was best for her and the family and to protect their daughter.

I’m sure dad appreciates the fact that he paid a married old dude to bang his daughter.

Thumbs up!!

Magical elixir, thy name is coffee

Seriously, how long has this coffee stuff been around? Is it new? Why did I not know about it so much? Can somebody please explain to me where coffee has been all of my life?

I have never liked hot drinks. Ever. Not coffee, hot tea, hot cocoa, hot totties, nothing. That’s just another way for me to hurt myself similar to the potato incident from St. Patrick’s Day 2006. Until my episode last fall, I was a Mountain Dew guy. My reasoning was, it’s got caffeine, it’s got sugar, and it’s got carbs. What’s not to love?

But then, when I changed my diet, I didn’t figure that the Dew was too good a choice, so I quit drinking it. After 25 years of having between one and 15 a day, I quit, and I never looked back. If we went out for lunch or breakfast, I had unsweet tea (which I’ve always loved) or water. If we went out to dinner, I had a cold beer. But sodas of all kind were gone forever.

But then, over the last couple of weeks, I haven’t been sleeping great and combined with 2Doh’s sleep habits, I had been as tired as I’ve been at any point since she was born, or even moreso.

So last Monday, after nodding off at my desk at 6:45am in the middle of typing an e-mail, I decided to have a cup of coffee.

Now, I still don’t like hot HOT drinks. Hell, I don’t like HOT HOT soup or even HOT soup. So I poured a cup, dropped in two ice cubes, and drank it.

Next thing I know, I have energy to beat the band. YAY!!

So two days later, I was equally tired and did it again, with the same magical results. Really now, does everyone know about this stuff?

This week, I’ve had a cup (or two) every day and I feel great in the morning. Also, I am generally starving by the time I get to work at 6am. Not hungry. STARVING!!

This week, after enjoying my cocoa bean lover, I haven’t been hungry at all, even skipping breakfast proper twice. Now, I still eat a kashi bar but that’s about one fourth of what I get calorie wise from even a healthy breakfast. I say thumbs UP to that!!

So here I sit, a gentle buzzing occurring in my brain thinking “What CAN’T I do today?”, and I wonder if this wears off or if I’ve been missing out on one of life’s great joys?

I still don’t like the idea of cream and sugar barely tinted tan by a tablespoon of coffee and, therefore, I drink mine black. Also, I think the idea of a four dollar coffee is as crazy as anything I’ve ever heard of, but hey…until two weeks ago I hadn’t had five cups of coffee in ten years, so I guess anything’s possible.

Oh, and the other thing this does is open my life up to a whole new category of Father’s Day gifts. Instead of ties and socks and whatnot, 1Doh and 2Doh can get / make me coffee cups.

Is there anything coffee CAN’T do?

Somemthing worth reading, especially since someone else wrote it…

I stumbled upon a blog today called Right on!! Not only was it refreshing to see a blog not hammering neo-cons or bleeding heart liberals, but one promoting personal responsibility. Here is his latest entry about a parent suing myspace.com because her 14 year old daughter was molested by a pervert she met on the website.

(Read first before you freak out. I’m not advocating blaming victims here).

Mom sues MySpace.com

The mother of a 14 year old girl in Austin, Texas is suing Social Internet giant Myspace.com for $30 Million because her 14 year old daughter was molested by a pervert she met on the website.

According to the lawyers representing the family, myspace doesn’t do enough to verify the age of its users nor does it take adequate measures to thwart sexual predators online.

The CSO for Myspace.com had this to say in response to the allegations. “We take aggressive measures to protect our members. We encourage everyone on the Internet to engage in smart web practices and have open family dialogue about how to apply offline lessons in the online world.”

Attention parents… you wouldn’t let your child wander around the world all alone talking to anyone who happens to wander their way, why do you think it’s safe for them to surf unrestricted and unmonitored online? I’m getting sick and tired of parents who use the TV and the home PC as a babysitter so they don’t have to take personal responsibility for their kids. Then once the TV or the PC fails them, they go after the services for exorbitant amounts of cash as a “solution” to the problem.

Here’s an easy and FAR less expensive solution… WATCH your kids and know what they’re doing, where they’re going and who they’re talking to. Talk to them every day, find out what they did and who they hang out with. I know it’s tempting, but putting a computer/TV/XBox in their room DOES get them out of your hair… but you’re just asking for problems.

There will always be a computer with internet access in my house, but it will reside in a public common area of the house and usage of said computer will not be without strict rules until I know that my kids understand that Online, is just as dangerous if not more so than Offline and can show me that they understand and respect that fact.

I wonder if the mother of this child had established a code of conduct online for the house, if she would have become a victim. The predator was 19 years old, allowed to exchange phone calls with the 14 year old. The mother even allowed the 19 year old predator to pick the girl up from school, take her to dinner, and a movie and even his apartment where the sexual assault took place.

If I were the judge in this case… it wouldn’t be an issue reaching a conclusion. I would dismiss the case, and declare that due to gross negligence on the part of the parents their daughter was sexually assaulted. Not only that but I would require the parents to pay the court costs for myspace.com for wasting their time.

You want some rules… well I’m fairly partial to Kim Komando’s 10 Commandments for Kids Online.

1. My parents and I will decide when I am allowed to use the computer and the Internet. I promise not to ask or fight for more computer time. I will only do things and visit places that they say I can.

2. I will never tell anyone online or post online that I am home alone. I won’t give out my last name, my home address or telephone number, the name of my school or teachers, where my parents work or their telephone numbers without getting my parents’ permission. I will never give out my friends’ screen names, e-mail addresses, names, addresses and telephone numbers, and I will remind them to keep mine a secret.

3. If anyone online does anything that bothers me, I will tell my parents. I will never use bad language, say bad things about other people, or send mean messages in an e-mail, text or instant message, chat room, blog, or on a Web site. I will tell my parents if someone does that to me. If I use “secret” or “code” words online, I will tell my parents what they mean.

4. When I use instant messaging, e-mail, chat rooms, or Web sites where people put information about themselves, I will never send or post a picture of my family or me. If I set up a blog or an online profile, I will tell my parents where it is and how they can read it.

5. I WILL NEVER, EVER MEET WITH ANYONE I’VE TALKED TO ONLINE WITHOUT FIRST TALKING WITH MY PARENTS.

6. If my parents ask me for my password, I will give it to them. I will NEVER give out my passwords or any of our family’s passwords to anyone, not even my friends or other family members.

7. If I want to download any games, movies, music, or programs, I will ask for permission. I know I must pay for most of these things. If I take them, that is stealing.

8. I will not try to win free things or buy things on the Internet without my parents’ permission. If I get a message that I won something, I will show it to my parents. If I get an e-mail asking for passwords or other secret stuff, I will ask my parents.

9. I will not open any of my parents’ files. I will not change any settings or install any new software without my parents’ permission.

10. I give my parents permission to look on the computer to see where I have gone on the Internet, the e-mail and text messages I have sent and received, or what I do in a chat room. If my parents installed programs that track what I do on the computer or limit where I go online, I promise not to turn those programs off.

See? This woman is suing myspace even though she let them talk on the phone, let a NINETEEN YEAR OLD MAN PICK UP HER 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FOR ONE OR SEVERAL DATES, and even allowed him to take her TO HIS APARTMENT!!!!

Why on earth is MySpace responsible for this?

I mean, I’m the first one to say that MySpace oughta be called pervert alley, but I believe in the old saying “Let the buyer beware.” Parents have lost track of what parenting is, and that is taking precautions to protect your children, not waiting for the government to do it for you.

For example, my daughters will never EVER have a computer in their rooms, whether the machines have internet access or not. They will also not have telephones or televisions in their rooms.

Sound prudish? Maybe. But you won’t find my name attached to any articles like the one above either.

Parenting is about more than getting one’s peter wet. It’s about taking the time to teach children right and wrong, to teach them to be responsible and productive citizens, and it’s about teaching them be caring and compassionate souls. It’s also about teaching them the meaning of taking responsibility for their actions. And the biggest thing to me is that it’s about teaching your kids not just to do the right thing when someone’s watching them, but to do the right thing when no one’s looking.

I feel sorry for the 14 year old girl in this story on many levels. Certainly because she’s been victimized. But she wasn’t just victimized by the 19 year old. She was victimized by her mother as well.

Ouch!! I’ve been tagged….

My friend Ethel has tagged me to complete one of those meme’s. Now, I’m going to do it, but I’d like someone to tell me what a meme really is. I mean, does that word stand for anything or is it sort of a chicken and the egg term that came about as a result of the blog world, so it’s too hard to figure out if the lists came first or the name…

Anywho, here’s my list of 5′s:

Five Things in the Refrigerator
1. Many many salad dressings
2. Several pounds of margarine
3. Salads to go Taco Salad kits
4. Many many cheeses
5. A quart of minced garlic

Five Things in the Closet
1. My one sportcoat and slacks ensemble that’s WAY too big now.
2. An armoire
3. Two infant bath tubs
4. A keyboard and a mouse
5. Sweaters. Lots of GBD’s sweaters.

Five Things in the briefcase
1. HP 5mp digital camera
2. One package of official White House M&M’s.
3. My Wallet
4. One pair of Night n’ Day contact lenses
5. My iPod

Five Things in the Car
1. Owner’s manual packet with service records and all tag receipts
2. Crackberry charger
3. FM modulator for iPod
4. Orbit Cinnamint gum
5. 350 pounds of Wicked Good Competition Blend hardwood lump charcoal

Well, that wasn’t so bad. But I have no one to tag right now, so that’ll do.

(Thanks Ethel. Except for the purse question, this was fun).

Sorry I haven’t written much

And I know it’s been painful for those of you that simply cannot start your day without reading my observations, rantings, and general musings about life, love, sports, or whatever else may catch my attention.

We had a great weekend this weekend. Friday night, which is usually steak night, was replaced by Cooley’s Pizza night since UnkTodd and the Queen had a touchdown club meeting at their house. Although the Queen assured us that it would only last an hour, we knew better. And we were right.

On the upside, with the girls in bed and sleeping and no one around, that gave the wife some quality time to work on her new messageboard (I’m very proud of her for this by the way). While she was doing that, I headed over to Casa de Unk n’ Queen to nibble on some leftover appetizers, have a couple of beers, and see what was what.

I met the new North Gwinnett head football coach and a couple of his assistants, and they really seem like sharp guys. If we can get a coach to stay longer than nine months now, the team and the school might be on to something.

That evening also provided some excitement when my young nephew literally stumbled across a baby snake (about a foot long) right by the steps leading to their front porch. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was poisonous (diamond shaped head about thrice as wide as his skinny assed body).

Unk Todd was summoned and did what any good dad would do: He hacked it up with a shovel.

(It was later investigated via google and found to be a copperhead, which even at that size could injure or kill a dog or small children, of which I have two).

Saturday started with a lawn mowing, a good watering in accordance with our county’s odd-even watering restriction, and 1Doh’s soccer practice. Good times all around.

We wallowed the mid-day away until it was time for USA-Italia in the World Cup, and then it was time for cold beers and nationalism. Team USA got royally fucked by the officials but managed a tie despite being short-handed. (The Yanks need a win and a 3-goal margin against Ghana Thursday to have any hope of making it out of group play).

Just a sidenote here. I’ve always loved soccer. I played for years and years and I’ve always been a vocal proponent of the sport. This year however, the World Cup has drawn me in 200%. I’m checking scores every day online, talking about it at work, and even chatting on messageboards about it. If only they’d have it every two years like golf’s Ryder Cup. Then we’d REALLY see interest start to grow.

After the match (or most of it), it was off to Town Center Park for the opening and dedication of the new kick-ass fountain. Here are some interesting facts about our fancy new fountain:

Anyway, there was a big day planned with many of those moonwalk type jumpin’ thangs (as they called them in Auburn), food and drink and live music. they didn’t start selling beer until about 5:30, but that didn’t bother us since we smuggled some in, being the creative deviants that we are.

While there, we ran into the parents of the kids who participated in Dueling PeePees last weekend and I, without any consultation with the wife, blurted out “Hey!!! We’re grilling out tonight. Why don’t you guys grab something to cook and come over for a while?” Aren’t I awesome when I’ve had a couple of pops?

Oh, I have to interject with the white trash moment of the day. On the way back to the car we were walking thru a townhome-like development thingy that was mostly sold out, but there were a few new units that were still on the market.

There had been so much buzz about these things when the neighborhood opened that I decided to pop in for a quick look around to see what they were like.

The first floor (garage level) was pretty cool and the water system in the house was awesome. There was a turnkey system where each faucet and water source for everywhere in the house was labeled, and there was no copper at all. I had never seen such a thing before.

Floor two was the front of the home’s main floor with a den, kitchen, and “DADDY!!! I GOTTA GO PEE!!!!”

WHAT?

We were too far away to think about getting back to the park and I recognized the look on 1Doh’s face and the accompanying peepee dance. I had about ten seconds to make something happen or there was gonna be an assident.

So I hustled her into the main floor bathroom and lifted the seat and HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!

Apparently someone else had come in here to relieve themselves of a similar but more solid load, and it had apparently been done while Clinton was still in office.

So now I’ve got a 4 year old, pants around her ankles and she’s doing the Level 10 peepee dance which now involves more than a little panic on both of our parts. If I get her to the car and she’s had an accident, that’s gonna be my fault and the wife’s not gonna like it.

So, on the advice of present counsel, I picked 1Doh up and hung her ass in the bathroom sink.

Oh, and after all of this I had to go pretty badly as well, so I peed in there too. I dumped my beer down the drain hoping to help a little.

Sorry potential owners of said unit. It couldn’t be helped.

Anyway, since Father’s Day weekend was now in full effect, we (me, UnkTodd, Russ, Mark, and a nephew) hit the horseshoe pit for some good old country entertainment.

We had some sweet ribeyes and taters and then Stephen and Amanda came down to join in on our spontaneous frivolity. God bless suburbia.

Sunday saw a trip to Shiloh to replenish my charcoal supply and also saw a pleasant surprise:

two hidden pallets of 22-pound bags. I had no idea they were there and they’re not fundamentally different than the 11-pounders, but I just like the big bags for some reason. As a matter of fact, I may just save those for myself.

Then, upon my return, it was off to Wal-Mart for foodstuffs for our Father’s Day feast and various other necessities and niceties. (That last word looks like nice titties if you glance at it. Or maybe that’s just me).

Home from Brazil v. Australia at noon and then the Cup race at Michigan, although I only watched about 10-15 laps. I haven’t watched an entire race this year yet, and I really don’t care. There are really no compelling storylines, and if your big news is who’s going where next year, I don’t give a shit.

(Oh, we also got our huge portraits back from the photographer in Hilton Head and they look awesome. Now we just have to get them framed and quick. I suspect Saturday morning will see us at the framer’s store for some quotes).

Sunday afternoon and evening saw me abandoning all parental obligations for the second Sunday in a row (thanks Father’s Day) to play horseshoes, drink some beers and just screw off with the neighbors. Oh, and my day ended with just me and 1Doh taking a hot pool at UnkTodd’s before bed which was divinely relaxing.

My wife’s a saint and I can’t thank her enough for a wonderful Father’s Day weekend.

Which reminds me of something that I want to go over before I close. The three days that mattered to ME in the past were our anniversary, my birthday and Christmas. (The last one for primarily materialistic reasons I assure you).

But for some reason, this year’s Father’s Day was completely different for me. I was looking forward to it for weeks and really thought about it and what it meant to be a father. I think, after everything we’ve been thru in the past seven months, I truly realized how fragile life is and how quickly things can change and be taken away from you, and I think I really appreciated what it meant to be a father and how much joy it’s brought to my life.

Sure, there have been plenty of challenges along the way, and they continue even as of this writing. But I wouldn’t change anything about my marriage or the two sweet little girls that are just getting up at my house as we speak. As I’ve said before, one of my favorite things to do when putting 1Doh to bed is tell her that I love her and that she’s my favorite Lauren, and she replies “I love you too, and you’re my favorite daddy in the whole world.”

You just can’t put a price on that.

If you know me at all…

please click on THIS LINK and do what it asks. I’m curious of how it will come back.

Relax people. It’s not spam or a virus. It’s the Johari Window, which you can read about here.

Just curious here…

But do you think Britney’s soon to be rock star husband knows that what’s on his belt isn’t a cell phone but a garage door opener?

Hey look! It’s me ranting.

Last night my friend Ethel implored me to join her in not only watching the Britney Spears / Matt Lauer interview on Dateline, but also to blog with her about it. You know, kind of like a running commentary.

Anyway, if you go to our joint site called Ethel and the Eggsecutioner, you can see how that went.

It was actually fun. That was my first venom-filled rant in days and it made me feel a lot better…

Camera return: the updates begin

I received the RMA number via email already. I will double box this here box and follow the instructions to ship it overnight to them, and in return, they shall ship one overnight to me.

That means I should get it by Friday, but that means Tuesday I’m sure. Either way, it’ll be a brand new unit.

Yay!!