Functionally ReTodded

So, I didn’t bothe rblogging about the first hour since I know you all watched it. Besides, all the action and whiney bitchiness happens in the second hour.

First off, what was that little knowing glance between Aras and Danielle? I think she’s gonna dump Terry and that will be that. And that’s fine, as long as she’ll do the final two interview topless.

Oh, and she’s not allowed to talk since her accent makes me want to drive a railroad spike into my eye.

I wonder if her tramp stamp is actually the Chinese symbol for 1980’s Jersey mall skank?

“I’m so decisive anyway because I’m a Gemini…”

What is she trying to do? Pick him up at a bar in Atlantic City? Please.

Aras is an R-ass.

What the hell is Shane wearing? Is that the shirt from the Seinfeld episode about the Pirate shirt?

I’m shocked not at all. Danielle’s got a better chance of beating R-ass than Terry anyway. And what guy spells his name “T-e-r-r-i?” She’s an idiot.

WHOA!! I think Terry planted an IED on the rocks to sabotage Ar-ass’ efforts.

I think Mark Burnett did one thing right recently. He shortened the jury part of the telecast to under 30 minutes. It used to be an hour and that sucked alot.

and now it’s really only 20 minutes. Awesome!!

My favorite part of this is the eyerolling from losers like shane and the fire-dancing, pot smoking hippie chick.

There they were. 9:44pm EDT and Shane’s rolling his eyes. Dork. His son must constantly be very proud.

Courtney couldn’t give a shit. About any of them.

I think Austin wanted to kiss Aras just then.

Sea of forgiveness? WTF?? This chick is on crack. No chip on her shoulder b/c she’s a bird and she’s gonna fly? Holy shit, woman. You’re a nutbag. The good news is that I bet she’s really easy and puts out like a drunken sorority girl with A.D.D.

“My life is to learn, and I have just learned to be a judgemental skank.” Thanks for the positive feedback, Courtney.

Cerie asks the classic “why should I vote for your opponent” question. Good one. I don’t think Aras can do it. Oh, she saved him. Nice.

Here’s comes the douchebag. The best part is that his hair is how he wears it every day at home.

President of the planet?

Cool!! Broke, homeless and freeloading off of dad? Awesome!! It’s not original, but the number between one and a million is funny.

Danielle shouldn’t win since the price is right rules say that after Aras picks a totally retarded four, she should have picked five. Instead, the rocket scientist / silicone smuggler chose ten.

Perfect.

I like the symmetry that both finalists are daddy’s girls who are taken care of by others. The folks least needing the money and least deserving of it are the finalists. I think it would hilarious if everyone protested and wrote down Terry’s name instead.

And now, it’s time for Jeff to re-announce the voting rules, the voting itself, and finally the Jeff Probst impression of Indiana Jones by riding every mode of motorized transportation on the planet between Panama and the studio, where Danielle will be celebrating her win with her new double-D implants. (fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed).

And the winner is:

The person with the biggest tits.

(the actual winner is Aras. I must say that floored me, but it shouldn’t have. he did way more than she did or anyone else except Terry).

I’ll comment about the after-thingy tomorrow when I finish digesting the fact that Shane and Courtney had a bareknuckle fight…