Functionally ReTodded

Sometimes my being tired produces some decent material. We’ll see if that trend continues.

This morning however, I’d like to tell you the story of the Ungrateful Landlord.

September I will celebrate my eighth anniversary working at this company. I’m very happy about that. I love my company and (most of the time) I like my job, and those are usually two difficult things to achieve at the same time.

My company has been a tenant in this building for over ten years now as well.

Anyway, about two years ago, after being (more or less) the only tenant in our four story building for almost six years, we were informed that a new company was moving into our building. They would be taking the 3rd and 4th floors and part of the 1st, leaving us as the second floor’s only tenant.

Then, our company sold off a (rather large) division that saw us split the second floor in half. Shortly thereafter, the sold off division was approached about relocating (at the new company’s expense) and they agreed to leave, giving the new company half of our floor as well. This was all fine and good too.

Until they moved into the building and started invading our space.

By the way, this “arrival” brought to light a glaring problem. Our building had room for about 350 employees and only about 275-300 cars. Now parking was at an absolute premium for the mortal folk. I arrive between 5:45am and 6:15am, so I NEVER have a parking problem).

These people acted (and still do act) like this place is a bus station. I can’t tell you how many times I go to take a squirt and find that both urinals are unflushed and there’s piss all over the floor. The patio is now full of folks that get paid for full days but only work half days thanks to the generous placement of ashtrays outside. Oh, and don’t let me forget the drive by shittings. You know, when a person that doesn’t work on your floor comes up (or down) to use YOUR bathroom to leave their particularly offensive deposit, rendering your hallways and lobby uninhabitable for quite some time.

But even through all of that, I was fine. Through clenched teeth, I soldiered on.

Until “The Memo.”

I won’t post from the memo directly (primarily because I deleted it out of anger). But the memo more or less said this:

Landlord has decided to designate ten parking spaces in the front row of the parking lot as “RESERVED” for (insert new company’s name here). These spots will be marked “RESERVED” and shall be available for use only to employees of (insert new company’s name here). Anyone parking in these spots that is NOT an employee of (insert company name here) will be subject to having their vehicle towed at the owners expense.

Thank you for your understanding and welcome (insert new company’s name here).

Now, if you’ve known me for even five seconds, you know this memo went over like a turd in a punchbowl with me. We’ve paid our rent and been their sole tenant for over ten years, and before these new urine-impaired shit-stains are even here long enough for their first rent check to clear, they’re getting ten free “saved” parking spaces? And if there’s no other spots in the lot except one of those, I will be forced to park half a mile away and walk back instead of parking there?

Two words: Fuck no.

Two more words: Fuck you.

A friend that works for the landlord asked me how I felt about the new parking “arrangement.” I expressed to him calmly and clearly that I would park in any of those spots if I needed or wanted to do so, and if the landlord laid a finger on my car, let alone towed it, I’d be so far up their ass about it that they’d wish that they had killed me and buried me UNDER the car.

He snickered and said “well, just be careful about it. I’d hate to see your car get towed.”

Here’s me being careful about it:

And I may do this every day on purpose just because I find it irksome that a company can cash ten years of your rent checks and not throw you so much as a basket of stale muffins, but the new johnny come latelies get handed the keys to the proverbial kingdom.

More on this developing story to come…