Functionally ReTodded

Recently I have heard about a particular product and then later on I have seen commercials for said product with my own eyes. The product is:

THE PASTA EXPRESS!!

Have you heard of the miracle of THE PASTA EXPRESS? If not, let me fill you in on some of it’s amazing abilities. Here is the product description from the web page.

(BTW, I want you to know that I’m not just shouting for no reason. I want you to know about this amazing product).

“A watched pot never boils, but this is no pot - it’s an ingenious container that cooks while you watch. Just add pasta, seafood, eggs, or veggies; fill with boiling water; and cap with thermal lid that helps maintain ideal cooking temperature. When it’s ready, tip over to drain … then serve. Easy cleanup - it’s dishwasher-safe. Heavy-duty plastic with insulated thermal wrap. Includes two sizes (12″H x 4 1/2″ dia. and 8 1/2″H x 4 1/2″ dia.) and 16 pg. recipe book.”

Here’s a picture:

So, here’s the deal. You put some pasta in a plastic tube thingy (that is obviously magic). Then you fill it with boiling water and put on the lid. You then wait for six to eight minutes, then drain the water out, and you’ve got perfect pasta.

If only there was something in my home that already did this perfectly.

Oh…wait a minute. I think there is. It’s called a fucking saucepan and a collander!!

What dipshit greenlighted the mass merchandising of a product that a) doesn’t do anything different, b) doesn’t do anything better than it already gets done and c) thought to market it as though it is the cure for cancer?

In case you didn’t notice, this thing is a plastic tube. With a strainer on one end. So you have to make hot water in something else (saucepan), put the water in on top of the pasta instead of putting the pasta in the hot water (much easier to get burned moving the water to the pasta instead of the other way around). Then you have a boiling hot plastic tube to handle instead of a saucepan with a protective handle. Finally, you pour out the water (instead of pouring the pasta and water into some collander thingy). Oh, with this miracle product, in addition to having to transport boiling water and pour it into a small tube, you then have to get the boiling hot pasta out of the tube.

This sounds like some big “fat hot cup of coffee burned my groin” litigation in waiting.

On second thought, I gotta have me one of them, and quick!!

By the way, I googled the product and found this:

Now, is this the old one or a new and improved one? It’s big enough to hold more than nine pieces of pasta AND it has a handle.

Inquiring minds want to know.