Posted by FRT on Apr 19, 2006 in
Uncategorized First let me say that I enjoy Joe Rogan. That stupid NBC show where people eat bugs aside, I think he’s funnier than hell and smart as shit. Especially for a renowned pot-head.
Recently there was a little dustup at his site’s messageboard about a brewhaha between him and some moron that sent Joe and email saying how stupid Joe was. Rather than brush it off, Joe answers messages like this and it turned all mean and nasty (I laughed alot reading it).
Anyway, I saw on TV Squad that Joe and the guy had made peace. So I clicked on the link to read about it, and after I finished I clicked on “Joe’s Words” and proceeded to start reading a story that made me about choke on my kashi bar (I was eating a snack).
I won’t copy and paste the text here, but if you’ll click on the link to Joe Rogan Dot Net, you’ll go to his site and you can read the first story entitled “Porn Party.”
You will not be disappointed. Unless you’re the guy’s dad.
Posted by FRT on Apr 19, 2006 in
Uncategorized I recently installed Yahoo Instant Messenger at work (and at home) and I actually have grown to like it quite a bit. It’s easier than the phone. I can ignore it when I want to, and I can re-read things I plan to say before I “say” them, helping me avoid certain pitfalls in the marital lines of communication.
Today the wife decided that she needed a nickname in my blog. I sent her a blog yesterday and she noticed that the wife had a nickname thingy for her husband, and now she wants one. Here’s how the chat went:
wife: you there?
wife: ding
wife: ding
me: yup.
me: wassup.
wife: did you know Megan replied to your post about CEC?
wife: nice blogging today by the way
me: yep. it took me a while to figure it out too. I mean, i knew it was her, but I didn’t get cec until like yesterday.
wife: ha ha
me: is it rude to not reply to those comments? Should I reply? Ethel talks about that, and I just don’t know…
wife: I think you should – but that’s just me
wife: blog about it and see what your readers want
me: i always forget. that’s a good point. I don’t want to be rude, and I almost feel like a direct email would be easier, but maybe that’s not right.
me: I’ll do that now.
wife: glad I can be your idea man today
wife: lol
wife: And why don’t I have a cool internet name?
wife: you should be referring to me as some sort of name
BUZZ!!!
wife: I’m talking to you!
me: what?
me: i have the sound off.
wife: Puff – read above and answer
me: i call you “the wife” and “my little vaginal slit.” Isn’t that enough?
me: what would you like me to call you?
BUZZ!!!
me: hello?
wife: OMG
wife: I just got a wrong number call from….
wife: get this…..
wife: QUEEN ELIZABETH
wife: seriously
me: then I hope you were nice.
wife: the caller ID says Queen Elizabeth
me: could have been the ship.
wife: and it was some redneck dude
me: let’s call him back.
wife: ok
wife: xxx-945-xxxx
me: anyway, what would you like to be called?
wife: i dunno, that’s your job
wife: I just want a name
me: would you prefer an acronym or a pet name?
wife: dammit
me: what’s my name.
wife: backer
wife: tmlsb
wife: Ethel has Ethel
me: shut up. i gave all of those to myself. If you want one, you have to help me with one.
me: Oh, I gave her ethel by the way.
wife: that chick yesterday had one for her husband
me: I really like vaginal slit.
wife: um – NO
me: Or I could call you GBD.
wife: that’ll work
me: really? That’s awesome.
wife: ok
me: guess what? I’m going to copy and paste this entire chat into my blog.
me: minus your name of course.
me: and Ethel’s
me: right. and hers.
me: anything else you’d like to add?
wife: I am pleased
me: that’s probably the first time you’ve ever said those words to me. LOL
wife: and that should earn me some additional GBD’s so back off would ya?
me: 10-4. I’ll be back soon, GBD. xoxoxo
me: me
wife: 2.0 is pissed again. BBL xoxoxo
me: sorry about that. Can you force something into her to make that stop before I get home? Also, while at wally world, I must return a webcam for refund. Thought you should know…
(for the record, those of you that didn’t get the reference to GBD or vaginal slit should check here). It’s a long read, but well worth it.
Posted by FRT on Apr 19, 2006 in
Uncategorized I have never been sure about this or what the protocol is, but I was wondering about blog comments by readers and responding to them.
When you respond to a blog, do you expect a response from me (or any other person that writes these things?) I’m serious here. I think about it when I read them and my instinct is to reply to them, but they aren’t valid email addresses, so I can’t.
So the question is, when you leave comments on my blog, is it right for me to reply or more correctly, is it wrong for me not to reply?
I’ll be eagerly awaiting your replies.
(LOL)
Posted by FRT on Apr 19, 2006 in
Uncategorized I received this from my friend Ethel yesterday, and it made me laugh. In light of this morning’s entry about spam and (to a lesser extend) email courtesy, I give you:
Fitness For Seniors (submitted exactly as it was received)
> > Subject: fitness for seniors
> >
> > I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
> > strength
> > in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it
> > on.
> > The article suggested doing it three days a week.
> >
> > Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
> > room at
> > each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
> > straight
> > out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
> > reach a
> > full minute, then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this
> > position for just a bit longer.
> > After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb.
> > potato
> > sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb.
> > potato
> > sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
> > minute.
> > Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
> > sacks.
>
Funny huh? I thought so. Now just imagine how funny it would be if it had been sent to me like this:
Subject: fitness for seniors
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength
in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on.
The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Posted by FRT on Apr 19, 2006 in
Uncategorized Recently I have heard about a particular product and then later on I have seen commercials for said product with my own eyes. The product is:
THE PASTA EXPRESS!!
Have you heard of the miracle of THE PASTA EXPRESS? If not, let me fill you in on some of it’s amazing abilities. Here is the product description from the web page.
(BTW, I want you to know that I’m not just shouting for no reason. I want you to know about this amazing product).
“A watched pot never boils, but this is no pot – it’s an ingenious container that cooks while you watch. Just add pasta, seafood, eggs, or veggies; fill with boiling water; and cap with thermal lid that helps maintain ideal cooking temperature. When it’s ready, tip over to drain … then serve. Easy cleanup – it’s dishwasher-safe. Heavy-duty plastic with insulated thermal wrap. Includes two sizes (12″H x 4 1/2″ dia. and 8 1/2″H x 4 1/2″ dia.) and 16 pg. recipe book.”
Here’s a picture:
So, here’s the deal. You put some pasta in a plastic tube thingy (that is obviously magic). Then you fill it with boiling water and put on the lid. You then wait for six to eight minutes, then drain the water out, and you’ve got perfect pasta.
If only there was something in my home that already did this perfectly.
Oh…wait a minute. I think there is. It’s called a fucking saucepan and a collander!!
What dipshit greenlighted the mass merchandising of a product that a) doesn’t do anything different, b) doesn’t do anything better than it already gets done and c) thought to market it as though it is the cure for cancer?
In case you didn’t notice, this thing is a plastic tube. With a strainer on one end. So you have to make hot water in something else (saucepan), put the water in on top of the pasta instead of putting the pasta in the hot water (much easier to get burned moving the water to the pasta instead of the other way around). Then you have a boiling hot plastic tube to handle instead of a saucepan with a protective handle. Finally, you pour out the water (instead of pouring the pasta and water into some collander thingy). Oh, with this miracle product, in addition to having to transport boiling water and pour it into a small tube, you then have to get the boiling hot pasta out of the tube.
This sounds like some big “fat hot cup of coffee burned my groin” litigation in waiting.
On second thought, I gotta have me one of them, and quick!!
By the way, I googled the product and found this:
Now, is this the old one or a new and improved one? It’s big enough to hold more than nine pieces of pasta AND it has a handle.
Inquiring minds want to know.
Posted by FRT on Apr 19, 2006 in
Uncategorized As I mentioned, there is a wave of Chuck Norris is so tough…. jokes going around now. I don’t know why, but I had no idea that doing a cheesy home gym infomercial with Christy Brinkley would bring a fellow this kind of adulation.
Anyway, here’s the list of the “Top 100 Chuck Norris is so tough” isms. Enjoy.
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’till.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
- The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
- A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
- Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
- Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
- The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
- Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
- Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
- If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
- The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
- Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
- Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
- When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
- Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
- There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
- Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
- A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
- When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’s urine was the main ingredient for balco’s designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
- Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
- When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
- In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be “Norrisized”.
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
- If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
- Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
- Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
- Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
- When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
- Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”
- Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
- When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score a 1600.
- Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
- Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
- On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
- Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
- In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
- Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
- Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
- Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
- Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
- If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
- The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
- Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
- You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them
- James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
See? this shit is funny. At least it is to me. I’m loopy today for some reason. Could be the back to back 1am 2.0 feeding following at 1:30am by 2.0 ninja-ing into my room.
I wonder how Chuck Norris would handle this?
Posted by FRT on Apr 19, 2006 in
Uncategorized I was reading an entertaining blog this morning and the author mentioned a list of things about the show “24.” I went and found the list and, although it reminds me of the Chuck Norris line of jokes, some of them made me laugh, so I wanted to post them for you here. (Also, thanks to buddytv for these):
Top One Hundred Facts
- The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
- Jack Bauer wasn’t born, he was unleashed.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
- RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it’s what Edgar would have wanted. :(
- Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
- If everyone on “24″ followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12″.
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s ****ing beef.
- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.
- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
- Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a ‘Jack Bauer’. He received three shots of Jack Daniel’s, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
- Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don’t ask how he did it, he’s ****ing Jack Bauer.
- When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
- There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
- Jack doesn’t believe in Murphy’s Law, only Bauer’s Law: “Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours.”
- In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
- Don’t beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
- It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.
- Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can’t believe that ***** went to the hospital first.
- When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, “Previously, on 24…”
- Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
- Jack would never have given up the wet list… no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
- Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
- Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
- On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
- Jack Bauer’s influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
- Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
- When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
- Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
- Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “<>
- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?
- Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
- Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
- In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn’t around?
- Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: “Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day.”
- Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
- Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
- One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven’t been robbed since.
- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn’t have to bear witness to what he’d do to Nina.
- In high school Jack Bauer was voted “Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid”… and “Best Eyes.”
- Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re ****ing dead.”
- There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
- If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn’t be an accident.
- When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.
- Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
- There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
- When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.
- Jack Bauer shops at Costco… without membership.
- My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was “just a television character”. We are now orphans.
- When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
- Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
- Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
- During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
- If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
- “Jack Bauer” is Arabic for “I’m ****ed”.
- Jack Bauer is the ‘i’ in team.
- Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
- Jack Bauer once called the Vice President “Mr. President”, but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
- Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
- If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
- If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
- Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
- Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a *****.
- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
- Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
- All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
- After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
- Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
- Jehovah’s Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
- Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
- The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
- Jack Bauer knows Victoria’s secret.
- Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
- Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
- You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer’s your wingman, you’re probably gonna get laid.
- One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
These are similar to me to the “yo mama so fat” jokes kind of, and they almost always make me chuckle. Look for more of this kind of crap today. I’m looking for quantity not quality, so this is what you get from me. A lot of Ctrl-A, Ctrl-C and Ctrl-Ving.
Posted by FRT on Apr 19, 2006 in
Uncategorized You know, I’ve found recently that “SPAM” is now one of those words that gets bandied about so much that you forget what it means. For the sake of this discussion, here are a couple of definitions:
- To send unsolicited e-mail to.
- To send (a message) indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups.
- To post irrelevant or inappropriate messages to one or more Usenet Newgroups, mailing lists, or other messaging system in deliberate or accidental violation of netigquette.
- To indiscriminately send large amounts of unsolicitede-mail meant to promote a
product or service. Spam in this sense is sort of like the electronic equivalent of junk mail sent to “Occupant”.
Of all of these, I like number three the best.
Why do I mention this? Because, for the fifth time this week and the 50th time this year it seems, I received the following email:
Just give it some thought
This was originally sent by a retired Coca Cola executive It came
from one of his engineer buddies
who retired from Halliburton. It’s worth your consideration.
Join the resistance!!!! I hear we are going to hit close to $ 4.00 a
gallon by next summer and it might
go higher!! Want gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some
intelligent, united action.
Phillip Hollsworth offered this good idea. This makes MUCH MORE SENSE
than the “don’t buy gas on a
certain day” campaign that was going around last April or May! The
oil companies just laughed at that.
BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can
really work. Please read on and join with us!
By now you’re probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is
super cheap. Me too! It is currently
$2.79 for regular unleaded in my town. Now that the oil companies
and the OPEC nations have
conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at
$1.50 – $1.75, we need to take
aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the
marketplace..not sellers. With the price of
gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action.
The only way we’re going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook
by not purchasing their gas! And, we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? We CAN have
an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.
Here’s the idea: For the rest of this year, DON’T purchase ANY
gasoline from the two biggest companies
(which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not selling any
gas, they will be inclined to reduce
their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will
have to follow suit. But to have an
impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas
buyers. It’s really simple to do! Now, don’t wimp out on me at this point…keep reading and I’ll explain
how simple it is to reach millions of people!!
I am sending this note to 30 people. If each of us send it to at
least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) .. and
those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)…and so
on, by the time the message reaches
the sixth group of people, we will have reached overTHREE MILLION
consumers.
If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends
each, then 30 million people will have
been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it…..
THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That’s all! (If
you don’t understand how we can reach
300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people….
Well, let’s face it, you just aren’t a
mathematician. But I am . so trust me on this one.) How long would
all that take? If each of us sends
this e-mail out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300
MILLION people could conceivably be
contacted within the next 8 days!!! I’ll bet you didn’t think you and
I had that much potential, did you!
Acting together we can make a difference.
If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. I suggest
that we not buy from EXXON/MOBIL UNTIL
THEY LOWER THEIR PRICE TOTHE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN
REALLY WORK.
First of all, what are this idiot’s credentials? I can spout all kinds of nonsense about simple math and multi-level marketing, but this is about global economics and the geo-political state of things in the middle east. But somehow an email from someone I used to work with is going to force me and 299,999,999 folks into action?
Please.
Secondly, I am in IT. The simple fact is that this type of message wastes the time of nearly every employee every day and thus, is effectively stealing money from the company. The folks in my office (and every other office in the world) don’t need to waste time filtering thru this electronic refuse, just like they don’t need prayer chains for kids no one knows that are collecting post cards. They also don’t need to waste time wondering if Bill Gates is going to give them a pc. He’s not. I could go on and on with examples, but I shall not.
The other thing these messages do is waste bandwidth on the internet and in offices around the world. Further, they waste server space and server efficiency. How? Because those things are dealing with this garbage instead of putting work-related stuff first.
And lastly, the part that is far more personal. I can’t stand these because 99.9999% of the time that I get them, they come from folks that employ no forwarding etiquette whatsoever. If you are forwarding me spam (or even a joke that I would like), please do five things:
1) Tidy up the “Subject” line. There’s no way I’m reading one that comes to me like this; “FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: re: GAS.” If you clean that up, I may, MAY read the message.
2) Delete all the rows of >>>>>>>>>>>> that are in the message.
3) Copy the text of the forwarded message into your forward. Don’t make me open 14 attachments to see the message just because the 13 AOL idiots before you didn’t do it right. Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.
4) Consider your audience. As I said, I’m in IT and have been for over 13 years. If it’s new to you and you don’t work in IT, chances are I saw it about 12-18 months ago.
5) This relates more to jokes than spam, but I have to throw this in here. Do not, under any circumstances, send something back to me that I sent to you. See, I send funny things out occasionally, only to have them returned to me because my name is in someone’s “HUMOR” distribution list. Really, I know it was funny. I sent it. Care enough to see who sent it to you and delete their name from the outgoing e-mail.
Sorry. I got distracted there.
Since someone said this better than I did, I will close with an informational e-mail that, while it may technically be referred to as SPAM, I consider it a public service announcement. This is exactly how I got it and I saved it to forward to folks that send me SPAM (Thanks Cathy):
Email Facts Of Life
1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not
giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There
is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax;
there is no need to pass it on “just in case it’s true”. Furthermore,
just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that
“we checked it out and it’s legit”, does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in
a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened
to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft
ring stories, please see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/week…
And I quote: “The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued
requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell
their stories. None have.” That’s “none” as in “zero”. Not even your
friend’s cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn’t really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if
they do, we all have it. And even if you don’t, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel
free to pass the recipe on.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate
co-workers gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on
an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students,
Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes
to change a lightbulb
5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that
went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this
information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
6. There is no “Good Times” virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever
forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm
it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with
virii. Try:
http://www.norton.com
And even then, don’t forward it. We don’t care.
7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your
message, you’re probably going to Hell.
8. If you’re using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the
“HTML encoding.” Those of us on Unix shells can’t read it, and don’t
care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser,
since you’re probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie
Recipe anyway.
9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message
from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of
headers showing everyone else who’s received it over the last 6 months.
It sure wouldn’t hurt to get rid of all the “>” that begin each line.
Besides, if it has gone around that many times – we’ve probably
already seen it.
OR BETTER YET, BLIND CC (bcc) everyone!
10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at
this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business
cards. He apparently is also no longer a “little boy” either.
Have a good day everybody.
and finally, a P.S. Don’t type in CAPS. Remember, that’s like yelling at someone. It’s annoying and it’s rude.
Have a great humpday everyone!!
