Functionally ReTodded

I’ve already decided to do these on whatever day I choose. So today I choose this.

I have many of these. Why? I have no idea. But I’ve had them as long as I can remember, although living in a dorm with no doors on the shitters for a year certainly didn’t help matters. Anyway, here they are:

1) I cannot STAND pee on the floor in front of and around the urinal. A drop or two maybe, but who in a real office environment misses that much?

2) I will not poop in a restaurant. Ever.

3) I can only poop at my office if it’s a dire emergency. (There’ve only been about 10 emergencies in eight years).

4) I cannot stand seeing watchsprings all over the urinal, nevermind on or around the toilet seat.

5) I can not stand to see any feminine hygeine products in the bathroom. I mean the un-used ones. Under the sink is fine. But when folks leave “those things” on the floor or the back of the toilet or in the drawer of the little table thingy in the can, that just freaks me out.

6) I probably flush 27 times if i have to poop at the office. I don’t want anyone attributing that stink to me.

7) A drop of any liquid on a toilet seat renders the entire mission useless.

I can only poop at home if the doors are locked. All of them. Even if I am home alone.

9) If someone walks into the bathroom while I am on the can, I start coughing to announce my presence I guess, like they aren’t going to figure out that I’m in there already.

10) If someone talks to me from anywhere, home or at work, while I’m on the can, you can forget it.

11) A guy that sat next to me at work used to borrow my magazines and books to read while he took a shit. Dude, I really don’t want it back now that you’ve touched it AND your ass in the same sitting.

12) Wondering why people at work can’t courtesy flush. There’s no reason to sit there amidst the horrific stink. Just flush the toilet a few times. It’s not like the water’s on YOUR bill.

13) Drive-by shitters at work. We occupy an entire floor in a four story building while another company has the other three floors. People from above and below us that we don’t know frequently come to our floor, drop the MOAS (Mother Of All Shits) and then just walk out smiling, knowing they’ve polluted the entire lobby and headed back to their own floor.

14) People that aren’t ashamed to let you know verbally or visually that they’re off to take a dump. Why make a production of throwing the folded sports page under your arm Al Bundy style?

15) I am paranoid that I will accidentally slide the open fronted toilet seat one way or another and, in doing so, completely sever my penis. This may be the worst one, especially if the seat is one of those really wobbly ones. This applies at relatives’ houses too.