I found this one at http://corporatebitchworkingfortheman.blogspot.com/. I don’t know who this is, but I like her a lot. Here’s a hilarious entry of hers that I think we can all relate to on some level.
ahhhh, the ‘resignation’ email
Yet another advisor bit the dust yesterday. We’ve lost 4 in the past few months, kids really, who had worked here for close to a year. It’s the natural progression in this industry, but it sucks to see a kid waste a year of his life doing something he just wasn’t cut out to do. This particular kid was kind of a doofy frankenstein looking dude, and I don’t believe I ever heard him say more than one word, so it’s not really a devastating loss.
My favorite part of a person getting fired is the announcement email. You know - ‘Poor unfortunate bastard has resigned from the firm as of today. We wish him the best…’ blah, blah blah. First of all, who are they kidding? They make it sound as if he just plain decided to move on, when that’s so not the case. Yes, he probably resigned, but only because that was a better option than being fired. They can pretty up the email as much as they want, but every dumb fuck here knows what happened. He didn’t make the cut. He wasn’t a good earner. He didn’t get enough face time with clients. He pissed off the president.
I’m just obsessed with the email. It’s the best. They even try to change it up every so often. ‘We wish her the best in her future endeavors’, ‘We hope he finds a career that is a perfect fit’ - it’s just hilarious. I don’t think there’s anything more fake than the ‘well wishes’ email. You know the person typing it doesn’t give a shit if that particular person finds a new job, or gives a single crap about their future endeavors.
Is it too much to ask that once, just once, I get an email that says, ‘Bob Dumbass was fired last night. He was a moron, and couldn’t figure out the database, and also couldn’t bring in any assets. The clients just didn’t like him. We don’t really care what happens to him after this, we’re just glad we don’t have to deal with his dumb ass anymore. Adios, fucker!’ That would so make my day. And really, if I get fired (fingers crossed!), I’d want that email. I wouldn’t want some stupid, fake email circulating around. I’d want everyone to know what happened. Why not? Chances are they’d know anyway.
It’s like I could have written this myself, since I’ve said this everytime someone at our office “leaves to pursue other opportunities.” Awesome. Thanks corporate bitch!
What say you?